Posted: Wed Sep 04, 2013 11:47 pm
And the premise of the story was . . interesting i'll say . . not my cup of coffee, but well written anyway.
Because I saw others do it, hopefully you're okay with a little proofing:Ancient History wrote:The Unpublishable. Yet More Star Wars Fanfic. I can't help myself. Anyway: "Form Zero." http://www.the-unpublishable.com/2013/09/form-zero.html
Should be "a testament".the Valley of the Dark Lords, the toppled and broken statues that were testament to generations of
If it were changed to "while the muun's dismembered corpse..." it would tie that event to the last time he saw Milos, rather than it sounding like a non-sequitur.The last time Eiven had seen Milos Sothas was in the arena on Tatooine, and the muun’s dismembered corpse was being carried away in a gravcart.
Seems like it's missing a word around the region of "Task".“Not yet,” Task. “So why now?”
When I read this, "At the academy" seemed out of place and stunted, like it didn't fit anything. I had to go back to read that it was a response. If the shade stepped out of the shadows then asked his question I'd have no confusion and it might flow better.“Something near and dear to both of us. Lightsaber combat. Ever heard of Form Zero?”
The shade of Milos Sothas walked a couple steps closer, and the shadows seemed to stretch and cling to him—or maybe it was just the lengthening shadow as the sun continued to set. He didn’t quite look real to Eiven’s eyes, but there was a certain solidness to the darkness, and there was something at that spot that drew his higher senses, like an eddy in the Force.
“At the academy,” Task said, unconsciously clenching his prosthetic left hand. He had lost the arm and a good part of his torso in an arrogant and, in hindsight, idiotic training accident. Prosthetics had saved his life and diminished his ability, and that had marked the end of his formal instruction.
That first comma isn't necessary. And instead of one blank line following this, as is the case in the rest of the story, here you have two.In the dark, it was almost formless, simply an outline against the deeper shadows as Korriban's moons began to rise.
See those two spaces after "century"? Extra spaces are truncated here, but on your site and in raw text it shows up.when I was a century younger.
After "chosen one" is a great place for a semicolon.You're not a chosen one, there is no grand galactic destiny for you, but you work hard.
This reads as awkward to me, in part because "still holding his prize gently" was only a couple lines above, and it's very unclear as to why a bug would be considered a prize of any kind. Also, are we to assume the valley is full of dark lords... plus one other thing that is not a dark lord? Or plus one other dark lord that is more newly-dead? Good stories deserve a killer, almost poetic final line or the whole thing seems rough.Then Task turned and walked away from the quarry, carrying his prize, and leaving behind him a valley of broken monuments and the angry echoes of dark lords...plus one other.
meat surely?forcing morsels of meet into its tiny jaws.
not unkindly, can't find any errors otherwise.Not unkindle
alloy, not allowand beyond that a tangle of plastics and allow prostheses
started pouringand the old Sith pureblood behind the counter started poured two small glasses of something clear from a bottle with a writhing worm in the bottom of it
dun hood?A figure in a dun hood and cloak came in as he finished his shot
easy for him to say!Eiven would rather try to catch a lightsaber with his bare hand than be in the same system with them
tubers?threaded through with lighter tendrils from which crystals grew like fruit or tubers
for and wookie without 2 eThe fight didn’t end well with the wookiee
doesn't read right somehow . . as if a word were missing somewhere, i can't really put my finger on it though . .apparently it was controlled by some telepathic Baforr crystal-ferns or some such crap she’d picked up Ithor or some crap like that
wompa? not wampa? o.OTypical teenage Jedi angsty wompashit
Dun is an earthy color.dun hood?
Like potatoes.tubers?
Nope, two e's.wookie without 2 e
still without edstilled tied to their bones
did he drop it? O.oI picked up my left foot and brought the heavy heel of my boot down on his throat.
what? O.o i think the first dropped was one too much right?and was surprised when I grabbed dropped my staff and grabbed his burning blade with my right hand