The Tarrasque is headed for your town, wat do?

[Omegonthesane]

So, I realized you can use the same flask-thrower tactic from the Rog5 I mentioned in Annoying Game Questions to beat the Tarrasque at a lower level if you can get a bunch of commoners and the use of a Cloud Keeled galley (see below).

Now I want to see the lowest level/funniest/best ways Denners can think up to defeat Fiction's lamest Godzilla expy.

---

The First Airborne Commoner Brigade
Get a cloud keel galley, 52 commoners, and 208 acid flasks. Give each commoner 4 flasks, and line them up two deep at the rails of the Galley.

Fly the ship over Big T, 30' above him to stay out of his reach. Each commoner tosses an acid flask at him and takes a 5' step back, into the square of the commoner who's prepped an action to take a 5' step forward when the guy in front of him steps back. 104 commoners drop a flask each turn, dealing 3 acid damage on average per flask, for a total 312 acid-40 regen=272 average damage per turn.

The first airborne commoner division can defeat Big T in 4 rounds (possibly 5, since I think they'll need a round to pick up another flask in each hand).

If you have a battalion of human warriors you've specifically trained for this, they have Quick Draw and TWF, and can drop two flasks per round, albeit at a -5 attack....against Touch AC 5. The First Airborne Anti-Tarrasque Force drops Big T in 2 rounds, and at that point you just need a wizard to cast the Wish spell.

The biggest problem with this approach, is getting the ship. A galley costs 60,000g, a cloud keel, for letting the ship sail in the air at 40', costs 200,000g. Now, if you have a wizard to cast the necessary Wish spell, you can probably have him use planar crafting tricks to go make a Cloud Keel. Alternatively, you turn the Galley into a Zeppelin, which still has a decent cost to it, but at least it doesn't require magic.

Alternatively, you call up the dwarves and get colossal chains made, then take you're biggest obstinate asshole, give him a keg of liquid courage and a bed full of women to impress, and you chain up the unconscious tarrasque outside your city in fucking boat-anchor chains and stocks. Conceivably, I can't find anything for "bigger than normal chain break dcs," but looking at the bonus creatures get based on size to break them, you could say that scaling chains up raises the break DC by 4 per size, meaning that Colossal chains have a DC 42 break DC, which the Tarrasque can't actually roll.

Doesn't the Tarrasque have DR 15/epic? Sure, the commoners won't die failing to hurt it this way, but 3 acid damage doesn't seem like enough.

[Kaelik]

DR doesn't apply to elemental damage. That is what elemental resistances are for.

[Omegonthesane]

DR doesn't apply to elemental damage. That is what elemental resistances are for.

Huh, so it doesn't. I am stand correct. Wasn't familiar with the use of "energy" to mean "elemental" in the text.

[TheFlatline]

No headband needed, Tarrasque has an int of 3. It can be diplomatized, theoretically. It can't speak, but it can be diplomatized.

Let's go goofier. Intimidate isn't going to be an option since any DM with a hair on his asshole will give the tarrasque a massive bonus on intimidate checks, but the Tarrasque is particularly not very good at sense motive, so bluff checks might work.

So yeah, 1st level bard with a potion of "speak with animal" has a decent chance of bluffing the tarrasque that it's already eaten your town and is full.

I love this one just for the absurdity.

Bard: "Go home Tarrasque, you're drunk."

Tarrasque: "What? No, I wanna wreck that town."

Bard: "You already did. You drank all the ale at the inn, rolled around on the hay bales, and now the town is a smoldering ruin."

Tarrasque: "Really? I don't remember that...maybe I am drunk?" [staggers off]

Yeah that was just about the most absurd "win" scenario I could think of.

[Prak]

Strictly, there are a couple problems with that scenario-
1) Speak with Animals only works on Animals, the Tarrasque is a magical beast with greater than animal intelligence that just happens to not have a language.
2) I'm pretty sure the Tarrasque on the warpath would be considered to be attacking, or at the least would charge anyone who tried to address it, which means the bard would have to save against it's DC 36 frightful presence, or do so outside the implied exceptional 60' range.

I wouldn't be surprised if there were a spell one could use to speak with an intelligent creature without a language, but I don't know of one. ..though I suppose one might be able to give the Tarrasque a Comprehend Languages affect?

[infected slut princess]

Can you use a spell to reduce the Tarrasque's intelligence by a point, then use Handle Animal to make him your pet and teach him funny tricks?

[Prak]

Apparently, yes, Feeblemind reduces Int and Cha scores to 1. Permanently.

[Cynic]

While it is ridiculous, I've played one too many diplo/smooth-talkers and seen too many played to have a talking exploit be the most ridiculous. Prak's example is still exemplary. Of course, there was the one where the Tarrasque was turned into a bunny by some manner but because of shitty rules reading/RAW, it could still swallow whole creatures 6 sizes bigger than it.

[fectin]

I wouldn't be surprised if there were a spell one could use to speak with an intelligent creature without a language, but I don't know of one. ..though I suppose one might be able to give the Tarrasque a Comprehend Languages affect?

Take a level of mindbender. Problem solved forever.

[Prak]

That requires you to be at least 6th level. I would say that the closer you get to the Tarrasque's actual CR, the less absurd your solution is. Or rather, the farther you are from it the more absurd.

...though 54 commoners would have a fairly high EL...

[fectin]

Summon Monster 1 a quasit (comes with telepathy). Drop glibness on it.

[Omegonthesane]

That requires you to be at least 6th level. I would say that the closer you get to the Tarrasque's actual CR, the less absurd your solution is. Or rather, the farther you are from it the more absurd.

...though 54 commoners would have a fairly high EL...

1 commoner is EL 1/2, I don't have the table on me so for the sake of speed 2 commoners is EL 1, then it's +1 EL / *2 commoners. So 54 commoners is somewhere between EL 5 and EL 6 unless I've made a catastrophically false assumption.

[TiaC]

That requires you to be at least 6th level. I would say that the closer you get to the Tarrasque's actual CR, the less absurd your solution is. Or rather, the farther you are from it the more absurd.

...though 54 commoners would have a fairly high EL...

1 commoner is EL 1/2, I don't have the table on me so for the sake of speed 2 commoners is EL 1, then it's +1 EL / *2 commoners. So 54 commoners is somewhere between EL 5 and EL 6 unless I've made a catastrophically false assumption.

Well, it's +2 EL/doubling, but a commoner is kobold-level weak, so I think they are CR 1/4 or worse. So, EL 9 then.