Tonight's tale is one of humble beginnings. And of frustration. A small, five hobo squad goes off into the wilds to try and rediscover lost treasure.
- Mord Deathsfriend - Cleric of Death, with a gentle Germanic voice.
- Emila Weinerhoff - Wizard, with a questioning and particular voice.
- Guy Lang - Fighter, with a crazed, near-murderous voice.
- Uncle Chan - Monk of the Iron Fist, who speaks in a strong Russian accent.
- Oliver Brimble - Thief, who honestly sounds like a griefer.
Speaking of which, we're starting off with "B1 - In Search Of The Unknown".
This adventure is actually kinda horrible when played by an impatient, modern group. I think it's probably kinda horrible no matter what. By the end of the night I was very aware of why people think fondly of B2 but never much mention B1. Even if you like slow exploring, there's just not enough going on in this module. There's 56 numbered locations, and the suggested adventure has you adding a monster encounter to 16-20 of them, and a treasure to 15-25 of them (though monsters and treasure don't need to line up). So, a huge portion of the time you'll end up exploring this sprawling place, but finding not much at all.
As a kid, I went through dungeons like this. They can be fun if you're a little cagey about things and you keep second guessing yourself. I think it's interesting to ask lots of questions about the environment, and wonder about why things were built they way they are, and then wonder how they're being used now, and so on. However, that all is based on the idea that the dungeon is at least mostly populated most of the time, and maybe the locals are out when you happen to arrive in a particular location, but there's at least signs of activity.
This dungeon is not that sort of thing. Most of it has been abandoned for ages and ages, and not many have moved in since then. On top of that, this group isn't even the kind of group that has as much exploration interest, I'd say. They're more after the treasures than about the exploration, so this dungeon wasn't particularly well suited to them. Towards the end they got kinda fed up with it and so I just revealed big chunks of the map that weren't inhabited and basically said "here you go, we'll skip past describing these areas since there's no one to find there". I could have embellished more to make the empty sections more detailed, but I don't think it would have helped.
Also, and I really can't stress this enough: The dungeon layout is total bullshit. No, really. There's long passages that do nothing, places that loop around, lots and lots of doors for no reason. The layout is just never something that anyone would have ever arranged as a fort, which really undoes a lot of the story that this is an abandoned fort. Actually, if you google image search this module, there's an entire other layout that some folks on a forum made, because the original map is that much bullshit.
I guess that's it for my "review" of the module, so let's get on with the adventuring.
Episode 01: The Shooting Star They Saw
We join the party after they've already arrived on site at the entrance to the abandoned complex marked out by a shooting star that they saw as they met at a crossroads (which is the backstory of how they met, and why they came here). It's a rocky outcropping on top of a forest covered hill. Piles of boulders litter the bottom of the hill from the excavation long ago, all covered over now with grass and moss. A ten foot wide corridor leads slightly into the shadow and then is blocked by large wooden doors. Local legend has it that within these tunnels is a large cache of goods and treasures, lost to the ages. Roghan (a fighter) and Zelligar (a wizard) once made their home here.
Fair warning, it's really long.
Guy Lang: Is it like, dark in here?
GM: Uh, yeah? There's a little sunlight at the edge of the the tunnel, but you'll need torches or something if you wanna see inside.
Uncle Chan: I didn't think I had to bring a torch.
Emila: I didn't bring torches.
Oliver: I have candles.
GM: Well... just spend some of your money and just say that you had them the whole time.
Oliver: I have like 100 candles.
GM: You probably don't want to use a candle. It would go out really easily.
Guy Lang: I will attach a torch to my shield, it's badass that way.
Uncle Chan: I carry no torch, I must keep hands free for punching.
GM: you could hold a torch in your hands, and then kick people in the face.
Uncle Chan: For PUNCHING!
GM: Okay. Make the wizard hold the torch then.
So they move forward, and make the thief check for traps and all that. However, at first level the thief has like a 10% chance to notice traps so it's kinda useless. It's finally decided that the wizard and cleric will hold the torches. They open the door, and there is a long hallway with some alcoves. Three sets. The third set of alcoves has a Magic Mouth spell that shouts about intruders. Also, at the intersection, there's five dead bodies.
For a moment they consider stealing the Magic Mouths, but I explain that it's impossible to steal a permanent effect like that, it'd just float in place if you took away the bricks.
Then they examine the bodies. There's a grey pointed wizard hat that they take, and it has garlic inside. There's a sword with a bad handle that's rusted beyond repair. The bodies are examined with First Aid and they are determined to be 15 days old, exactly, to the minute. Most were slashed to death, but one had his skull bashed in instead.
Emila: You know, I just wanna point to some parallels here. There are five of them, and there are five of us. And they do make up kind of a motley crew, like we do.
Oliver: Yeah, but we're a better motley crew.
Guy Lang: Yeah.
Emila: Well, I hope so.
They examine an abandoned kitchen. Old cooking chimney, tables, but no active food.
They wander around through some empty passages. Tons and tons of passages. There's some mazey sections, and some long straight sections, but like I said the layout for this dungeon is bullshit. They eventually come upon a room with a stage and some pews.
Guy Lang: I check all the pews.
GM: The pews are all kinda average, all very old.
Guy Lang: Well, you know, they might have dropped a coin or something.
Mord: Rifling through ze pews, like, "did anyvne drop a coppa!?"
GM: Nope, not even a penny.
Mord: Vell damn it!
They go over to a garden area. There's some stone half-circle benches with little garden patches inside of them where there used to be well kept mushrooms. Now there's mushrooms spreading out everywhere. Also, two rats. Giant rats! Well, the size of a dog.
They square off with the two rats.
~Round 1~
Rat runs over and bites Oliver in the face. 2 damage, but Oliver makes his save vs Poison.
Uncle Chan punches a rat, killing it.
Oliver runs to the back.
Emila gets closer to throw a knife, but it's too far off so she readies an action to attack it when possible.
The 2nd rat can't quite get up to anyone, so it gets as close as it can and hisses.
Mord moves closer, but also can't close and attack (I decided that there's no charge action in this game, for now). Instead, he moves into the space between the rat and the wizard.
Guy Lang also moves without attacking.
~Round 2~
Uncle Chan moves and punches, but misses.
Oliver lets them handle it.
Emila 5ft steps into melee, and tries to stab the rat, missing.
The rat bites Emila, for 2 damage and an infection.
Mord misses.
Guy Lang hits the rat and it dies.
So I look it up, and the rat's disease effect is -2 to Attacks, prevents magic healing, and makes non-magic healing only half as much. Sounds alright, so we go with that. It's unclear how this disease will go away, probably with more saves later on. Actually we forget about it later on, but whatever.
Mord uses First Aid to heal 1d3 points of damage on the injured. Which is a thing that you can do after each "set" of having taken damage (eg: all of 1 battle's damage is one set, and a later battle would allow another First Aid check). We call the DC 15 and they get some hit points back.
Emila: So, describe one of these mushrooms to me, while I'm wracked in pain.
GM: They're a whole bunch of -aagh- sort've purple and green a lot of them -aah- with sort've spots, and, uh, red bits -ulgh- it's, you know, just sort've, you know, they're not... are you a mushroom expert?
Oliver: Why are you grunting?
GM: The joke was that he's in wracking pain.
Emila: Can I try Nature Lore untrained?
GM: You can.
Emila: 13, that's not amazing.
GM: Well, they're definitely mushrooms, but you've no idea if they're safe or not.
Guy Lang: 21
GM: Guy Lang, you recognize these mushrooms as definitely being not safe.
Everyone immediately proceeds to collect hallucinogenic mushroom samples.
Then they wander off again in search of stuff. They find a weapon rack. They also find a squad of gnomes. A brief argument is had over who has rights to the goods that they're looking for, and then Emila throws down a Sleep spell. Well, she would, but Uncle Chan actually has a higher initiative roll, so he moves and punches a gnome first.
Then Emila casts Sleep. We're using the BECMI versions of spells, and so I had to double check exactly what Sleep did just to be sure. Damn. This is perhaps the nastiest version of Sleep. 240ft range, 20ft burst, Affects 2d8 HD of living creatures spreading out from the center. Any affected creature instantly falls asleep, no save. Welcome to first edition indeed. Emila knocks out 11HD, so all the gnomes fall over, plus Uncle Chan. Then they stab the gnomes in the neck and wake up Uncle Chan. From the gnomes they loot 5 gnome swords (daggers). From the room they loot 12 spears, a hand axe, a longsword, and 20 arrows.
Then they go into the next room, and they find about 30 old beds, like a barracks. They immediately decide to chop up the bed frames and set them on fire, so that no one else can sneak up on them and set the bed frames on fire first.
GM: Okay, are you going to do this all in the kitchen area you found? where there's already a chimney?
Guy Lang: We could smoke 'em out! There's probably other adventurers in here, let's smoke 'em out! I saw Yojimbo just the other day, that's how they got him. They smoked him out, and then killed him as they tried to run out of the place.
GM: Okay, who are you going to smoke out? There's a lot of dungeon complex here.
Guy Lang: We're going to find people, and then we're gonna smoke them out. Trust me.
GM: So where are you going to light the fire?
Emila: Let's light it here.
Guy Lang: We have to find the people first, then we'll know where the fire's gotta go.
GM: Yeah, if you light the fire right here the smoke won't go any direction except your own face.
Guy Lang: Won't it spread in all directions?
GM: Well, yeah, but there's three walls and a doorway that you're standing in, so it'll go out past you.
Guy Lang: Yeah we're not gonna start the fire here.
GM: Emila was suggesting that though.
Guy Lang: Well, Emila is wrong.
Emila: I think I'm right about this, but that it'll take some time for you guys to end up on the same page as me about it. That's okay.
Guy Lang: Okay, I open the next door, here, *points on the map* and I'll see what's behind it. Because when there's a billion monsters, and we come smoking at 'em, I'll seem like a genius. My guy isn't very wise, he just watched Yojimbo and he wants to do this.
Mord: As opposed to Mord, who's not very intelligent, but who still likes the idea. Perhaps because he's not very intelligent.
GM: This is an old bedroom, ages and ages ago. There's a semblance of a mattress left.
Emila: Let's check the closet.
Oliver: Check under the mattress.
GM: Okay okay hold on. *checks the PDF* There's some wall pegs. The bed has not much mattress on it, but it's a well carved frame. Extremely ornately carved. Nightstand is made of rosewood, looks alright, has a drawer with a keyhole on it.
Guy Lang: Open Lock.
GM: There's a table with the three chairs, and a pitcher under the table with three mugs. They're all made of pewter. Plus there's those doors you can see on the map.
Guy Lang: I open the door.
GM: *reveals the fog of war to show 7 goblins in the walk-in closet*
Mord: Oh, there are quite a few things there.
Guy Lang: I'm gonna need someone to block them all in with me.
Uncle Chan: Punch 'em!
Emila: *moves his mini* Uncle Chan, get in there.
GM: No, you were up here, you can't just jump back yet.
Emila: What? What?
GM: You were definitely also saying you were opening the door.
Guy Lang: Realistically, you just need to stop being at the front. Seriously.
Uncle Chan: Nonsense!
Mord: Look, he haz a deth wish, I cannot, uh, help but condone zis.
Uncle Chan: He he tough, like man!
Guy Lang: Yeah, but I mean if he stays alive more he is going to learn magic, and set many people on fire.
Oliver: Let's just set them on fire without the magic then.
Mord: Not if he is always standing in front, he will not!
GM: You guys should roll some surprise checks.
Guy Lang: I rolled a 6.
GM: Goblins got a 4. Guess you're both not surprised.
Guy Lang: Guy Lang is never surprised! He always expects combat.
~Round 1~
A goblin jumps forward and is immediately full of human hate. He stabs at the wizard, but misses.
GM: Uncle Chan.
Uncle Chan: sí
Mord: sí?
Uncle Chan: sí.
GM: You're up. You pushed open this big double door to a closet and suddenly there's goblins everywhere and they're snarling and waving swords!
Mord: Do they have a pie?
GM: They have no pie, but there's some stuff in there it looks like.
Emila: Are they trapped in the closet?
GM: You don't know, you haven't had a chance to look. But based on the fact that it's full of goblins, maybe not.
Mord: Why were the goblins locked in the closet?
GM: Well, maybe they heard you making a racket and they hid in the closet to try and surprise you.
Guy Lang: DAMNIT! We should have smoked them out!!
Uncle Chan punches a goblin, and it dies.
Goblin misses Uncle Chan.
Oliver... tries to open the lock on the drawer. He fails. But the handle has a cool needle trap on it, so he takes 1 damage.
Oliver: I thought I was already automatically looking for traps!
GM: You were, but that doesn't mean you automatically find them. Also, you can't use that hand for 2 turns.
Oliver: My right or left?
GM: Right.
Mord: How will you masturbate for the next 2 turns?
Uncle Chan: Fuck.
Oliver: Guess I'll just have to masturbate with my left hand for 2 turns.
Guy Lang: This is an emergency situation.
Oliver: Yeah.
Emila goes for a stab attack that misses, then 5ft steps away.
Guy Lang fails to stab a goblin... by one point.
Goblin misses, another goblin moves into a better position.
Mord misses a goblin.
Goblin misses Mord.
Goblin stabs Uncle Chan for 3.
Guy Lang: Wait, your AC is 13? Get the fuck out of there, I have AC 20.
Goblin hits Mord for 2.
~Round 2~
GM: Uncle Chan, your turn to go.
Oliver: Get the fuck out.
Guy Lang: What he said.
GM: Oh, good roll, you hit the goblin, and you kill a gobiln.
Uncle Chan: I kill ze goblin!
Uncle Chan: Also, can I 5ft step after that?
GM: yes.
Uncle Chan: *5ft steps deeper into the crowd of goblins*
Uncle Chan: I eat hornets for breakfast!
GM: Jake, your turn.
Oliver: Uh....
Guy Lang: Get a ranged weapon, you're a chump without one.
Oliver: I have theses arrows, but I don't have anything to fire them with.
Guy Lang: I've watched enough Fist of The North Star to know that if you throw an arrow, you will murder someone.
Oliver: Okay, I'm gonna move here, and throw an arrows at this goblin. *draws a line of fire through Mord*
GM: That sounds really dangerous.
Guy Lang: Don't hit Mord in the back.
GM: There's a strong chance you'd do that.
Guy Lang: That would be like when Ken jumps in front of the arrow that Ral throws... it's obvious... watch that show.
GM: Gonna do it anyway?
Oliver: No, I'm wise and intelligent, so I won't do it.
GM: Just gonna wait?
Oliver: Yeah, actually I'll tell them to hurry up, I'm too old for this shit.
GM: Emila, you're up.
Emila: I get 1 spell a day, is that right?
GM: Yeah.
Emila: I'll think upon the world? I dunno.
Guy Lang: Get out of the way for now.
GM: Yeah they've got a good choke point setup, you can wait if you want.
Emila: I'm gonna step over here and grab the pewter stuff.
Guy Lang: For my turn, Guy Lang steps down and strikes the one who strikes at Mord. He dies.
GM: Alright, this goblin steps down, and tries to hit you. 15 hit?
Uncle Chan: It does!
GM: You take 3.
Uncle Chan: *is left at 1hp*
Uncle Chan: BITE ME!!
Mord misses with his blackjack yet again.
Goblin misses Guy Lang
Uncle Chan: Fight Me.
Goblin misses Uncle Chan.
Uncle Chan: Fight me~
Goblin misses Mord.
~Round 3~
Uncle Chan kills another goblin, and then 5ft steps farther away from the party.
Oliver still can't get a clear shot, so he readies an action to make a sarcastic statement when Uncle Chan dies.
Uncle Chan: fight me!
GM: Emila, are you gonna also prepare a sarcastic statement?
Emila: Uhhhh, no. I'm gonna move 30ft and open this door [to the other closet].
Guy Lang: Why?
GM: Because that might cause more monsters to show up.
Guy Lang: Okay.
GM: *reveals the fog of war to show a giant treasure pile drawn on the map*
Mord: What!?
GM: You see a giant pile of treasure.
Emila: I don't say anything. I don't say anything.
Guy Lang misses.
Mord misses.
A goblin stabs Guy Lang right in the heart, for 6.
And the other goblin misses Chan.
Uncle Chan: FIGHT ME.
~Round 4~
Uncle Chan misses.
Oliver moves over a bit towards Emila.
GM: Alright Emila, whatcha gonna go?
Emila: I'm gonna advance into the room.
Guy Lang: There's gonna be a monster!
GM: There's a big pile of gems and treasure all over the floor.
Oliver: Don't touch the treasure, because it might be trapped.
Emila: I'm gonna scoop up the treasure.
Oliver: You dumb idiot.
GM: You go to scoop it up, and it melts right through you hands. It's an illusion spell!
Emila: Rats, should've seen that.
Guy Lang: Just like in Adventure Time
Guy Lang steps so that he'll be flanked by goblins himself while also flanking a goblin with both Mord and Uncle Chan. North to south it's Mord / Goblin / Guy Lang / Goblin / Uncle Chan. Then he kills the goblin that he's flanking with Uncle Chan.
Mord finally hits a goblin.
The final goblin goes banzai and hits Mord for 5, leaving Mord at 1.
Mord: A good try, my friend.
~Round 5~
Uncle Chan kills the last goblin.
First Aid checks all around. Mord aids Uncle Chan and Oliver, but fails to aid himself.
Uncle Chan attempts to aid Mord, and fails.
Emila fails to aid Mord.
Oliver fails to aid Mord.
GM: You guys are all really not sure what's wrong.
Guy Lang: Boom! Rolled a 21.
GM: Guy Lang, you're like, "okay, here's what you do, you have to take the short sword out from your arm, that's how you fix it."
Mord: Oh! zats ze real lesson.
Guy Lang: You heal 1hp.
In the closet is an old coat with some fancy studs, which can probably at least be melted down if no one wants to buy the coat itself. Also some books. A lantern with no oil, which Guy Lang combines with his oil that has no lantern. Also some old papers, like management documents and old letters that seem to confirm this as being Zelligar's stuff.
One book is a history book.
One book is a plant encyclopedia.
One book is written in an unknown language, but doesn't seem to be magic formulas.
The fourth book is a meteorology book.
They contemplate going to town, but it's several days off, so they decide to camp out in the barracks for a bit instead. First Aid checks are made for Long Term care and so on.
They get up and wander around. They find a dining hall, and beyond the dining all is a room with a statue in it. This is a nice marble statue, worth 5,000gp actually, except that it's a human-sized marble statue so it's like 1,000 lbs or something stupidly heavy like that.
Emila: Uncle Chan should punch it.
GM: It's a very ornate marble statue.
Uncle Chan: does a 5 hit?
GM: ...yes.
Uncle Chan: I do 7 damage.
GM: You do no damage, because it's made of rock.
Emila: What, are you saying rock is....?
GM: I'm saying rock has a hardness of 8, so it subtracts 8 every time it takes damage, so no damage happens to it.
Guy Lang: So describe it a bit.
GM: It's a nice statue of a woman holding her arm out, in like a pose of some sort. Also, there's some benches along the walls.
Oliver: What are the benches made out of?
GM: Oak.
Oliver: Let's burn them.
Guy Lang: We're adding them to the giant burn pile.
Oliver: Yeah, along with those tables.
Mord: Yes.
They explore a bit more
GM: Alright, uh, *reads module* this is an old abandoned room, of no apparent value.
Guy Lang: WHO BUILT THIS GOD DAMNED PLACE?
Mord: zat is an ekzelent question. ze rooms are not symetrikal, ze layout is NONzensikal.
GM: Well, Guy Lang, do you wander around and check the end of the hallway?
Guy Lang: I did.
GM: You did?
Guy Lang: I do it again! What's the point of this stupid hallway!
GM: Make a saving throw against Breath Weapon!
Guy Lang: alright jeeze.... I guess I don't make the save.
GM: You fall down a bit. A door opens up and you fall down a bit.
Guy Lang: wait, vs Breath Weapon?
GM: It's like, how you do reflex saves.
Guy Lang: Why isn't it called Reflex Save?
Emila: This is a different time and a different place Guy Lang.
GM: It's a different time and a different place. That's right.
Guy Lang: I, no, now I want a dragon whose breath weapon is to open pits under people.
Oliver: You breathed on it, and it turned into a weapon.
GM: You fall down a 40ft drop into a pool of water, and you take 4 damage.
Oliver: Well, he's dead, let's all go down this corridor over here.
GM: He's not dead.
Emila: How far?
GM: 40ft, into a pool of water.
Emila: I have two 50ft ropes.
Mord: I also have a length of rope.
GM: Guy Lang, make a swimming check.
Guy Lang: 9
GM: 9? You start to fall under the water, oh no!
Guy Lang: Should I roll again? I'm gonna die here aren't I?
GM: Maybe. Does anyone do anything to improve Guy Lang's situation?
Guy Lang: They're throwing me the rope!
Mord: I toss him ze rope.
GM: okay, okay, Guy Lang roll for a swim check--
Mord: No, no, I just sit back and I laugh for a bit.
GM: That's what I would expect Oliver to do, so maybe other people would do that too. Yeah, Guy Lang roll again with a +5. Alright, you grab at it, and you can pull your head above water and you get a chance to look around. It's just a pretty straight shaft that doesn't lead anywhere it seems.
Oliver: Like a well?
GM: It's kinda like a well, the pool is about 8ft deep.
Guy Lang: Is there like treasure at the bottom?
GM: Hmmmmmmmm, the water is extremely cold, but you do see one metal flask at the bottom.
Guy Lang: If anyone wants to climb down and swim.
Emila: We're not in a position to do that, we're kinda struggling right now.
Mord: Don't look at me my friend.
Emila: We should just get you out of that water, and burn this place down.
Guy Lang: I get the fuck out of here. I leave the thing. Fuck it.
Mord: I First Aid for 3.
Guy Lang: Woo.
Uncle Chan: What was the metal flask in the water?
GM: At the bottom of a 40ft shaft and then 8ft of water, there's a metal flask.
Uncle Chan: Does it look valuable?
GM: It's made of metal.
Uncle Chan: How shiny are we talking?
GM: At least as shiny as a sword.
Uncle Chan: I'm gonna jump down there and swim for it.
Guy Lang: He's going to lower himself on the rope.
Uncle Chan: I know what I said.
Mord: You jump down 40ft, off the top of a 4 story building.
Uncle Chan: There's 8ft of water, I should be fine, right?
Oliver: Oh yeah, totally, totally.
GM: you carefully lower yourself on the rope.
Uncle Chan: Is there something I can tie my rope to?
GM: You can have one of them hold it.
Uncle Chan: Ehhh
Oliver: I can hold it.
Guy Lang: I'm like, super strong, and I'm gonna murder you Oliver.
GM: There is a metal flask, and you obtain it. It looks like a whisky flask, like a drinking flask.
Uncle Chan: That's perfect.
Mord: Really? He could get ye flask?
GM: he could get ye flask.
Then they wander around the map some more.
Guy Lang: I assume that you've been rolling for Oliver's secret door chance every time here.
GM: They don't get a secret door chance exactly.
Mord: You should've been an Elf.
Guy Lang: Alright, what do I see here?
GM: you see a wooden door.
Guy Lang: I open it.
Mord: there's a goat! Do you wanna switch doors?
GM: There is another wooden door.
Guy Lang: Oh my god it's that thing we talked about where there would be a bunch of wooden doors, and then a secret door to the left, and a trillion more wooden doors.
GM: *reveals the entire area around them, it is nothing but wooden doors*
GM: You reveal the most nonsensical architectural arrangement. It's nothing but wooden doors, all around.
Oliver: What the fuck.
Guy Lang: We take every door off of its hinges, and put them all on the burn pile.
Mord: Why is this even a thing?
Guy Lang: WHO MADE THIS DUNGEON? GARY GYGAX? FUCK!!
GM: Yeah, I dunno, it's weird, but... this is how it's designed.
Oliver: We strip all the doors and add them to the burn pile.
They look around so more and find an exercise room, with a training mat in the middle.
Oliver: What's it made of?
GM: It's tatami.
Guy Lang: What else is in the room? And yes, I already assumed it was tatami.
GM: Oliver was revealing his own ignorance by not assuming that it was a tatami mat.
Oliver: I don't even know what tatami is.
Mord: Woven bamboo thing.
Oliver: We add it to the burn pile.
GM: There's a wand on a shelf, and also some metal bars for weight lifting.
Oliver: We give Emila the wand.
Emila: So, I just need to confirm this again...
GM: yes?
Emila: This is a map that you made? or that someone else made?
GM: Someone else made this map.
Emila: Alright, because, this is seriously worthless.
GM: What do you mean it's worthless?
Uncle Chan: It's just a series of useless corridors.
GM: It's... largely a series of useless and abandoned corridors, yes.
Emila: Yeah, useless.
GM: Well, what do you want out of a map?
Emila: Some organizing principle that made it so you could like--
Mord: Like it doesn't even look like a structure that anyone lived in, because it doesn't make any sense.
Uncle Chan: There's just this meandering random corridor, and a room full of doors.
Mord: Maybe they were eating the mushrooms when they were making this place.
GM: They were eating the mushrooms.
Another hallway.
GM: Alright, so you open that door and--
Mord: It's another door!
Uncle Chan: No, it's a brick wall!
Oliver: We add it all to the burn pile.
GM: Well it's like a guest room.
Emila: Are you serious? And then up there the hallway is just a zig zag?
Mord: The more I see the more I want to burn it to the ground.
Oliver: We're burning this entire building down.
GM: This building is made of rock, Oliver.
Oliver: WE'RE BURNING IT DOWN!!
Guy Lang: Smoking them out.
GM: Alright, you get to the end of the hallway, and Oliver, guess what? You finally find a secret door, and it reveals an empty 10ft by 10ft room.
Guy Lang: WHY!?
Mord: God. Fucking. Damnit!
Emila: Ugh, can you just like, wipe this whole session? Spare us?
GM: I mean...
Uncle Chan: ha, where's the fun in that?
GM: There's definitely a little bit of entertainment being had here.
Guy Lang: By fucking you.
GM: Alright, alright, you wander around and explore it all.
Emila: And they're all empty, go figure.
GM: Well, it's a mostly abandoned dungeon.
Mord: Dungeon? I thought it was some temple or something.
Uncle Chan: Mostly abandoned M. C. Escher painting.
GM: It's like a fort.
Mord: Tell me the defensive purpose of all these corridors like a maze are.
GM: So that it takes you for-fucking-ever to actually get anywhere.
Oliver: The treasure is totally in here guys.
GM: Well, there are some orcs in this library.
Oliver: Oh, thank god.
Emila: I cast Sleep on them.
GM: Well, just roll for Init and if you beat all them no one else has to roll.
Emila: 18
GM: You beat all them. You throw your sleep, all the orcs die.
Emila: 2d8... 11
Mord: Gets them all.
GM: Bam.
Emila: Anything good in the books?
Oliver: Is any of it made of paper or wood?
GM: Yessss?
Oliver: Burn pile.
GM: There's a very nice red stone floor that's a little dusty, but would be nice if you polished it up. There's three large oak bookshelves, which are I suppose, you know, burnable, if you insist. There's also all sorts of books.
Mord: Including one mysterious book that's got a picture panel on it, that moves. It flies over an island, including a dock, an observatory, and a strange space ship thing.
Oliver: Guys, the treasure that we found in this temple is the friendship that we shared while trying to explore its emptiness.
Mord: No, fuck you.
They find a blacksmith room, and a skeleton of a troglodyte, and pile of coal next to the forge. Naturally, the coal goes into the burn pile. There's also a shaft down into a deeper layer. They decide to finish off the first layer before delving deeper.
So at this point I decided to just reveal most of the rest of the map that didn't have an encounter in it ahead of time and we skip to the last few features.
GM: There's a room with a bunch of pools.
Oliver: Water won't help us burn things down.
Guy Lang: I check each one for another ye olde flaske
GM: there's all sorts of stuff in these pools.
Guy Lang: Is this The Magician's Nephew?
GM: something like that.
Guy Lang: We've just unlocked a secret.
GM: Pool of pinkish liquid, pool of clear fizzy liquid, murky grey syrup, green slime, watery pool, pool of wine or some other red liquid, one is dried out, one is bubbling hot, one is shimmering...
Mord: Just paste a list in chat.
GM: It's like 2 pages and i'm just giving you the first sentence of each paragraph.
Mord: damnit.
GM: Well you could try something, or you could ignore it all.
Emila: I'll put two liquids in two flasks.
GM: Which ones?
Emila: Wine.
Uncle Chan: Which of these looks the most menacing?
GM: the fizzy one.
Uncle Chan: I fill my flask from the well with the fizzy stuff.
GM: You notice a brass key at the bottom of the pool as you're filling up the flask.
Guy Lang: Oh my god get it!! Put your hand in there!
Oliver: Put your hand in it.
Uncle Chan: I need those hands.
Oliver: If you have some string or whatever I have some fishing hooks.
Uncle Chan: I've got 50ft of rope.
GM: You can pull apart the rope to get some twine.
Guy Lang: We Chewing Gum On A String this shit.
GM: Alright, you hook the fish hook onto the rope, and try to get the key, but the rope burns up as it sinks into the acid.
Mord: Stick your hand in there.
Guy Lang: I poke it with the tip of the longsword.
GM: Ahhh, you use the top of the longsword to get the circle bit on the key. You have one brass key.
Oliver: Get my fishing hook back.
Guy Lang: Can I do that?
GM: Probably, it's got a loop, sure.
Guy Lang: I poke my sword in all the other pools.
GM: Your sword glows a bit when you stick it in the glowy pool.
Guy Lang: Woo!
Mord: I have a bunch of flasks, I'm gonna take flasks of a bunch of things. Wine--
Emila: I got Wine and the black syrup
Mord: Acid, glow.
GM: The wine seems normal, the glowy water is shimmering and is different colors as you look at it. The acid just sorta seems like acid.
Mord: What other pools?
GM: Pink, acid, grey syrup, green slime, looks like cold water, wine, dry pool, hot pool, shimmer pool, green liquid, one has fish in it, one is bubbling over with ice.
Oliver: I take a fish hook and fish for some fish.
Guy Lang: I trident a fish way faster than he fishhooks it.
GM: You trident the fish way faster than the can fishhook it.
Mord: Ice, acid, glow, pink liquid.
Emila: Let's get those beds..
GM: Hold on. Uncle Chan, you gonna look around while they're doing all this?
Uncle Chan: Look around in other areas or in the pools?
GM: In the room.
Guy Lang: I put my hand in the glowy stuff!
Uncle Chan: I'm going to drink the least menacing looking thing.
GM: Uhh, there's stuff that looks like water, stuff that looks like wine, and stuff that looks pink and inviting.
Mord: There'st stuff that has fish in it, the fish are living, that's probably a good sign.
GM: And stuff fish are living in, but that might be full of fish pee.
Uncle Chan: Pink stuff.
GM: You heal 3 hp.
Uncle Chan: boom.
Oliver: everyone drink it.
Guy Lang: Wait what?
GM: You heal d6 hp.
Guy Lang: From the pink one?
Uncle Chan: I dump out my flask of acid and fill it with the pink stuff.
Mord: *rolls a 1* balls.
Guy Lang: Can't you just drink again? there's a whole pool of it.
Mord: Right *rolls a 1 again* damnit.
GM: And it doesn't seem to have an effect the second time you drink from it.
Mord: God!
Oliver: Drink the wine.
Mord: It will help wash away my sorrows, so I do it.
GM: It helps wash away your sorrows.
Emila: The wine is wine?
GM: The wine is wine.
Emila: I drink all my wine in the flask, and then get the pink stuff in my flask.
Oliver: Only works once.
Emila: I haven't used it yet.
Mord: Probably once per week or once per day or something.
Emila: and we might want to perform some experiments upon it.
Oliver: Oh, wanna boil any of this? I have an iron pot.
Guy Lang: hmm, not right now.
GM: Hey, Guy Lang, roll a surprise check.
Emila: We're not surprised!
GM: As you're doing all this, a swarm of kobolds comes rushing out of the door.
Guy Lang: I anti-swarm them.
Oliver: What door?
GM: A secret door. So, you guys are here, and the kobolds jump out at you here.
Oliver: Throw acid on them, throw acid on their face.
Guy Lang: What is this, the 1940's?
Mord: Actually, leaving a few alive to dip into pools iz not a bad idea.
Emila: That's cruel.
Oliver: I vote we do it.
Guy Lang: Uhm, I don't do subdual damage.
Mord: Ah, but I can.
~Round 1~
Kobold throws a javelin Oliverward, and misses
Mord moves flankward.
Kobold misses Mord
Uncle Chan moves 40ft, then another 40ft
Kobold misses Uncle Chan
Oliver moves to the Acid pool, and fills up his iron pot with acid.
Kobold misses with a Javelin
Guy Lang moves.
Kobold javelins Uncle Chan for 4.
Emila moves up 30ft and throws a dagger, missing.
Oliver: Now you're down a dagger.
GM: It falls into the pool of wine.
Guy Lang: We'll just have to drink our way to the bottom.
GM: Only way.
Emila: I got 4 daggers.
Kobold hits Chan for another 2.
Uncle Chan: I don't like these kobolds.
Guy Lang: Punch it in the THROAT!
~Round 2~
Kobold gets hit by Mord for 3 damage and has 4 hp, so it gets to make a knockout check, but it passes.
Kobold misses Mord.
Uncle Chan: I would like to punch a kobold in the face.
GM: Okay.
Uncle Chan: I do not accomplish this.
GM: Okay.
Uncle Chan: I would like to 5ft step away.
GM: Okay
Uncle Chan: Because I'm gettin my shit kicked in.
Oliver moves into position.
Kobold misses Mord
Guy Lang misses a kobold.
Kobold misses Guy Lang.
Emila throws a dagger, misses.
Kobold hits Emila for 6 damage, and she topples over.
~Round 3~
Mord critical existence failures a kobold.
Kobold misses Guy Lang
Uncle Chan drinks his flask and heals 2, then immediately 5ft steps back into the fray.
Kobold hits Mord, for 1 damage.
Oliver moves up and throws acid at a kobold.
GM: There's a chance you'll get acid on Guy Lang and Mord if you throw acid and it splashes everywhere.
Oliver: Okay.
Guy Lang: You're, and I quote, "a bastard in a basket".
GM: Roll a d6
Oliver: Are you prayin' guys?
Guy Lang: Uh, no.
GM: Okay, the kobold saves, so he takes 3 instead of 6. He is just barely still alive. Guy Lang and Mord should also make Reflex saves, I mean Breath Weapon saves. ha ha ha. See that joke I threw in for ya Guy Lang?
Guy Lang: Yeah, I'm just annoyed that I'm gonna take 6 damage because of Oliver being a fucker.
Mord: I failed as well.
GM: Naw you both just take 1 damage. And it's your turn Guy Lang.
Oliver: You should attack the guy that's gonna attack me.
Guy Lang: Nope. I attack the other guy above me.
But he missed.
The kobold missed back.
Emila saves against Death Ray, and she fails, taking 1 damage. Only at -3 total, but she dies at negative Con Score (11), so she's safe for a bit.
A kobold hits Uncle Chan for 5, knocking him down.
~Round 4~
Mord blackjacks a kobold down.
Guy Lang: For once Mord is the one doing everything.
Uncle Chan makes his save, so he stabilizes without taking damage.
Oliver misses with his dagger throw, and it also goes into the wine.
Guy Lang: We need to drink a lot of wine to get these daggers back.
Guy Lang kills a kobold.
Emila stabilizes.
Kobold misses Oliver
~Round 5~
Mord misses a kobold.
Kobold misses Guy Lang.
Oliver only had the one dagger, which he threw, so he tries to stab at a kobold with an arrow. Tries.
Guy Lang kills a kobold.
The last kobold goes into a blood frenzy, but misses Oliver.
~Round 6~
Mord klunks the last kobold.
So now they've got 3 dead kobolds, and 2 unconcious kobolds, and 2 unconscious humans. First Aid is applied to the humans, for 1 and none, to Guy Lang for 3, and Mord for 2.
Oliver heals Emila for 2.
So they skip testing the acid, they know it's deadly.
Oliver drinks the entire pond of wine, and gets the daggers back. Like a prize at the end of the bottle.
They put a kobold in the glowy pond, and it begins to glow in a shimmering way as well. Even after they pull him out of the pond. Guy Lang soaks his trident in the glow pond as well.
The put a kobold into the Green Slime, and it absorbs the entire kobold, and grows a bit bigger in response.
Guy Lang: We should feed all the bodies from this fight into the slime.
Oliver: Do it.
GM: Yeahhhhh, cause that's safe.
Mord: No, give it all of ze wood.
Guy Lang: Can we haul these basins out?
GM: No, they're dug into the ground.
Mord: We can bring a flask of it to the other room.
Guy Lang: Can we get some into a flask, without it eating us?
GM: You don't know if it'll be alive after you cut off part of it.
Guy Lang: I put it onto a kobold's foot, then pull it back out.
GM: It keeps dissolving the foot.
Guy Lang: Get over here Mord, we're going to put this portion of slime into the flask.
Mord: Very well, I do it.
Guy Lang: Do we get it?
GM: Uh, you get some into a flask.
Guy Lang: Yeah we're gonna grow this over a town.
GM: Oh
Oliver: I'm okay with this
Mord: What happens if we dip a kobold into the bubbling ice?
GM: The kobold gets frozen a bit. Seems like dry ice.
Guy Lang: Well, we go into the office, and we'll rest there. Also, I long term care Uncle Chan.
GM: The decor is "pleasant, although uninspired" [direct quote from the module], the floor is a moasic, with a nice painting on the wall. It's signed as from Zeligar and Roghan, to their advisor Merivak. Papers on the desk. A drawer on the desk, and a cupboard.
Guy Lang: Well obviously we open both. Drawer first.
GM: You open it up, but a horrible trap goes off, and gas emits from the drawer, freezing your hand for 1 damage.
Guy Lang: I require First Aid.
GM: Inside the drawer are some boots.
Mord: In a drawer?
GM: It's a tall drawer. I've got a drawer on my desk that could fit some boots.
Mord: Yes, but you don't.
GM: Do you want the boots or not?
Mord: Okay, whatever.
Guy Lang: I put them on.
GM: They're really nice boots.
Guy Lang: That's what they'll be called on my character sheet.
GM: In the cupboard, there's a chest and a really nice medallion.
Guy Lang: I take the medallion. And I open the chest.
GM: The chest is locked.
Guy Lang: Well, you know what that means boys.
Mord: There's nothing in it.
GM: Yeah, there's obviously nothing in it.
Guy Lang: Oliver, make a lock check.
GM: Nope, looks like you can't open this lock I guess.
Guy Lang: We recklessly use the hammer.
GM: You smash it open and there's a big pile of coper, silver, electrium, and gold, all mixed up.
Guy Lang: How many of each?
GM: Well there's plenty of time to count it. 840 copper, 290 silver, 120 electrium, 25 gold.
Guy Lang: Oliver, talley all that.
They looked at one last place in the north where they find a million construction supplies. We called it a night there. About a quarter of the first floor is left unexplored, along with the lower level. They grab the copper wire and leave the rest of the supplies behind, and go back to town for now. 543 EXP for everyone. I didn't divide the award among the number of players like normal, because they'd had a rough time of it.