The Unpublishable
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- Stahlseele
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And the premise of the story was . . interesting i'll say . . not my cup of coffee, but well written anyway.
Welcome, to IronHell.
Shrapnel wrote:TFwiki wrote:Soon is the name of the region in the time-domain (familiar to all marketing departments, and to the moderators and staff of Fun Publications) which sees release of all BotCon news, club exclusives, and other fan desirables. Soon is when then will become now.
Peculiar properties of spacetime ensure that the perception of the magnitude of Soon is fluid and dependent, not on an individual's time-reference, but on spatial and cultural location. A marketer generally perceives Soon as a finite, known, yet unspeakable time-interval; to a fan, the interval appears greater, and may in fact approach the infinite, becoming Never. Once the interval has passed, however, a certain time-lensing effect seems to occur, and the time-interval becomes vanishingly small. We therefore see the strange result that the same fragment of spacetime may be observed, in quick succession, as Soon, Never, and All Too Quickly.
- Ancient History
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The Unpublishable. Yet More Star Wars Fanfic. I can't help myself. Anyway: "Form Zero." http://www.the-unpublishable.com/2013/09/form-zero.html
Because I saw others do it, hopefully you're okay with a little proofing:Ancient History wrote:The Unpublishable. Yet More Star Wars Fanfic. I can't help myself. Anyway: "Form Zero." http://www.the-unpublishable.com/2013/09/form-zero.html
Should be "a testament".the Valley of the Dark Lords, the toppled and broken statues that were testament to generations of
If it were changed to "while the muun's dismembered corpse..." it would tie that event to the last time he saw Milos, rather than it sounding like a non-sequitur.The last time Eiven had seen Milos Sothas was in the arena on Tatooine, and the muun’s dismembered corpse was being carried away in a gravcart.
Seems like it's missing a word around the region of "Task".“Not yet,” Task. “So why now?”
When I read this, "At the academy" seemed out of place and stunted, like it didn't fit anything. I had to go back to read that it was a response. If the shade stepped out of the shadows then asked his question I'd have no confusion and it might flow better.“Something near and dear to both of us. Lightsaber combat. Ever heard of Form Zero?”
The shade of Milos Sothas walked a couple steps closer, and the shadows seemed to stretch and cling to him—or maybe it was just the lengthening shadow as the sun continued to set. He didn’t quite look real to Eiven’s eyes, but there was a certain solidness to the darkness, and there was something at that spot that drew his higher senses, like an eddy in the Force.
“At the academy,” Task said, unconsciously clenching his prosthetic left hand. He had lost the arm and a good part of his torso in an arrogant and, in hindsight, idiotic training accident. Prosthetics had saved his life and diminished his ability, and that had marked the end of his formal instruction.
That first comma isn't necessary. And instead of one blank line following this, as is the case in the rest of the story, here you have two.In the dark, it was almost formless, simply an outline against the deeper shadows as Korriban's moons began to rise.
See those two spaces after "century"? Extra spaces are truncated here, but on your site and in raw text it shows up.when I was a century younger.
After "chosen one" is a great place for a semicolon.You're not a chosen one, there is no grand galactic destiny for you, but you work hard.
This reads as awkward to me, in part because "still holding his prize gently" was only a couple lines above, and it's very unclear as to why a bug would be considered a prize of any kind. Also, are we to assume the valley is full of dark lords... plus one other thing that is not a dark lord? Or plus one other dark lord that is more newly-dead? Good stories deserve a killer, almost poetic final line or the whole thing seems rough.Then Task turned and walked away from the quarry, carrying his prize, and leaving behind him a valley of broken monuments and the angry echoes of dark lords...plus one other.
Anyway, I enjoyed the story, mostly because of its tone. Unless I'm mistaken it's the first of the Task stories that did not feature any combat, and that makes it precisely was I was hoping to see. However, this did nothing to help us understand who Task is. The only character development was for a dead guy, which of course has a high potential to be a fruitless effort. Now I know that Task has been to Korriban, and that if he does not draw his lightsaber it's because he learned Form Zero. But both of those things could have been a single paragraph, so I'm not sure what this story achieves. If Milos is going to be a character in future stories, or if we are to glean from this that Task likes bugs and he's adopted a familiar-like pet, then I will eventually understand the purpose of this story. As I said, I'm not sure what purpose this story serves, but that doesn't mean I assume it has none.
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- Ancient History
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I think it's been proven I need all the help I can get, so thanks.
Re: Purpose of the story. I got a request to have more interact between Milos and Eiven, but I didn't want to do a flashback scene on the trip to Tatooine. So instead you get something that is a bit of an epilogue and a bit of a prologue. (I figure if I keep going at this rate, I'll have enough material for a stitch-up sometime next year. Gah, what a depressing fucking thought.)
Re: Purpose of the story. I got a request to have more interact between Milos and Eiven, but I didn't want to do a flashback scene on the trip to Tatooine. So instead you get something that is a bit of an epilogue and a bit of a prologue. (I figure if I keep going at this rate, I'll have enough material for a stitch-up sometime next year. Gah, what a depressing fucking thought.)
- Stahlseele
- King
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Why?
It's a good character.
I'll read this one later on today, when i am bored at work.
It's a good character.
I'll read this one later on today, when i am bored at work.
Welcome, to IronHell.
Shrapnel wrote:TFwiki wrote:Soon is the name of the region in the time-domain (familiar to all marketing departments, and to the moderators and staff of Fun Publications) which sees release of all BotCon news, club exclusives, and other fan desirables. Soon is when then will become now.
Peculiar properties of spacetime ensure that the perception of the magnitude of Soon is fluid and dependent, not on an individual's time-reference, but on spatial and cultural location. A marketer generally perceives Soon as a finite, known, yet unspeakable time-interval; to a fan, the interval appears greater, and may in fact approach the infinite, becoming Never. Once the interval has passed, however, a certain time-lensing effect seems to occur, and the time-interval becomes vanishingly small. We therefore see the strange result that the same fragment of spacetime may be observed, in quick succession, as Soon, Never, and All Too Quickly.
- Stahlseele
- King
- Posts: 5977
- Joined: Wed Apr 14, 2010 4:51 pm
- Location: Hamburg, Germany
meat surely?forcing morsels of meet into its tiny jaws.
Nothing else looks wrong to me.
Otherwise a nice and quiet piece for that particular character.
Welcome, to IronHell.
Shrapnel wrote:TFwiki wrote:Soon is the name of the region in the time-domain (familiar to all marketing departments, and to the moderators and staff of Fun Publications) which sees release of all BotCon news, club exclusives, and other fan desirables. Soon is when then will become now.
Peculiar properties of spacetime ensure that the perception of the magnitude of Soon is fluid and dependent, not on an individual's time-reference, but on spatial and cultural location. A marketer generally perceives Soon as a finite, known, yet unspeakable time-interval; to a fan, the interval appears greater, and may in fact approach the infinite, becoming Never. Once the interval has passed, however, a certain time-lensing effect seems to occur, and the time-interval becomes vanishingly small. We therefore see the strange result that the same fragment of spacetime may be observed, in quick succession, as Soon, Never, and All Too Quickly.
- Ancient History
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Just read Form Zero. I enjoyed it. Reckon I need to read more of your Star Wars stuff.
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- Stahlseele
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you do. that shit is good.
If Star Wars was more like what he writes, i'd like it better.
If Star Wars was more like what he writes, i'd like it better.
Last edited by Stahlseele on Thu Sep 12, 2013 7:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Welcome, to IronHell.
Shrapnel wrote:TFwiki wrote:Soon is the name of the region in the time-domain (familiar to all marketing departments, and to the moderators and staff of Fun Publications) which sees release of all BotCon news, club exclusives, and other fan desirables. Soon is when then will become now.
Peculiar properties of spacetime ensure that the perception of the magnitude of Soon is fluid and dependent, not on an individual's time-reference, but on spatial and cultural location. A marketer generally perceives Soon as a finite, known, yet unspeakable time-interval; to a fan, the interval appears greater, and may in fact approach the infinite, becoming Never. Once the interval has passed, however, a certain time-lensing effect seems to occur, and the time-interval becomes vanishingly small. We therefore see the strange result that the same fragment of spacetime may be observed, in quick succession, as Soon, Never, and All Too Quickly.
- Ancient History
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Today on the Unpublishable is every young dwarf's dream: "A Hold of HIs Own." http://www.the-unpublishable.com/2013/0 ... s-own.html
- Stahlseele
- King
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not unkindly, can't find any errors otherwise.Not unkindle
also, mothers are the same species be damned it seems ^^
Welcome, to IronHell.
Shrapnel wrote:TFwiki wrote:Soon is the name of the region in the time-domain (familiar to all marketing departments, and to the moderators and staff of Fun Publications) which sees release of all BotCon news, club exclusives, and other fan desirables. Soon is when then will become now.
Peculiar properties of spacetime ensure that the perception of the magnitude of Soon is fluid and dependent, not on an individual's time-reference, but on spatial and cultural location. A marketer generally perceives Soon as a finite, known, yet unspeakable time-interval; to a fan, the interval appears greater, and may in fact approach the infinite, becoming Never. Once the interval has passed, however, a certain time-lensing effect seems to occur, and the time-interval becomes vanishingly small. We therefore see the strange result that the same fragment of spacetime may be observed, in quick succession, as Soon, Never, and All Too Quickly.
- Ancient History
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- Joined: Wed Aug 18, 2010 12:57 pm
- Ancient History
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- Joined: Wed Aug 18, 2010 12:57 pm
Yes, yet more Star Wars fanfic on the Unpublishable. One of these days, there may even be a plot, but right there's just "Playing with Lightsabers." http://www.the-unpublishable.com/2013/0 ... abers.html
- Stahlseele
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alloy, not allowand beyond that a tangle of plastics and allow prostheses
started pouringand the old Sith pureblood behind the counter started poured two small glasses of something clear from a bottle with a writhing worm in the bottom of it
dun hood?A figure in a dun hood and cloak came in as he finished his shot
easy for him to say!Eiven would rather try to catch a lightsaber with his bare hand than be in the same system with them
tubers?threaded through with lighter tendrils from which crystals grew like fruit or tubers
for and wookie without 2 eThe fight didn’t end well with the wookiee
doesn't read right somehow . . as if a word were missing somewhere, i can't really put my finger on it though . .apparently it was controlled by some telepathic Baforr crystal-ferns or some such crap she’d picked up Ithor or some crap like that
wompa? not wampa? o.OTypical teenage Jedi angsty wompashit
and i don't know what you are talking about, there is plot.
and it's even continuus.(sp?) and a good read to boot.
and he reminds me of someone:
Last edited by Stahlseele on Fri Sep 20, 2013 6:30 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Welcome, to IronHell.
Shrapnel wrote:TFwiki wrote:Soon is the name of the region in the time-domain (familiar to all marketing departments, and to the moderators and staff of Fun Publications) which sees release of all BotCon news, club exclusives, and other fan desirables. Soon is when then will become now.
Peculiar properties of spacetime ensure that the perception of the magnitude of Soon is fluid and dependent, not on an individual's time-reference, but on spatial and cultural location. A marketer generally perceives Soon as a finite, known, yet unspeakable time-interval; to a fan, the interval appears greater, and may in fact approach the infinite, becoming Never. Once the interval has passed, however, a certain time-lensing effect seems to occur, and the time-interval becomes vanishingly small. We therefore see the strange result that the same fragment of spacetime may be observed, in quick succession, as Soon, Never, and All Too Quickly.
- Ancient History
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Dun is an earthy color.dun hood?
Like potatoes.tubers?
Nope, two e's.wookie without 2 e
Everything else, fixed. Thanks Stahl!
- Stahlseele
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no sweat, i like reading it after all ^^
Welcome, to IronHell.
Shrapnel wrote:TFwiki wrote:Soon is the name of the region in the time-domain (familiar to all marketing departments, and to the moderators and staff of Fun Publications) which sees release of all BotCon news, club exclusives, and other fan desirables. Soon is when then will become now.
Peculiar properties of spacetime ensure that the perception of the magnitude of Soon is fluid and dependent, not on an individual's time-reference, but on spatial and cultural location. A marketer generally perceives Soon as a finite, known, yet unspeakable time-interval; to a fan, the interval appears greater, and may in fact approach the infinite, becoming Never. Once the interval has passed, however, a certain time-lensing effect seems to occur, and the time-interval becomes vanishingly small. We therefore see the strange result that the same fragment of spacetime may be observed, in quick succession, as Soon, Never, and All Too Quickly.
- Ancient History
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Terrible, NSFW things on the Unpublishable today: Sextping. http://www.the-unpublishable.com/2013/09/sextping.html
- Stahlseele
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i don't see anything terribly nsfw in there O.o
also, i didn't find any errors in this one either ^^
also, i didn't find any errors in this one either ^^
Welcome, to IronHell.
Shrapnel wrote:TFwiki wrote:Soon is the name of the region in the time-domain (familiar to all marketing departments, and to the moderators and staff of Fun Publications) which sees release of all BotCon news, club exclusives, and other fan desirables. Soon is when then will become now.
Peculiar properties of spacetime ensure that the perception of the magnitude of Soon is fluid and dependent, not on an individual's time-reference, but on spatial and cultural location. A marketer generally perceives Soon as a finite, known, yet unspeakable time-interval; to a fan, the interval appears greater, and may in fact approach the infinite, becoming Never. Once the interval has passed, however, a certain time-lensing effect seems to occur, and the time-interval becomes vanishingly small. We therefore see the strange result that the same fragment of spacetime may be observed, in quick succession, as Soon, Never, and All Too Quickly.
- Ancient History
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Eiven Task has faced minor Sith and rogue Jedi - but now he is being asked to risk his life again, with nothing to rely on but promises and lightsabers. http://www.the-unpublishable.com/2013/1 ... abers.html
- Stahlseele
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yay for more Task!
still without edstilled tied to their bones
did he drop it? O.oI picked up my left foot and brought the heavy heel of my boot down on his throat.
what? O.o i think the first dropped was one too much right?and was surprised when I grabbed dropped my staff and grabbed his burning blade with my right hand
Welcome, to IronHell.
Shrapnel wrote:TFwiki wrote:Soon is the name of the region in the time-domain (familiar to all marketing departments, and to the moderators and staff of Fun Publications) which sees release of all BotCon news, club exclusives, and other fan desirables. Soon is when then will become now.
Peculiar properties of spacetime ensure that the perception of the magnitude of Soon is fluid and dependent, not on an individual's time-reference, but on spatial and cultural location. A marketer generally perceives Soon as a finite, known, yet unspeakable time-interval; to a fan, the interval appears greater, and may in fact approach the infinite, becoming Never. Once the interval has passed, however, a certain time-lensing effect seems to occur, and the time-interval becomes vanishingly small. We therefore see the strange result that the same fragment of spacetime may be observed, in quick succession, as Soon, Never, and All Too Quickly.
- Ancient History
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- Stahlseele
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hmm, i guess it would be complaining on a high level but i just noticed you switchting from 1st to 3rd person and back sometimes . . is that intentional?
Welcome, to IronHell.
Shrapnel wrote:TFwiki wrote:Soon is the name of the region in the time-domain (familiar to all marketing departments, and to the moderators and staff of Fun Publications) which sees release of all BotCon news, club exclusives, and other fan desirables. Soon is when then will become now.
Peculiar properties of spacetime ensure that the perception of the magnitude of Soon is fluid and dependent, not on an individual's time-reference, but on spatial and cultural location. A marketer generally perceives Soon as a finite, known, yet unspeakable time-interval; to a fan, the interval appears greater, and may in fact approach the infinite, becoming Never. Once the interval has passed, however, a certain time-lensing effect seems to occur, and the time-interval becomes vanishingly small. We therefore see the strange result that the same fragment of spacetime may be observed, in quick succession, as Soon, Never, and All Too Quickly.
- Ancient History
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- Stahlseele
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ah, i see. carry on then.
Welcome, to IronHell.
Shrapnel wrote:TFwiki wrote:Soon is the name of the region in the time-domain (familiar to all marketing departments, and to the moderators and staff of Fun Publications) which sees release of all BotCon news, club exclusives, and other fan desirables. Soon is when then will become now.
Peculiar properties of spacetime ensure that the perception of the magnitude of Soon is fluid and dependent, not on an individual's time-reference, but on spatial and cultural location. A marketer generally perceives Soon as a finite, known, yet unspeakable time-interval; to a fan, the interval appears greater, and may in fact approach the infinite, becoming Never. Once the interval has passed, however, a certain time-lensing effect seems to occur, and the time-interval becomes vanishingly small. We therefore see the strange result that the same fragment of spacetime may be observed, in quick succession, as Soon, Never, and All Too Quickly.
- Ancient History
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Today on the Unpublishable, "Cat's Kisses." NSFW not because of any particular language, but because it features two highly affectionate lesbians. And very little else.
http://www.the-unpublishable.com/2013/1 ... isses.html
http://www.the-unpublishable.com/2013/1 ... isses.html