Without Breaking Britain?
by
Dave Morris & Jamie Thomson
On March 29, 2017, the United Kingdom gave notice under Article 50 of its intention to quit the European Union.
You're the British Prime Minister. You now have just two years to negotiate the unpicking of an alliance that's been built up over four decades. And that's not the only minefield you’re going to have to cross. Your cabinet is unruly, your party is splitting itself apart, and the country remains bitterly divided over the whole issue.
Can you hang on and bring Britain safely into harbour? Forge new trade deals around the globe? Juggle popular support at home with the goodwill of your former EU allies? Stop the economy from spiralling down the plug hole? And all the while keeping an eye on those Parliamentary colleagues whose knives are ever-ready to plunge into your back?
This is a gamebook in which the outcome is decided by the choices you make. You know the kind of thing. You’ll need a pencil to keep track of how you’re doing on the Brexit Memo Pad.
Anything else? Oh yes, start at section 1. Seems obvious, but these days we can’t take anything for granted…
WHO’S WHO
Armand Alprèves: EU Commission chief negotiator
Bill Appleby: Presenter of the BBC show Now Then
Jay Arthur: Health Secretary
Leslie Barkwell: International Trade Minister
Ron Beardsley: Downing Street chief of staff
Dave Deadpool: US chief strategist
Dennis Dent: Secretary of State for Exiting the EU
Amelia Dimple: Environment Secretary
Harvey Doggerbank: Chairman of the 1922 Committee
Bob Fobber: Leader of the Liberal Democrats
Willy Franjeboom: Chief negotiator for the EU Parliament
Colin Fungale: Sometime leader of UKIP
Crispin Gorm: Attorney General
Ingrid Käsen: Chancellor of Germany
Yalayip Kulübe: President of Turkey
Jonathan Leonine: Former Tory grandee
Douglas Mac: President of the European Council
Martin Mugglemore: Presenter of the TV show Feeding Time
Gervais Noysom-Reek: Conservative backbencher
Bob Owlbear: Deputy leader of the opposition
Jaume Pandillero: President of the Philippines
Kirstin Pike: First Minister of Scotland
Lemmi Puukaasu: Prime Minister of Finland
Tiffany Rufus: Home Secretary
Barry Scraggle: Leader of the opposition
Chloe Stoat: Business Secretary
Alan Stollard: Chancellor of the Exchequer
Bill Strait: Father of the House
Peter Strewel: Foreign Secretary
Jean-Jacques Terlamen: President of the European Commission
Thomas Tode: Prominent Leave campaigner
Terri Trough: Downing Street Press Secretary
Dumpster P Windrip: President of the United States
The light creeps in under your eyelids like the water seeping into your car that’s just careened off the road and into the river. The windows bulge under the pressure and then burst inwards – strangely not with a crack but with a swish like curtains being drawn. In seconds the water turns into a gushing torrent. Your lungs are starting to fill with water as the limo sinks deeper into the black waters – ‘No!’ you cry as you sit bolt upright. Wildly you look around the back seat of the... Wait a minute. This isn’t your car. It’s the bedroom of Number 10. ‘Are you all right, Prime Minister?’ says a soft voice. ‘You asked to be woken at six-thirty.’ You give a groan as a dull headache starts pulsing behind your eyes. It feels like you’ve had about thirty minutes’ sleep at best. ‘What do you reckon about drowning, Wilkins? It’s supposed to be a peaceful way to go, isn’t it?’ ‘I believe the evidence is sketchy, Prime Minister.’ He indicates the cup of tea beside you, along with a stack of newspapers. Yesterday you gave notice to the European Union of Britain’s decision to invoke Article 50. You notice the Daily Heil has led with something about the glorious new dawn of Brexit. And why not? They aren’t the ones who actually have to deliver it. To remind yourself what it actually meant when you declared Article 50...
(There's no reason not to do that, so...)
Article 50 of the Lisbon Treaty states: First, that any member state can decide to withdraw from the European Union ‘in accordance with its own constitutional requirements.’ Second, that a member state that decides to leave starts off by notifying the European Council of its intention. The European Union then negotiates a withdrawal agreement with that state, taking account of the framework for its future relationship with the Union. That agreement requires the consent of the European Parliament and is then put to a vote in the European Council, in other words the heads of state of all the EU countries. Third, the state ceases to be a member of the EU two years after declaring its intention to leave, unless an agreement for a transition period has been made before then. Since you declared Article 50 yesterday, you now have two years to conclude that agreement. Two years. Is that luxurious indulgence, or is it going to be a whiteknuckle ride from hell? That’s what you’ll soon find out. The lawyer who drafted Article 50 says that he never expected any nation to actually invoke it unless their government had fallen to a coup or something similar. Of course, many critics of Brexit say that’s exactly what it is, a populist takeover by the right wing of your party. But so far you’re still in charge. Got all that? It’s only going to get more fraught, so if you’ve got any Valium you might want to pop a couple now. Once you’ve steeled yourself for the fray.
Hold on. Maybe you’ve never seen a book like this before? The idea is that you make choices and those choices will direct you on a path through the book. What are you trying to do? The clue is in the title. You’ll be keeping track of how you’re doing on your Brexit Memo Pad. Listed there are four variables that you’ll want to keep an eye on:
• Authority is your control of your own Parliamentary party.
• Economy measures the financial health of the country.
• Goodwill is how well-disposed the other EU members are towards Britain.
• Popularity is what the voting public think of how you’re doing.
Those are all measured as percentages, and they all begin at 52%. Contrary to the belief of sports coaches and management gurus, they can’t go higher than 100%. Nor can they go below 1%. For example, if you’re awarded a bonus of +15 to your Popularity when its score is already at 90%, you should just increase it to 100%. You’ll need to use notes to record your current scores on the Brexit Memo Pad, and you’ll also highlight keywords which keep track of your decisions, and you’ll mark off negotiations as you complete them. When you’ve hit a link to consult at the Brexit Memo Pad, you can return to the place you came from using the Back button. But I’m sure you already knew that. You’re running a country, after all. You don’t need your hand held.
(Back buttoning not being terribly relevant done on the gaming den, but included for completeness. There are 25 keywords in the Brexit Memo Pad, and 10 key areas to negotiate)
You reach for the tea. ‘Bring me up to speed, Wilkins. Any early appointments?’
‘Three, Prime Minister. Mrs Stoat, Mr Beardsley, and Sir Harvey. Whom should I schedule for the breakfast meeting?’
Chloe Stoat is Secretary of State for Business, Energy and Industrial Strategy. She’s a jittery, brittle type with a habit of shooting her mouth off to the press if she feels she’s being left out of the loop. Nonetheless, talking to her would help you get a picture of Brexit’s economic impact.
As the Downing Street chief of staff, Ron Beardsley is your policy advisor. If there is any philosophical agenda underpinning your political strategy, it comes from him, and he’s prepared a brief on the exit payment the EU wants from Britain. Ron is a little intense, though, and hard to take first thing in the morning. As is his pipe.
Sir Harvey Doggerbank is the chair of the 1922 committee. A hardcore right-winger whose wide-eyed glare always make you think of Yeats’s ‘Second Coming’. But maintaining your authority means keeping him close.
You remember that the Chancellor is arriving for a meeting about the EU exit fee at 8:30, so there’ll only be time to see one of them now and the others will have to wait.
‘I have some things to talk over with Mr Beardsley.’
‘Let’s get Sir Harvey out of the way first.’