A Bunch of Orphaned Magic Items That Nobody Asked For
Posted: Mon Apr 15, 2019 10:59 pm
From a Bunch of Unused Campaign Settings Loosely Tied Together and Never Seen by Anyone!
As the title and subtitle suggest, I have a bunch of this crap. I don't have any illusions anymore of ever completing my vague and ever-changing RPG/campaign setting thingy, but every so often when I have a quiet few minutes of lucidity I work on these magic items as a writing exercise.
I let Prak have a bunch of them for a campaign, but otherwise these are sitting in the metaphorical woodshed. My inclination is to just release them for free here, but I wanted to share some examples to see if you guys might have any suggestions on what to do with them. Free PDF on drivebyrpg? Start a twitter account and share one every day? Or just forget it because $CHINATOWN?
Examples to follow, but I should mention I used classic D&D stuff, random generator output, and Dark Souls items as seeds for coming up with these, though the fluff comes from various campaign worlds of my own with the occasional real world reference. (Iggy Pop? Why?) My goal for the tone of these was as if Gabriel Garcia Marquez was in charge of writing Bloodborne item descriptions.
Barrow Cake: (magical crafting materiel)
Pumpkin Nephew: (construct)
Chaindust Sphere: (missile weapon)
Goodfish's Bonegush Drink: (strength potion)
Perfected Foundation Chakra: (stability ring)
As the title and subtitle suggest, I have a bunch of this crap. I don't have any illusions anymore of ever completing my vague and ever-changing RPG/campaign setting thingy, but every so often when I have a quiet few minutes of lucidity I work on these magic items as a writing exercise.
I let Prak have a bunch of them for a campaign, but otherwise these are sitting in the metaphorical woodshed. My inclination is to just release them for free here, but I wanted to share some examples to see if you guys might have any suggestions on what to do with them. Free PDF on drivebyrpg? Start a twitter account and share one every day? Or just forget it because $CHINATOWN?
Examples to follow, but I should mention I used classic D&D stuff, random generator output, and Dark Souls items as seeds for coming up with these, though the fluff comes from various campaign worlds of my own with the occasional real world reference. (Iggy Pop? Why?) My goal for the tone of these was as if Gabriel Garcia Marquez was in charge of writing Bloodborne item descriptions.
Barrow Cake: (magical crafting materiel)
Found in many ancient tombs, these are petrified slices of celebratory cake from some ancient celebration. Barrow Cake is commonly used as in the construction of larger structures, as a decorative lintel or arch keystone when the builder wishes to make a statement about their traditional values or conspicuous wealth. While not “impossible” to eat a slice of Barrow Cake, it is highly difficult and generally inadvisable.
This curious thing is as might be guessed, a large orange pumpkin, but with a child-sized body dressed in leather shorts and suspenders, and occasionally a smart hat with a pheasant feather. A pumpkin nephew will bond to its owner and accepts even unspoken commands, which it fulfills to the best of its ability. The nephews are generally used as sentries and factotums, as they are able to find people and locations instinctively. Occasional variants such as Gourd Uncles and Courgette Nieces are seen and used in slightly different capacities. The blank face of the Nephew is of course incapable of communication, but terrifying stories are told of wizards carving jack-o-lanterns out of Nephews. The resulting carnage can only be imagined.
A fist-sized orb of an unkown and terrifically heavy metal, the purpose of this device remains unknown. Upon activation, links of chain emerge from both poles and begin whipping about violently, at first creating a cloud of dust but then with enough force to flay skin and destroy wood and stone. A particularly sophisticated user might be able to program a delay of up to a minute on the sphere, but most users must rely upon luck and precise timing.
Once, the field of patent medicine became so crowded a thousand mountebanks each hawked a product identical to his competitors, and all bore testimonials describing them as “the ultimate,” “only you will ever need,” “exceeding in purity and efficacy,” and bearing the most cloyingly sweet appellations to boot. As in any business a backlash against this vogue emerged, and products became lauded for their foul tastes and disgusting ingredients, and the most popular were the ones who bore such counter-intuitive names such as Internal Cactus, Toilet, and 1000 Nuns and Orphans (Eaten by Rats). The Bonegush Drink is one such, and despite its slightly sickening name is a simple remedy for muscle weakness, with some common ingredients tinctured in neutral spirits. Imbibed by the healthy, of course, it grants preternatural strength for a short time.
These tiny cloth scraps are cut from flags sacred to the mountain people, once those holy pennants become too wind-blown and faded. Imprinted with a dense tangle of sacred designs, if the Chakra cloth is held against one’s spine during a lengthy meditation, it will adhere there, balancing the wearer’s energies and causing them to be as stable and unmovable as a stone statue. This does not of course prevent any injuries directly, but even the most cloistered monk would agree that ‘not being knocked over in combat’ is one important factor in living along and healthy life.