Porn stars & gaming

[Ted the Flayer]

I don't think being buttrammed or buttramming someone that hasn't bathed in months sounds like fun.

[unnamednpc]

That's where the rum comes into play - it sanitizes and funitizes at the same time!

[Lago PARANOIA]

As someone who has actually served in a maritime service, I have to say that I would've preferred less rum and more sodomy. Then again, most of the guys/gals on my ship were rather unattractive, so that just might reflect my low opinion on the frequent and tiresome antics of your average drunken sailor.

Here's something terrifying: people have tried to start up the aircraft carrier's reactor while hungover. Both of them got caught and got in some deep shit, but still.

[Prak]

So, I've started checking the blog on a semi-regular basis...

What the fuck is this:

BARBARIAN (Variant On The Classic Class for DIY D&D games)

So, start with the hit points and saves for a 0-level Fighter in your system (if it has a Ranger, hey, even better). Write those down.

At first level, and each time you level up, you get your hit points as usual, but instead of the attack bonus and saves improving on a schedule, you roll twice on this table. Do what it says--there are also indicators of what to do if you re-roll that same result over again in places where that's hard to figure out...

• 1-29: +1 to hit. Because fucking barbarian, hello?
• 30-45: +1 to all your saves. Getting wizardcontrolled gets old after a while.
• 46: Yes, you can have one axe in each hand, munchkin. You have a second attack per round. You divide your usual attack bonus however you like between opponents/strikes. You get another extra attack per round every time you re-roll this result.
• 47-48: You're tough as jerky. +1 con up to racial max. Numbers in excess go to str or dex.
• 49-52: CROM SAYS DIE!!! You are extra motivated about killing really big things that fucked you up. If a creature more than 10' tall knocks you down to half or fewer hit points, you may summon your angriosity to inflict triple damage on a hit. This only works once per opponent. Unless you re-roll this result, then it works twice, or three times, etc etc.
• 53: Mmmm, I know this beast... In any wilderness environment like that of your native land you will know whatever organic life has been there in the last 24 hours including all typical wandering monsters, and you know about anything that's been there in the last week on a successful roll-under-wis or roll-under-level (whichever is higher) check. Re-roll this result and it extends to dungeons, then to cities, then to inorganic life. Then if you keep re-rolling you can always do the "everything in the last week" thing in the wilderness, then in dungeons...
• 54: The Great Crone has spoken: that thing you wanted? The Jewel of Carmathroq? The Map To the Pleasure Pits of Mazuun? The Spiked Club of Oool? It's there. 4 sessions worth of adventure away or less. Tell your GM, who then must place it.
  You must have a fair shot at it--like any other treasure, but there's no guarantee you will get it. If you don't get it by the fourth session you can keep trying or let it go and roll again on this table. However if you choose to roll again and then you do get the thing somehow anyway, you lose whatever gimmick you rolled. GM think up some clever reason why.
• 55: You grunt and things listen. You have an exceptionally (though not supernaturally) intelligent hound, henchman, or horse (your choice*). This npc cannot be slain, kidnapped or otherwise traduced "offscreen" by the GM, so if he or she's in trouble and your PC is not around you get to play it out. If you re-roll this and your previous one is not dead, you get to add another hit die to your pal.
• 56: "'Grrr?' GRRRRR!". You can intimidate hostile beasts of animal intelligence into accepting you as dominant so long as nobody in your party has attacked them. Basically, roll d10 and add your charisma or level (whichever is higher) and the GM rolls d10 + the creatures's meanness, rated on a scale of 1-20 by the GM with 20 being like some mama bear that just watched you eat all her baby bear's heads and is also mind-controlled by a hostile witch doctor. If the "charisma attack" works, the creature will calm down. If the charm offensive fails, you are at effectively unarmored, flat-footed AC the next round because you are really not scaring them there and are walking right up to the animal. Good luck with that. Re-rolling this result raises your AC by one if the charm offensive fails.
• 57: This not right... You are totally used to tromping around in the wilderness. In any wooded environment (or whatever other one you are a native of) you cannot be surprised and will always notice anyone coming at least 2 rounds away. Your experience with the landscape and the way it grows allows you to search a wilderness hex at twice the ordinary speed and if you are pursuing or being pursued through the wilderness you add your level, in feet, to your relative speed for purposes of determining who catches who. If you re-roll this, the expertise extends to all outdoor environments, re-roll again and it goes for dungeons, re-roll again and cities, again and it works in like the planes, re-roll again and you should probably just re-roll on this table until you get something different.
• 58: These pythons are not cosmetic. +1str up to racial max. Numbers in excess go to con or dex.
• 59-60: Roll out the hogfat and corpsepaint. Ok: Take half an hour out of your busy schedule and eat the heart of an animal that you and your party (of 10 or fewer people) killed ( a regular, nonmagic animal, though prehistoric animals and maybe some other weird monsters count at the GM's discretion). You yourself must have delivered the killing blow. After you do that, you gain the offensive strength of that creature for one hour (# of attacks, bonus to attack, damage) but are also kind of nuts and cannot speak except in short grunts (you can point). You can preserve the heart for as long as you want before doing this. Do this more than once per day and you will go completely crazy. Re-roll this result and the effect lasts an extra hour.
• 61: Slaughtermaster. You know exactly where to put it: +1 damage. If you roll this again it jumps to +3, then +5, +7 etc
• 62-63: Hearty motherfucker. +2 vs toxins, poisons and whatever other saves might be considered derivable from your general good health in the system you're using. +3 vs inebriation. Same bonuses again each time you re-roll this.
• 64-65: Smacktastic. On a melee hit you can do your usual damage plus knock a human-sized opponent back ten feet. If you try it twice on the same opponent they get a save or str check or something against you. If you roll this result again you get 2 free shoves before the saves kick in. After that, re-roll.
• 66: Human steamroller. On a melee hit you can do your usual damage plus knock a human-sized opponent prone. If you try it twice on the same opponent they get a save or str check or something against you. If you roll this result again on this table, you get 2 free knockdowns before the saves kick in, then 4, etc. After that, re-roll.
• 67: The ways of your people are murderous ways. You are now +2 to hit in 2 of the following situations: from horseback, in unarmed combat, or with a bow or crossbow. Your choice. If you eventually roll all of those and keep re-rolling this result, you start getting +2s to weird fighting situations you can make up, like fighting blind or on fire or whatever GM approval blah blah blah
• 68-69: Eye of the Deeply Uncivilized. +2 to checks to intimidate people -1 to charm or lie to fancies. +2 when your re-roll this thereafter.
• 70-71: ...but that day is not this day. Basically you can use the Shields Shall Be Splintered rule on a limb of your choice: A single hit that normally would have killed you just maimed you instead. You lose an arm below the elbow or leg below the knee, your choice. If you re-roll this you can "bank" another one or, if you've already lost a limb, the next time you get magically healed it comes back.
• 72-73: Headcrusher. Your crit range extends by one. Now you double damage on a 19 or 20. Keep rolling this and it keeps extending.
• 74-75: Killed you a bar when you was only 3. You can now knock prone or shove (10') anything that is animal intelligence up to the size of a bear in addition to also doing the usual damage on a successful melee hit. Subsequently re-rolling this result gives you the same advantage against creatures of any intelligence, then a +2 to damage vs animal-intelligence foes, then vs people.
• 76-78: You are yet more metal than before. You do triple damage on a crit. Re-roll this: you do quadruple, etc.
• 79: You hate heads. If you roll a natural 20 against something with a head in melee and its level/HD is equal to or less than yours, it does not have a head anymore. Re-rolling this means you can do it against things your level or one higher, then 2 higher, etc.
• 80-82: Enhanced Frazetta armor. You may add your charisma bonus and strength bonus to your AC when not wearing armor. If you have no charisma bonus or strength bonus then you are a fucking putz of a barbarian but treat this roll as if you just upped your charisma by one. Re-rolling this means your charisma goes up by one.
• 83-84: There's nothing wrong with them that you can't fix with your hands... You do d6+str damage unarmed. You go up one die each time you re-roll this.
• 85-86: Nelson is your middle name...On a successful hit you can hold anything whose strength and dexterity are both less than your strength for an extra round automatically before it starts to get checks to escape. You get another round each time you re-roll this.
• 87-88: You are deeply used to being haunted by the ghosts of the fallen. You are immune to fear from any kind of undead and are +1 to save vs any kind of spooky undead special power by any kind of ethereal dead. +2 more each time you re-roll this.
• 89: Bah! It is nothing. You have 2 points of damage resistance to any kind of energy that is like the weather condition typical of the harsh environment in which you were spawned--like if you're from the desert, then heat does -2 to you, if you're from the arctic wastes, cold does -2 to you, if you come from a seagoing culture, then you take -2 from water damage.
• 90: Heedless charge. On the first round of any combat (and only on the first round) you may gamble any number of your hit points on an attack. If you hit--you do that much damage, if you miss, you take that much damage (a miss indicates your foe was able to set up to receive your charge). You must be in the first rank of combatants (i.e. nobody gets to soften them up or test them before you pick how much you're gambling.) Each time you re-roll this you get +1 damage to the attack.
• 91-92: You're so sick of dealing with these decadent merchants you've started to DIY it. You can make your own weapons given a week and 25% of the usual cost of this merchandise. Each time you roll this (including the first time) you've had enough free time and luck to custom-craft one for your hand and fighting style, allowing you a +1 to hit and damage with that weapon.
• 93-94: These people have no clue what's out there. Your scars, tattoos and monstrous speech speak of exotic lands and distant adventure to the gullible folk of civilized lands. +2 to lie about where you've been or what you've seen to any of these so-called "sophisticates"--they'll believe anything. +2 more each time you re-roll this.
• 95-96: The spirits of earth and air know your name--and are beginning to wish they did not. +1 vs any cleric or druid spell, +2 if you have personally slain a cleric of that faith. +1 more each time you re-roll this.
• 97-98: There is a reason this axe is this big. On a successful hit you may distribute the damage rolled between any two targets within reach so long as they have an equal or lesser armor class to the one you just hit. Every time you re-roll this you get one more target up to a maximum of 5.

So, looking at 99 and 00, this is... apparently a thing with him:

• 99: Re-roll on the ranger table.
• 00: Re-roll on the fighter table.

Oh, I guess there's this bit too:

* or roll on this table I stole from JOESKY's barbarian

YOU GET A FOLLOWER, ROLL ON THIS TABLE 1D12:

• 1-3 NERD: HE IS THE OPPOSITE IN MANY WAYS OF YOU, AND HE TALKS LIKE A [EDITED] AND HIS SHITS ALL RETARDED, BUT HE IS OKAY FOR NOW
• 4 – 6 SEXY CHICK: MAYBE GOOD WITH A BOW OR SOMETHING, CAREFUL THE HOT ONES ARETRICKERS!
• 7-9 LOSE CANNON WIZARD: ALWAYS DRUNK 75% OF TIME
• 10-12 ORNERY CRITTER: GOOD IN A FIGHT BUT EATS ALLOT AND WILL PEE ON YOU TO COMIC AFFECT

I guess, conceptually, I don't hate the idea of classes done this way. It's kind of like a combat Loremaster with more interesting choices (and, um, no choice). It's just really... jarring, on first look, and probably a nightmare to balance, though I somehow doubt Zak worries too much about balance past "eh, looks fine to me."

[hogarth]

I guess, conceptually, I don't hate the idea of classes done this way. It's kind of like a combat Loremaster with more interesting choices (and, um, no choice). It's just really... jarring, on first look, and probably a nightmare to balance, though I somehow doubt Zak worries too much about balance past "eh, looks fine to me."

In 3E, the idea of a level 8 barbarian with +1 or +2 BAB is stupid.

[Prak]

Well, it's weighted to give a +1 to hit or all saves close to half the time, with +1 to hit popping up about 33% of the time, so the 8th level barbarian is fairly likely to have a +3 BAB, +1 to all saves above whatever normal saves are for the system, plus one or two "abilities." It's interesting, but I agree, it'd be better with a basic BAB, Base Saves, Skill Points, HD backbone.

[Avoraciopoctules]

89: Bah! It is nothing. You have 2 points of damage resistance to any kind of energy that is like the weather condition typical of the harsh environment in which you were spawned--like if you're from the desert, then heat does -2 to you, if you're from the arctic wastes, cold does -2 to you, if you come from a seagoing culture, then you take -2 from water damage.

"Okay, so I come from the plane of Acheron, where typical weather includes rains of arrows and gigantic storms of flying steel slivers. I thus have damage resistance to the kinetic energy of being attacked with physical objects."

[K]

I can't respect anyone who thinks that random class features is either satisfying or workable for an RPG that's expected to last more than a single session.

[OgreBattle]

It sounds fun for generating one-shot games. "I am a.... (rolling) bear killing barbarian who eats the heart of bears!"

At a glance I thought it was something to stick to AD&D, where you don't have feats in the first place. Random charts make me think of AD&D and RIFTS.

[K]

It sounds fun for generating one-shot games. "I am a.... (rolling) bear killing barbarian who eats the heart of bears!"

At a glance I thought it was something to stick to AD&D, where you don't have feats in the first place. Random charts make me think of AD&D and RIFTS.

One-shots seem to run counter to all of the strengths of an RPG.

I wonder why people don't just play DnD-like boardgames instead.

[Prak]

It is really just another case of people having personal tastes based on "Well this was fun!" rather than "this is well written and balanced." It's like how two of the most fun long running games I've been in were RIFTS and WoD, terrible as the systems are. There a lot of people out there who don't really care about a balanced game as long as everyone has fun, and I get the feeling that Zak's gaming group is full of them. Given how many of them are attractive adult entertainment workers, I could probably enjoy myself in that group regardless of the game.

[K]

There a lot of people out there who don't really care about a balanced game as long as everyone has fun, and I get the feeling that Zak's gaming group is full of them. Given how many of them are attractive adult entertainment workers, I could probably enjoy myself in that group regardless of the game.

The weird thing is that they need a well-balanced game more than other people. Their fun gets boned by a bad system more often because they don't have the system mastery to avoid it.

Honestly, I was a little sad when I watched Sasha Grey get discouraged and confused when she tried out the trap options on her character sheet and got punished by the bad system and sub-par DMing. She visibly disengaged from the game and never really regained her initial enthusiasm.

The only real lesson one can learn from Zak's group is that rules really need to be simple enough for slightly drunk adult performers to understand and reasonably pruned of trap options, two things that he seems to deliberately try to make worse.

That being said, everyone likes zaniness like the kind found in Rifts or other bad systems. That's not unique to his group at all (I too played a lot of zany games like TMNT or Rifts, and a lot it was mad-lib adventuring with choices like "were-weasel strike forces").

[Prak]

Oh, certainly. Like I said, conceptually I like this kind of class structure, it's just a Loremaster with options you give a shit about, even if just because there's flavour there.

And a bit of randomness isn't necessarily a bad thing, when the randomness is "which of these awesome options do I get." When it's "do I get the shitty power that will never matter, or the fucking cool power I can make matter all the damned time," it's dumb and frustrating.

I think if I were going to do something like this, each class would have no more than twenty options, and you would roll on it at character creation, and after significant periods of downtime. Basically it would grant horizontal power through fluff abilities like "That which is not dead can be smashed by my axe: You spent some time smashing skulls that had died and risen from the grave. You can Smite undead a number of times per day equal to strength modifier (before rage bonuses)" for barbarian. Basically Backgrounds from Tome, but maybe a bit more powerful, randomized, and you get several throughout the course of a campaign.

[Red_Rob]

Zak had a diatribe in a recent thread I read arguing that ad-hoc "rulings" were superior to rules because the DM could tailor them to his groups preferred style of play, or something along those lines. I think he also stated he runs an "old school" 1e mashup with various house rules.

It basically highlighted to me that because none of Zak's players know the rules they just accept whatever he tells them to roll for when they have to do anything anyway, so why not just make that shit up at the table? Which is an argument I suppose, but not one that seems conducive to good design.

[Fuchs]

It basically highlighted to me that because none of Zak's players know the rules they just accept whatever he tells them to roll for when they have to do anything anyway, so why not just make that shit up at the table? Which is an argument I suppose, but not one that seems conducive to good design.

It works for one shots, if the GM makes sure every player has fun and gets time to shine. That way DM bullshit modifiers can balance out trap options in character design, or bad rules. As long as no one asks why the tumble-monkey with +20 to tumble had a DC30 check to swing down from a chandelier, and the priest with +0 to tumble had a DC 10 check to knife-glide down a curtain.

For some groups it works for one-shots.

[Username17]

I find it interesting that all the people who with great fanfare announced that they were going to have special input into the design and playtest of D&DNext have devolved into throwing their hands up in the air and insisting that you don't even need a coherent system in the first place. I suspect this involves them at some level understanding that the thing they are nominally contributing to is a bloated piece of non-functional vaporware.

-Username17

[fectin]

"Varient on the Classic Class" suggested to me that it was for very old school dnd. At that point, most of the fun is basically competitive drunken storytelling, so this probably works fine.

[hogarth]

"Varient on the Classic Class" suggested to me that it was for very old school dnd.

Sort of, although it uses a bunch of 3E-ish terms like "damage resistance", "charisma bonus" and "equal or lesser armor class".