The Gaming Den

(they see me trollin, they hatin)

Okay, we laughed at them. Now it's time for some new ones! Bonus points for both making them useful AND making fun of the "lol Xbox Live" aspect.

With Friends Like These (Achievement)
Requirement: knock at least three allies unconscious (or dead) with an area effect spell while targeting enemies. These can all be by the one spell, or you can hit the same guy thrice in a row or whatever.
Benefit: All of your damaging Area spells are Enlarged as long as you include at least one ally in the area of effect, even if they are immune to the effects.

Nobody Expects the Inquisition! (Achievement)
Requirement: Catch at least 5 groups of enemies by surprise (that is, gain a surprise round on them before combat begins).
Benefit: Whenever you catch enemies by surprise, they are all Dazed for the first round of combat.

Bisectual (Achievement)
Requirement: Kill at least ten enemies with a slashing weapon that takes them from positive HP to -10 in one blow. If you have Cleave, Great Cleave or other multiple-attack abilities, you can indeed qualify for this in just one violent round.
Benefit: Whenever you wield a slashing weapon, it deals an additional amount of damage equal to double your BAB.

Roy Has Boobies (Achievement)
Requirement: Drop at least 5 enemies in one action by using Great Cleave.
Benefit: Whenever you utilise Great Cleave, you may immediately cast Fascinate as a Swift action, on the nearest enemy within 100 feet, and with a save DC equal to your attack roll and Caster Level equal to your BAB. They are fascinated by your Great Cleavage.

Salvatore's Bane (Achievement)
Requirement: Drow, remain Chaotic Evil
Benefit: Any attack you make against a Good Drow (or their animal companion) automatically confirms if it is a critical threat.

Go Go Gadget (Achievement)
Requirement: Own at least 5 Masterwork tools for different tasks
Benefit: You can produce your Masterwork tools from your pack as a free action, and gain an addition +2 bonus to use them, because screw the RNG!

Bandaid Boy (Achievement)
Requirement: Spend three encounters doing nothing but healing (includes Remove Curse, Remove Disease, Neutralise Poison and Vigour as well as regular HP restoration, even includes applying potions and salves.)
Benefit: Any time you spend a standard or full round action to heal someone, you may also spend a Swift action to provide another healing effect you have available.

Shut Up and Roll my Loot (Achievement)
Requirement: Successfully kill a DMPC
Benefit: The DMPC may never return in any fashion. Also, you get all of that character's loot.

Consider Rehab (Achievement)
Requirement: Consume at least one potion per day. If ever you go a day without consuming at least one potion, you lose the benefits of this feat until you go 5 days of consuming potions daily.
Benefit: Any time you consume a potion, you gain immunity to nonlethal damage and pain effects for one minute.

ZA WARUDO! (Achievement)
Requirement: Cast Timestop at least ten times.
Benefit: You may cast Cloud of Knives at will during Timestop. The spells take effect and are resolved as soon as the Timestop finishes.

This Was a Triumph (Achievement)
Requirement: Complete a long, difficult mission/quest/adventure (with at least twenty level-appropriate encounters, one large map worth of exploration, five traps and a final boss) for a meagre reward.
Benefit: You receive a delicious cake. Also you can Dimension Door at will.

Old Skool Thinking (Achievement)
Requirement: Survive ten encounters with an Armour Class less than ten.
Benefit: Enemies have a 50% chance to miss you on all attacks.

Exterminatus (Achievement)
Requirement: Perform the Locate City Nuke
Benefit: You suffer no repercussions for performing this tactic, and additionally, any structures in the area of effect are destroyed if they have a Hardness less than 20.

Conan the Librarian (Achievement)
Requirement: Barbarian, Literacy, highest Intelligence in the party
Benefit: You gain Literacy in all languages, even bullshit obscure ones, and gain an ability identical to Bardic Lore.

Killsteal (Achievement)
Requirement: Kill at least ten foes via a Coup de Grace when another party member put them in the position for you to kill.
Benefit: Whenever a foe is rendered helpless and is adjacent to you, you may perform a Coup de Grace as an immediate action.

Brilliant, Koumei. Just one thing - what's with the Roy critique?

That's an Order of the Stick reference.

"Great Cleave! Great Cleave! Great Cle... what's so funny guys?"
"Hehe, gee Roy, I never knew you had such... Great Cleavage!"
*laughter*
"Are you guys done?"
"Okay okay... *snigger* Roy has boobies"

Thank you. Just, thank you.

SCIENCE! [Achievement]
Requirement: Negate an adventure using physics, chemistry, biology, or some other aspect of the game world that doesn't revolve around statistics on a Character or Monster sheet.
Benefit: You can bodge together a device from an assortment of odds and ends you keep on you. You may produce the effects of a spell that a Wizard of a level two lower than you (minimum of level 1) may cast (highest of Int Mod or 1)/day. You always prepared these devices "earlier". Description of the contravince is mandatory.
Maybe four levels lower?

Your opponent is me! [Achievement]
Requirement: Attack a flying monster with a sword.
Benefit: You receive bulky magical devices that allow you to cast Fly 3/day at a Caster Level two lower than your Character Level. Alas, leg coverings interfere with the attachment of the devices to your legs, and spinning blades on the devices tear dresses, skirts, and kilts to shreds.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

K is for Keynesian [Achievement]
Requirement: Destroy the economy of a city by dumping adventuring loot.
Benefit: You can sell any item at the normal prices despite the prevailing economic conditions of whatever location you find yourself in. You must be able to find someone to purchase your loot.
May not be beneficial if you keep doing it. People tend to get annoyed.

Why won't you listen to me? [Achievement]
Requirement: Persuade a BBEG to switch teams.
Benefit: Rushed Diplomacy checks do not apply the normal penalty during physical combat (and only then). Your Diplomacy checks do not suffer any penalties for being involved in immediate physical combat with the target.
It makes Rushed Diplomacy during combat more reasonable. But, really, making the broken skill more applicable is, perhaps, too good. Then, again, how many D&D groups use diplomacy at all?

I'm Sorry [Achievement]
Requirement: Kill a member of your party whilst under the effects of a mind-affecting condition (such as a spell), or any other compulsion (like a frenzy or berserk state).
Benefit: If you are not normally allowed a save to resist an order or compulsion that harm members of your party, you are allowed a Will save against a DC set by your DM to resist. Otherwise, you get a +2 bonus to such saves.
Eheh.

Koumei wrote: Conan the Librarian (Achievement)
Requirement: Barbarian, Literacy, highest Intelligence in the party
Benefit: You gain Literacy in all languages, even bullshit obscure ones, and gain an ability identical to Bardic Lore.

My favorite Reading Rainbow moment ever.

I think you're missing the point of Achievement Feats. The point is that keeping track of when they are available is incredibly convoluted, is basically up to the DM anyway, and provides a bonus against enemies which almost by definition will never see play again because they to even get the feat the enemies in question have to have been over used. So it should be something like:

If Could Fall Off It Has Fallen Off [Achievement]
Your body has been streamlined of all soluble portions, and no longer is subject to rotting such that anyone can tell the difference.
Requirement: Must have contracted mummy rot in at least 8 separate encounters.
Benefit: Reduce all Constitution Damage from mummy rot by 2.

There. That is an Achievement feat. To even qualify you have to have fought mummies so many times that you're sick of it and probably won't see another ever again. That you're still alive means that you probably have access to remove disease so you don't even really give a fuck if you do come down with Mummy Rot, and the benefits of the feat aren't even enough to keep you from having to fall back on whatever it was that you used to do to survive mummy rotting.

Annoying to figure out whether you qualify for it, only available in games by DM fiat, useless even in context, and a living embodiment of the gambler's fallacy (we fought X like a gajillion times already, the next
dungeon must be full of X as well...). Anything that's actually useful or based in some way on voluntary player actions is totally inappropriate for these achievements.

-Username17

Oh, there's a really bad one...

Healer’s Touch [Achievement]
The magic of life flows through your body like a river.
Requirement: Cure a cumulative total of 1,000 points of damage for other creatures using healing spells. Dealing damage slows progress toward this goal achievement; for every 1 point of damage you deal to another creature, reduce your cumulative healing total by 2.
Benefit: When you cast a healing spell to heal a target other than yourself, the spell is maximized as though using the Maximize Spell effect. This does not increase your casting time for the spell. When you cast a healing spell to damage a target, the spell is not maximized but its saving throw DC increases by +4.
Note: There may be an opposite version of this feat allowing casters using negative energy to heal undead.

Here's some Fail. Or Win, depending on your point of view.

Ping! [Achievement]
Get this mother fucking Damage Reduction off my mother fucking opponent! - Samuel L. Beatstick.
Requirement: Have a total of 1,000 damage blocked by enemy damage reduction. Any type will do, as long as it is something your attacks do not bypass.
Benefit: Any DR on the opponent is treated as either half value or 5 points lower, whichever value yields a lower total. This only applies against your attacks.

Roy wrote:Here's some Fail. Or Win, depending on your point of view.

Ping! [Achievement]
Get this mother fucking Damage Reduction off my mother fucking opponent! - Samuel L. Beatstick.
Requirement: Have a total of 1,000 damage blocked by enemy damage reduction. Any type will do, as long as it is something your attacks do not bypass.
Benefit: Any DR on the opponent is treated as either half value or 5 points lower, whichever value yields a lower total. This only applies against your attacks.

Heh. Just rub it in the barbarian's face that her DR is useless by doing two extra points of damage.

CatharzGodfoot wrote:

Roy wrote:Here's some Fail. Or Win, depending on your point of view.

Ping! [Achievement]
Get this mother fucking Damage Reduction off my mother fucking opponent! - Samuel L. Beatstick.
Requirement: Have a total of 1,000 damage blocked by enemy damage reduction. Any type will do, as long as it is something your attacks do not bypass.
Benefit: Any DR on the opponent is treated as either half value or 5 points lower, whichever value yields a lower total. This only applies against your attacks.

Heh. Just rub it in the barbarian's face that her DR is useless by doing two extra points of damage.

I know. Isn't it awesome?

Probability Shrobability [Achievement]

Requirement: You must avoid rolling either a 1 or a 20 for twenty consecutive d20 rolls.

Benefit: A 1 on a d20 roll counts as a 20. This does not include automatically hitting or threatening a critical hit, it is simply 20+modifiers as your result.

Frank: I wanted to show them up by making them better. But all right then, if the game is now "Make it like theirs in every stupid detail", I ACCEPT! IT'S TIME TO D-D-D-D-DUEL!

Old ones remade:

With Friends Like These (Achievement)
You are a colossal dick when it comes to area spells. Frankly you should be ashamed.
Requirement: Deal at least 1,000 damage total to your allies by including them in area of effect spells while targeting enemies.
Benefit: Your area of effect spells deal 5 less damage to your allies and they gain a +2 bonus on saving throws against them.

Bisectual (Achievement)
Everyone needs a hobby. Some people like to collect stamps. You like to slice people in two.
Requirement: Reduce twenty enemies from full health to -10 (or 0 for those that are destroyed at 0) in a single hit each from a slashing weapon.
Benefit: Whenever you wield a slashing weapon, it deals +4 damage. Whenever you one-shot someone with a slashing weapon, you may make a Demoralise attempt at the nearest enemy as a free action.

Salvatore's Bane (Achievement)
You are a traditionalist, trying to rid the world of Drizzt clones.
Requirement: Drow, remain Chaotic Evil, kill 20 Good or Neutral Drow
Benefit: Any attack you make against a Good Drow (or their animal companion) deals +1d6 damage. Additionally, you gain a +3 bonus to demoralise them.

Consider Rehab (Achievement)
You are a potion addict. Bonus points if you're also a crippled healer-Cleric with a werewolf nemesis.
Requirement: Consume 100 caster levels worth of potions.
Benefit: Any time you consume a potion, the level-dependent effects of it are increased by +1.

Old Skool Thinking (Achievement)
You think you're adventuring in the olden times, when some numbers were better when lower.
Requirement: Survive ten encounters with an Armour Class less than ten.
Benefit: Your Armour Class improves by +1. Also, you may ignore one requirement for Seeker of the Lost Traditions or whatever that AD&D PrCl is called.

New ones!

Pirate Captain
You are a master of fighting your eternal nemesis: ninjas
Requirements: Kill twenty ninjas
Benefit: You gain a +2 bonus on Spot checks, and deal +3 damage against ninjas. You also gain DR 3/- against ninjas.
*Ninjas include anyone with levels in Ninja, Ninja, Ninja, Ninja Spy or Crescent Moon Ninja. Or anyone with sneak attack who wears black and uses shuriken, nunchucks or a kusarigama. Or anyone with the Ninja Warlord feat.

Ninja Warlord
You have trained in the secret arts of slaying pirates.
Requirements: Kill twenty pirates
Benefit: You gain a +2 bonus on Hide checks, and deal +3 damage against pirates. You also gain DR 3/- against pirates.
*Pirates include anyone with levels in Swashbuckler, Buccaneer, Dread Pirate or any martial PrCl from It's Wet Outside. Or anyone who ever yells "YARR!" or has an eyepatch and/or wooden leg, or owns a ship and wields pistols and/or swords. Or anyone with the Pirate Captain feat.

In it for the Bitches!
You've been around the place more times than I want to hear about. As such, you've gained a resistance to certain... things...
Requirements: Be level-drained by 10 or more Succubi/Incubi.
Benefits: Level loss from Succubi/Incubi is never permanent for you. Also you gain a +3 bonus on Will saves against their Suggestions.

Dragon Slayer
"Little girl, little breasts, scares a dragon from it's nest!"
Requirements: Slay one Adult (or older) Dragon of each type: Green, Blue, Black, Red, White. Alternatively, Gold, Silver, Copper, Brass, Bronze. Or even Sapphire, Emerald, Topaz, Amethyst, Crystal.
Benefits: You gain Energy Resistance 5 against all Dragon Breath Weapons, even bullshit kinds that don't have Energy Resistance.

I-I'm not doing this b-because you said so. I just h-happened to have them, so I'm posting them. A-Alright?

I'm Sorry [Achievement]
Requirement: Be mind controlled into killing 6 members of your party.
Benefit: +2 to Will saves against mind-affecting spells.
Your GM is a dick if he actually makes you qualify for this feat, so he'll stop mind controlling you and switch to someone else instead, if the bonus actually made a difference. He could even stop. You've also killed 6 party members. Bonus points if this gets taken by a paladin.

Your Opponent is Me! [Achievement]
Requirement: Make 24 attacks against flying monsters larger than yourself, with a katana.
Benefit: +2 bonus to any attempt to taunt flying monsters that are larger than you.
Sure, fliers are a regular feature of D&D combat, but how many people actually use taunt?

Why Won't You Listen To Me?! [Achievement]
Requirement: Persuade 2 BBEGs and at least 5 of their direct minions to join your side and face the man behind the man.
Benefit: +2 bonus to rushed Diplomacy tests during combat against BBEGs and direct minions.
Rushed Diplomacy still takes the -10 penalty, so you're still at -8. Good luck with that.

Pshaw, we need more feats that you need to die for, like the Fire Resistance one.

Reoccurring Character
For some reason, you are still in the party. Perhaps is it comedic in nature?
Requirement Die or reach below 0 hit points for 5 sessions consecutively.
Benefit The cost for the Resurrection spell is reduced to 1/2 of it's normal cost for you.

Now I have the same image like I had with the Fire Resistance feat in my head, where someone is on Death Session #4 sitting at the table saying "If I die again this session, I can get the Dies Lots feat!"

SunTzuWarmaster wrote:Pshaw, we need more feats that you need to die for, like the Fire Resistance one.

Reoccurring Character
For some reason, you are still in the party. Perhaps is it comedic in nature?
Requirement Die or reach below 0 hit points for 5 sessions consecutively.
Benefit The cost for the Resurrection spell is reduced to 1/2 of it's normal cost for you.

Now I have the same image like I had with the Fire Resistance feat in my head, where someone is on Death Session #4 sitting at the table saying "If I die again this session, I can get the Dies Lots feat!"

Idiot: That feat will be perfect for my Mo(n/o)k!

I think Reoccurring Character needs a better name. How about something like "They Killed Kenny!"

Absentminded_Wizard wrote:I think Reoccurring Character needs a better name. How about something like "They Killed Kenny!"

WIN!

Coward:
Your cowardice helps you survive
Prerequisite: Retreat and escape from 200 battles against an EL no lower than your level-2.
Benefit: You gain +10 feet to your speed in any round where you do not move toward any enemies. You gain a DR X/-, where X is equal to one-fiftieth of your total number of times retreated from battle (as per the feat's prerequisites) against attacks of opportunity incurred from movement, provided you end your movement further from your enemies than you began it. You also gain this damage reduction while running.

Smite Imbecile:
Idiot. Fail.
Prerequisite: Successfully attack at least one thousand enemies with lower Intelligence than you. Attacking enemies smarter than yourself hampers your progress, for every 2 attacks you make against a foe with greater Intelligence than yourself deduct one kill.
Benefit: You gain +1 to attacks against those less intelligent than yourself. Any successful attack against such a creature does +1d4 extra damage. This comes at a price, for if you attack a creature smarter than you these bonuses become penalties.

Because the Paizils can even ruin Crusader of Logic class features if given half a chance.

I think these feats are suffering from stupidity creep.

Given that Frank challenged Koumei to be as stupid as Paizo, that might count as a success.

Bane to Kobolds
You are renowned as a slayer of Kobolds, and your name strikes fear into their hearts.
Prerequisites: Slay at least 493 Kobolds
Benefits: You gain a +4 bonus to weapon and unarmed damage rolls against kobolds and dragons smaller than you.

Ooze Obliterator
Your talent for fighting oozes is legendary
Prerequisites: Slay at least 100 Oozes. The last digit of the number of Oozes you have slain must be the same as the first.
Benefits: Your weapons (including natural weapons and unarmed strikes) gain a +1 enhancement bonus to hit and damage against Oozes. Additionally, while taking the Total Defense action, you are immune to ability damage caused by Oozes, including object Oozes such as green slime. You cannot be immune to the same Ooze on two consecutive rounds. Ability damage caused before you take total defense still applies, and oozes that come into contact with you while you are defending might still have their effects later if you are still in contact with them.
Special: You do not lose the benefits of this feat if, after you take it, you slay additional oozes causing your kill count to no longer meet the prerequisites.

Smite Imbecile, is the easiest to abuse by just saying that you are going hunting and start killing the local wild life.

Ooze Obliterator is cool and useless at the same time.

Where did this come from? IE, who is/are "they?"