Interpersonal Game Wierdness
Posted: Fri Nov 27, 2015 3:19 pm
So I had a gaming group dissolve a while ago over interpersonal issues, and I'm still trying to wrap my brain around it.
It pretty much boils down to the DM (we'll call him Jeb) developing an unhealthy infatuation with a player (we'll call her Hilary) to the point where she no longer felt comfortable being in the game.
I've known Jeb for a few years now, and he's had relationships come and go throughout that time. His significant others have always played with us, but they never really seemed invested when they were at the table. Jeb always built their characters for them, and often took over their characters during the action-y parts of the game that required actual mechanics. I had assumed at the time that his SO's were interested and wanted to be included, but hadn't yet learned how to wrap their minds around the rules minutiae. In retrospect though, I realize that they were in a state of indentured D&D servitude...Jeb just wouldn't accept that they had no interest in playing.
The other thing about Jeb was that it didn't really seem to matter who was at the table or not; the campaign was the campaign and it chugged along regardless of who was behind the character sheets. The group had sort of a revolving door with life forcing some people to drop out and new people often cycling through. When I first joined, it was in the middle of a long running campaign where I learned that the entire initial cast of characters had cycled out and no one in the party had been there from the beginning. Imagine a band that slowly replaces one member after another until none of the original ensemble remained. There were times that only a couple people of the usual five or six could make the game, and he would just run the missing players characters himself.
So Hilary joined the game shortly after Jeb and his lady had called it quits. Hilary had been playing since Jr. High and was glad to find a group since she had moved to town and didn't really know anyone outside of work. She loved her some tabletop gaming. She even married a medieval historian and they had a renfaire style wedding. Jeb suggested that the husband join the game, but she informed us that despite his love of the dark ages and genre fiction, he wasn't really into table top games. I get that. You get that. However, this completely reformatted Jeb's fucking matrix.
After a time, Jeb became convinced that HE was the right person for Hilary, not her HUSBAND, based solely on their mutual love of tabletop games. He didn't say as much in the beginning, but when she wasn't around he would go on at length about how it was weird that they were together because they had nothing in common (I've hung out with Hilary and Bill; they have A LOT in common). Jeb started "courting" Hilary, with romantic overtures disguised as game stuff. At one point int he game, her character became separated from the group and he started running her portions one-on-one until she could be reunited with the rest of the group. It was during this time that he decided to go all in and make a pass at her, which I only heard about after the fact when she texted the rest of us and said she had to leave the group. She didn't specify a reason in the group text, but told me personally because by this time my wife and I became friends with Hilary and Bill.
Jeb didn't turn creepy stalker or anything, and no legal actions were necessary. Hilary simply let him down under no uncertain terms and removed herself from the group, and he didn't try and contact her after that. Still, that's a pretty egregious disregard of personal boundaries. The thing that strikes me is that Jeb is so completely enshrouded in his cocoon of all things D&D that he convinced himself to go after a married woman simply because her husband isn't a gamer. Jeb was similarly confused when my wife got into playing RPG's completely independent of me, because it was part of ladies night with her girlfriends. I left the group shortly after this along with another longtime member, mostly because this incident opened our eyes to the fact that Jeb doesn't really see D&D as a social outlet, but as an entity unto itself wherein the actual people sitting at the table are completely irrelevant.
It pretty much boils down to the DM (we'll call him Jeb) developing an unhealthy infatuation with a player (we'll call her Hilary) to the point where she no longer felt comfortable being in the game.
I've known Jeb for a few years now, and he's had relationships come and go throughout that time. His significant others have always played with us, but they never really seemed invested when they were at the table. Jeb always built their characters for them, and often took over their characters during the action-y parts of the game that required actual mechanics. I had assumed at the time that his SO's were interested and wanted to be included, but hadn't yet learned how to wrap their minds around the rules minutiae. In retrospect though, I realize that they were in a state of indentured D&D servitude...Jeb just wouldn't accept that they had no interest in playing.
The other thing about Jeb was that it didn't really seem to matter who was at the table or not; the campaign was the campaign and it chugged along regardless of who was behind the character sheets. The group had sort of a revolving door with life forcing some people to drop out and new people often cycling through. When I first joined, it was in the middle of a long running campaign where I learned that the entire initial cast of characters had cycled out and no one in the party had been there from the beginning. Imagine a band that slowly replaces one member after another until none of the original ensemble remained. There were times that only a couple people of the usual five or six could make the game, and he would just run the missing players characters himself.
So Hilary joined the game shortly after Jeb and his lady had called it quits. Hilary had been playing since Jr. High and was glad to find a group since she had moved to town and didn't really know anyone outside of work. She loved her some tabletop gaming. She even married a medieval historian and they had a renfaire style wedding. Jeb suggested that the husband join the game, but she informed us that despite his love of the dark ages and genre fiction, he wasn't really into table top games. I get that. You get that. However, this completely reformatted Jeb's fucking matrix.
After a time, Jeb became convinced that HE was the right person for Hilary, not her HUSBAND, based solely on their mutual love of tabletop games. He didn't say as much in the beginning, but when she wasn't around he would go on at length about how it was weird that they were together because they had nothing in common (I've hung out with Hilary and Bill; they have A LOT in common). Jeb started "courting" Hilary, with romantic overtures disguised as game stuff. At one point int he game, her character became separated from the group and he started running her portions one-on-one until she could be reunited with the rest of the group. It was during this time that he decided to go all in and make a pass at her, which I only heard about after the fact when she texted the rest of us and said she had to leave the group. She didn't specify a reason in the group text, but told me personally because by this time my wife and I became friends with Hilary and Bill.
Jeb didn't turn creepy stalker or anything, and no legal actions were necessary. Hilary simply let him down under no uncertain terms and removed herself from the group, and he didn't try and contact her after that. Still, that's a pretty egregious disregard of personal boundaries. The thing that strikes me is that Jeb is so completely enshrouded in his cocoon of all things D&D that he convinced himself to go after a married woman simply because her husband isn't a gamer. Jeb was similarly confused when my wife got into playing RPG's completely independent of me, because it was part of ladies night with her girlfriends. I left the group shortly after this along with another longtime member, mostly because this incident opened our eyes to the fact that Jeb doesn't really see D&D as a social outlet, but as an entity unto itself wherein the actual people sitting at the table are completely irrelevant.