The Gaming Den

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

A Mountie pulled a car over on the Trans Canada about 2 miles west of Winnipeg. When the Mountie asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Brandon to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and he didn't want to be late.

The Mountie told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the
driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the Mountie that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The Mountie told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol
car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Mountie got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the
patrol car. A drunk, good old boy, driving through from Alberta got out and watched the performance briefly. He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.
The Mountie observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car,
opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "You might as well take me to jail, cause there's no
fuckin` way I can pass that test."

Ontario Transportation Safety Board Announcement

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the Canadian auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in four-wheel drive pickup trucks and SUV's in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find that in most of the towns the recorded last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were: "Oh,Shit !"
However, in someplaces like Halifax, Prospect road, Sudbury, Lively, Coniston, Garson
Onaping, Chelmsford, Dowling, Levack, Cache Bay, Verner, Field, River Valley there were different results. In these areas 89.3 percent of the final words were:
"Hold my beer, I'm gonna try somethin."
---

MEN DO REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES:

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye.
"What's the matter, dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?"
"Do you remember 20 years ago when you were only 16 and your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, sitting down beside him.
"And do you remember when he got his shotgun and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to jail for 20 years'?"
"I remember that too" she replied softly. He wiped away the tears again and said, "I would have gotten out today."

watching the sun rise sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big
under his arm.

He yells out. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire."
Old man says, "Whatcha gonna do with that?"
Boy says, "Catch some chickens."
Old man yells, "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens
with that."
That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the
old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with
about 30 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun
rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind a round in his
hand.
Old man yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy yells back, "Roll of duck tape."
Old man yells says, "Whatcha gonna do with that?"
Boy says, "Catch me some ducks."
Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks
with duck tape."
Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around
sunset the boy walks by
coming home, and to the old man's amazement he is trailing
behind him thisunrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in
it.
Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by
carrying what looks a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.
Old man says "Hey boy whatcha got there?"
Boy says, "Pussy willows."
Old man says, "I'll get my hat."

What do you call an Arab flying an airplane?

The PILOT, you racist fuck!

Reserved for the one about the man and the little piano.

Maxus wrote:Reserved for the one about the man and the little piano.

CatharzGodfoot wrote:

Maxus wrote:Reserved for the one about the man and the little piano.

Sigh. Dammit, CG, did you just have to do that?

i tried translating some of the croatian jokes into english and they fail to be funny then. damn.

Tell them anyway. I love hearing jokes from other places. Even the Canadian ones that ckafrica told I have never heard before.

Did you hear about the paranoid dyslexic?





He was convinced he was following everyone around.

A teacher once came home to find a letter from her husband:

"Sorry, but let's face it, you're 60 and not getting any younger. I'm sleeping with my 18 year old secretary, back in the morning."

When he did return, he found a letter left by her:

"That's okay, but you're 60 as well, you know. I'm sleeping with my 18 year old student, and won't be back until tomorrow morning - as a math teacher yourself, you should know that 18 goes into 60 more than 60 goes into 18."

This from my Chemistry teacher. Classy lady.

Koumei wrote:A teacher once came home to find a letter from her husband:

"Sorry, but let's face it, you're 60 and not getting any younger. I'm sleeping with my 18 year old secretary, back in the morning."

When he did return, he found a letter left by her:

"That's okay, but you're 60 as well, you know. I'm sleeping with my 18 year old student, and won't be back until tomorrow morning - as a math teacher yourself, you should know that 18 goes into 60 more than 60 goes into 18."

This from my Chemistry teacher. Classy lady.

Ah, Highschool...
But why does a math teacher have a secretary?

Read it again? The teacher is sleeping with her student, the husband is of an unnamed profession.

Whoops, good point there. Her note did call him a Math teacher.

I'd fix it but I can't be stuffed doing so.

Perhaps it would be better as professors. It would explain both the secretary and the society where 18 year olds are fucking 60 year olds for anything other than money.

Are you guys ready for the two worst puns in the history of the universe?

Q: Why shouldn't pigs get sick?

A: Because they have to be killed before they can be cured!

Q: When is an opera singer not an opera singer?

A: When they are a little hoarse.

ckafrica wrote:Perhaps it would be better as professors. It would explain both the secretary and the society where 18 year olds are fucking 60 year olds for anything other than money.

Despite xcvd's desperate attempts to convince us otherwise, there's no way this joke would work for a math professor, because everyone knows that just declaring your major as math causes a forcefield to form around your lower trunk, preventing any human flesh aside from your own from ever making contact with it. Forever.

I dunno, I had a very milfy math teacher that I totally would have nailed last semester if given the chance.

Lago PARANOIA wrote:Despite xcvd's desperate attempts to convince us otherwise, there's no way this joke would work for a math professor, because everyone knows that just declaring your major as math causes a forcefield to form around your lower trunk, preventing any human flesh aside from your own from ever making contact with it. Forever.

Do you mean xkcd.com? And that's false: math professors do plenty of inbreeding, actually.

An old NRI (non-resident-indian) joke

A lady arrived at the Madras airport after spending 36 hours in transit.

She was fully exhausted after such a long trip with her 6 young kids.

Collecting many suitcases, the family entered the cramped customs area.

A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief, "Ma'am," he said, "do all these children and this luggage belong to you?"

"Yes, sir," the lady said with a sigh. "They're all mine."

The customs agent began his interrogation "Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?"

"Sir," she calmly answered, "if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now."

Hey Lago, when is a door not a door?

When it's ajar.


Also I hate you now.

The Mother Superior of the local convent was severely constipated. She didn't want to take any drugs, but she heard that elderberry wine loosens things up a bit downstairs.

So, she asked one of the sisters to go to town and get her a bottle of elderberry wine. The sister was shocked, "Mother Superior, why are you asking for wine!?" the Mother Superior replied "It's for medicinal purposes, don't worry."

So, the nun went to the town wine store, and asked the clerk for a bottle of elderberry wine. "Sister, are you sure you want this?" asked the clerk. "It's for medicinal purposes" replied the nun. So, she bought the wine, and stepped out of the store.

However, the nun was curious. She had never had wine other than communion wine, and wanted to know what it tasted like. "The Mother Superior will never know", she told herself.

So, she took a sip, which lead to another, and before you know it the nun had drunk the entire bottle of wine and was roaring drunk on the steps of the wine store.

The clerk ran out and said "Sister, what is the meaning of this!?"

"You shee, the Mother Shuperior ish conshtipated", replied the nun. "And when she shees me, she'sh gonna SHIT!"