The Gaming Den

So, I just played what has to be the worst session ever in the worst campaign I've ever been a part of. Just a heads-up, this delves into immature NC-17 territory, but I'll try to keep it as clean as possible. I'll start with chargen. D&D 3.5e.

I rolled 1d2 for gender: female.
I then rolled 1d8 for race: dwarf.
I then rolled 1d12 for class: wizard.

Cool, female dwarf wizard. +2 to Con is neat, wizards can use that. OK. now I roll for measurements. I think, alright, height and wei--

1d4 for cup size. I roll a 3 and get a C cup.
3 sets of 2d20 for my 'measurements'. My character ends up as an 8C/25/40 female dwarf wizard. What the fuck? I'm a goddamn pine tree. This is bullshit. At least I didn't have to roll for anal circumference.

OK, now for some crunch: ability scores. This is unique, so it's worth noting. I roll 3d20, take highest, seven times over, and drop the lowest score. I then assign the six numbers to any abilities I want. I ended up with a 13/19/16/20/16/13 before racial modifiers, and dropped a 9. Pocketing a max roll with a wizard is always a good thing.

Now for skills. First off, for every level I get (I was jumping in at level 4), I get to roll 1d6, and add it to any skill I want. I can only adjust any such skill once ever, so I can't just pile it all onto Diplomacy and win the game forever. So, yeah.

Here's the absolutely horrible part: new skills unique to the campaign. First off, you can never invest any skill ranks in these skills, nor can you adjust them with the aforementioned 1d6 roll. You, instead, gain a bonus to these skills equal to your 'size' modifier. In my case, since my character has a C cup, her size modifier is 7. The three skills and their key ability modifiers are as follows:

• Knowledge (sexual) (Int)
  Ride Other (Con)
  Seduction (Cha)

Ride Other and Seduction both saw use before session end. So, our characters are introduced, and we climb aboard a ship for reasons which aren't relevant. We run into a pack of 4 hippogriffs, who we take care of with some effort. One of them was pacified, and our ranger began to tame it for domestication. That takes six weeks, though, but that isn't much of a problem.

We arrive two days later at a port town, and have to go find some information. A couple of our members were decent at Gather Information, so they rolled that. I, however, having a +0 Cha modifier (and, by proxy, a +0 Gather Information modifier), was told instead to look around by rolling a Seduction check. I found someone, and rolled another Seduction check to land him in bed, at which point I rolled Ride Other. I got the information, thankfully.

Oh. Ride Other has other uses.

DM: She did something that made me snort out soda.
Me: ...Did you roll a Ride Other check on it?
Other player: No, but I'm going to.

She was serious. That made me feel dirty just knowing she did that. I mean, what the fuck. It added a tangible benefit, too: it reduced training time for the hippogriff by a week.

I... I want to forget this ever happened. This never happened. Right. We played our normal game today, which is better in nearly every way to this one.

Holy shit. That's ridiculous. Is every player in the game a virgin?

ubernoob wrote:Holy shit. That's ridiculous. Is every player in the game a virgin?

No. I know at least one person at the table's had sex, and I think everyone but me has.

Zeezy wrote:

ubernoob wrote:Holy shit. That's ridiculous. Is every player in the game a virgin?

No. I know at least one person at the table's had sex, and I think everyone but me has.

How old are the people in your group? Because from what it sounds like, it's a bunch of 12 year old virgins circle jerking. My group managed to have a fucking Pirates* themed session without getting this juvenile.
*NSFW.

Of course, there's only one player in my group that we think might be a virgin and that's because she has issues out the ass.

Edit: Not judging you. Mostly the DM. I'm really incredulous that people like this exist, mostly.

ubernoob wrote:How old are the people in your group? Because from what it sounds like, it's a bunch of 12 year old virgins circle jerking.

I'm 23. Oldest guy's 28 or 29, I forget which. I think only one other person's older than me, and we're all at least 20, as far as I believe. I didn't catch the age of the DM, though, but she has to be at least 16 because she has a job. I'd go as far as to say 19 or 20.

Have you noticed that things labeled "adult" are usually incredibly childish?

Zeezy wrote:

ubernoob wrote:How old are the people in your group? Because from what it sounds like, it's a bunch of 12 year old virgins circle jerking.

I'm 23. Oldest guy's 28 or 29, I forget which. I think only one other person's older than me, and we're all at least 20, as far as I believe. I didn't catch the age of the DM, though, but she has to be at least 16 because she has a job. I'd go as far as to say 19 or 20.

I guess the lesson here is not to roleplay sex with people you haven't watched porn with. Or something like that...

CatharzGodfoot wrote:Have you noticed that things labeled "adult" are usually incredibly childish?

Yes, but I was hoping beyond hope, and waiting for our ever-tardy DM to show for the usual campaign that runs. He did show, but ended up making a character for this campaign because he didn't want to interrupt it. That, and he wanted an excuse to attend the midnight showing of The Last Airbender.

Zeezy wrote:1d4 for cup size. I roll a 3 and get a C cup.

This is the exact moment that you should have quit the game and stopped playing with these people.

Zeezy wrote:I didn't catch the age of the DM, though, but she has to be at least 16 because she has a job. I'd go as far as to say 19 or 20.

Based on your description of the game, she sounds like a manipulative attention whore to me. Avoid.

Did anyone else notice the "ick" factor of the player demographics?

violence in the media wrote:Did anyone else notice the "ick" factor of the player demographics?

Yes. Very much so.

How could this escape notice?

Ganbare Gincun wrote:

Zeezy wrote:1d4 for cup size. I roll a 3 and get a C cup.

This is the exact moment that you should have quit the game and stopped playing with these people.

That, I could stomach. I should've got up and left when I heard the new skills.

Ganbare Gincun wrote:Based on your description of the game, she sounds like a manipulative attention whore to me. Avoid.

Manipulative, probably. Attention whore, definitely.

violence in the media wrote:Did anyone else notice the "ick" factor of the player demographics?

Everyone but the DM I've been around for at least a year. The DM was introduced to me not even a month ago. Almost everything this woman says is an innuendo or an outright reference to sex -- no joke. The rest are all otherwise decent folk.

Send her here. She'll fit right in.

...

Well, more likely the other way around, but still.

Nothing like a good game of FATAL d20.

see, I was actually rolling with it all, in a subjective "morality" kind of way until I got the part where a c cup makes a character better at sex...


That doesn't hold true at all, trust me.

Also if you're going to roll for measurements, there needs to be some kind of racial bases and ranges. 9c is iffy for even a halfling.

Honestly I think that games like this can be acceptable if the DM is skilled enough, and it doesn't make you too uncomfortable. If you're willing put put up with listening to 'Roll 1d20. Ok, both you and the unicorn are satisfied, and he agrees to use the powers of his magic horn to help the village', then if the rest of the game is engaging it can be worth sticking with. It the game really is just FATAL d20, then maybe not so much.

It's a lot like playing in a game where the DM gets overly descriptive of eviscerations and sliced tendons, or when there are overly RP'd romances, or when baby kobolds show up, or when people start getting raped. It can completely ruin the fun of the experience if it goes too far outside your comfort zone, and it's often a sign of immature gamers, but that doesn't mean that such games are always bad for everyone.

Honestly, this game seems to be more about comedy than anything else. That's the only explanation for rolling a character's various dimensions.

CatharzGodfoot wrote:Honestly, this game seems to be more about comedy than anything else. That's the only explanation for rolling a character's various dimensions.

That's the only logical explanation I can think of, but I wasn't really in the proper mindset to enjoy comedy when the joke's on me.

Now that I think about it, Ride Other on the hippogriff was actually pretty funny, but only because I've seen Clerks 2 and can put it in context.

Zeezy wrote:

CatharzGodfoot wrote:Honestly, this game seems to be more about comedy than anything else. That's the only explanation for rolling a character's various dimensions.

That's the only logical explanation I can think of, but I wasn't really in the proper mindset to enjoy comedy when the joke's on me.

My money is still on "crazy, manipulative attention whore".

Mine too.

Have you noticed that things labeled "adult" are usually incredibly childish

Yes.

Because, let's face it, nobody really wants to see entertainment about characters weathering the daily grind, toiling away at the behest of those they cannot respect until they watch the last of their time to chase their dreams slip away; and keeping at it day in and day out just so they can pay their mortgages and insurance premiums in order to be to productive members of a society they consider fundamentally flawed in ways they can barely even articulate and will never be able to change nor flee no matter what.

exactly, we all, or almost all, want sex and violence. They're the visual/experiential equivalent of sugar and salt.

The difference is that the majority of games don't advertise themselves as being adult or for mature audiences or anything. They're just "a game". And there may be regular face-stabbing and beer-quaffing and some jokes about boobs/the odd knob gag, etc. Set it in Asia and every NPC will be called Long Wang/Hung Lo/Wel Hung/Man Dong/Enormous Penis.

But most of the ones that specifically say "This is a mature game for mature audiences/adults" are actually... LESS mature than the above. They're gore-filled snuff fantasies, or even more childish in the sex jokes/"I fuck EVERYTHING" and so on.

true.

and my heart goes out to anyone who has friends that turn *Any and every* game into that... those are just dumb.

Zeezy wrote:That, and he wanted an excuse to attend the midnight showing of The Last Airbender.

This is by far the most chilling part of your terrifying tale.

Prak_Anima wrote:see, I was actually rolling with it all, in a subjective "morality" kind of way until I got the part where a c cup makes a character better at sex...


That doesn't hold true at all, trust me.

Also if you're going to roll for measurements, there needs to be some kind of racial bases and ranges. 9c is iffy for even a halfling.

I'm trying to wrap my head around someone with a 9" ribcage with a bust line of 15". It's making my brain hurt.

I also feel (ignoring for a second that rolling for bust size is silly) that 1d4 isn't really going to produce accurate results for such a thing. You would need a bell curve that produces mostly average results with occasional highs and lows.

(And as far as having a C cup making sex more awkward, I wouldn't know. Never sexed any woman with less than a C before. It's not like I dismiss women who are smaller as unworthy, it's just how it worked out.)