I know what triggering means now

[Cielingcat]

I just saw a depiction of trans woman being murdered. It was on a webcomic about the life of trans college student and her friends, and even if not many of the things that happened to her have happened to me, I can still remember feeling every emotion she's described.

It was the most horrific thing I've ever seen.

I'm not sure how long I've been crying before I started to write this. I'm still crying now and I don't feel like I can ever stop. Every time I start to feel better I remember the image of her being killed and it starts over again. Writing this is making me forget. Focusing on typing is making me think of the words I'm writing instead of what I saw.

It wasn't even that it showed her being killed. I can't even write about what it looked like, but it wasn't that. It was just the things they called her. The same things my family calls me. And after they do they tell me they're sorry and they didn't really mean it, but that they can never think of me as who I am because I can never be who I am and I can only ever be who they tell me I am.

I thought about all the people who try to help me, and how I push them away. I thought about how I feel like no one loves me or cares about me, because every time someone tries to I rebuke them and tell them it's pointless and I'm pointless and there's nothing I can do. I tell them that I'm worse than all the other people who have gotten through worse and that I'm just too pathetic to ever do anything successfully.

I thought about how much I hate myself even when I tell myself I don't. I thought about how much I hate how I look even when I try to compliment myself.

I don't even remember what else I thought about. I remember trying to make coffee because I wanted coffee and I thought it would make me feel better. I remember coughing until I almost threw up. I thought about how everywhere I go people make fun of me or people like me, which is the same because it all applies to me too even when I try to tell myself it doesn't.

I thought about how I make fun of myself and make jokes to try to make myself feel better about everything. I realize I didn't even know I was doing that when I did it, but I know it now.

I thought about some other things but I can't remember them. I thought about how my mom told me that women always wipe away tears. I don't know if that's true. I don't think that could be true. I don't think anyone could manage that.

I think she was just trying to hurt me.

I think she tries to do that a lot. They all do. Because they want to feel better about things, and they don't really realize they're hurting me.

I've tried telling them that they are, but they don't care.

I think about many times people say things to hurt people, but they don't realize what they're doing. Because they don't think they're hurting people, they just think they're provoking a reaction so they can laugh at it.

I don't think people ever realize how much the things they say hurt people.

I think about how scared I am that something will happen to me, that I'll end up like the girl in the comic. I thought about how many times I've wished I was dead and I thought about how I never wanted to be dead, just that I didn't want to be alive anymore so I wouldn't have to live through all this.

I'm thinking about how I talked to my friend about my chances of being murdered because of who I am and he brushed it off as something that wouldn't happen. I didn't realize what that meant when I said it.

I still don't realize what it meant. But I don't want to. I don't want to die, and I don't want to feel miserable anymore.

I don't know what else to write. I forget half the things I thought about. I'm still crying. I don't know if I can stop crying. I don't even remember the last time I cried. I don't think I've cried since I stopped going to Dr. Chernikof. I forget how to spell her name. I looked it up in my phone. It's Chernikov. I don't know if she'd even remember me if I saw her again. I hope she wouldn't, because I keep praying that one day I'll wake up and no one will ever be able to see who I was before anymore.

I don't think that'll ever happen. Even years from now people will still recognize me because I'll still be me and I'll never be anyone else, and I can't tell if that's good or bad.

I don't know if what I say to myself about having actually identified as male when I was younger is true. I think it is, but I don't know. I don't remember how I felt when I was a kid. I don't remember how I thought, or why I thought things. I don't remember if I was disgusted with my body or not. I don't think I was. I don't know if I thought of it as mine. I don't think I did, but I can't remember.

I remember trying to fit in in high school and doing a great job of it. I remember having lots of friends and being horrible to those friends. I don't remember if I said things that people would find hurtful. I probably did.

I remember breaking down because it didn't make me happy.

I know that I'm happier now than I've ever been in my life, and I don't even know how to feel happy. I don't remember anything other than misery. Every other emotion was something I put on to see if I could stop feeling miserable.

I remember before I dropped out of college that two or three men called me out on being a dude dressed like a chick. I acted indignant then and I felt offended. I can't forget that because it hurt.

I remember meeting Allie and how she introduced me to all these wonderful people who seemed to genuinely care about me. I remember being too lazy to keep in contact with them. I feel like a terrible person because of it. I wish I could go back to them. I miss them. But I don't know if I can.

They'd probably accept me if I did. But I don't know if I can do that.

I remember being angry at my best friend because he tried to help me. I don't know if he's my friend anymore. I'm scared to talk to him.

I think about how I'm scared to be attracted to women because if I let on that I am people will ask me why I bothered to transition. Why I couldn't just be a straight guy.

I don't know how much of my like for men is because I genuinely like them or if I just think I'm supposed to because that's what girls do. I don't know how much of anything I do is because I want to do it or because I think I'm supposed to.

I almost lost an online friend because I started getting enmeshed in WoW PvP culture, and it affected the way I acted and she noticed. I didn't, but I was scared that I would. I don't want to lose friends. I'm tired of throwing friends away.

Sometimes I've felt like the only thing that kept me from killing myself was the thought that if I did, none of my online friends would ever know. I'd just disappear, and no one would know what happened.

I never thought of what it would do to them to find out. Or what it would do to my other friends. Or my family.

I think my family would take it the easiest. They had to deal with losing me once, but now they're pretending it never happened.

I never had to deal with any sort of abuse until I came back from college. No one close to me ever hurt me, or touched me, or insulted me. The only people who did any of that were school bullies.

I wonder how they would have felt if I had been trans then. I wonder what happened to them since middle school, or high school, or elementary school.

My family insults me now. My mom least of all, but she still does. My sister invites me to things, they laughs at me behind my back when I ask her to try to treat me how I want to be treated.

She doesn't know I heard her laughing.

I can't even write down what my dad called me once. It's not a bad word. It's an insulting word, but it's not a common slur. But it hurt.

I didn't realize how much it hurt until I saw someone else get called it.

I don't think I've really cried in a year. People say estrogen makes you feel emotions more. I don't know if that's true. I don't know if I've been bottling up my emotions, or if I just didn't know how to feel them, or what they felt like.

I think the only one I know is sadness.

I think, most of all, that I miss my dog. I feel like everything would be okay if he was still here. If I could just hug him one more time and feel like he was telling me everything was okay, just by laying there and letting me hug him.

I don't even remember when he died. I don't think I'll ever get over it.

I don't know if I'll ever get over any of this.

I don't know why I'm writing this. I don't think I feel better for having done it. Maybe I am. I stopped crying for now. I don't know how long that will last.

I hope it lasts another 2 years. I don't want to feel like this again, even if I have to trade away feeling everything else.

I started crying again because I remembered what happened to make me feel this way. Even though nothing happened. Even though it was just a drawing.

I keep reading things and learning what I'm supposed to find offensive. But I don't find it offensive. I don't think I find anything offensive.

I don't know if there's such a thing as offensive. All I know is that things hurt.

I don't know if I can keep on reading the comic that triggered all this. I want to, but I don't think I can. It seems too real to me.

I wrote this here because I like it here. It's not a safe space, there isn't anyone who can share how I feel about myself, but I like it here and I like some of the people here. And I want to feel like maybe someone here can care about me if they can read what I'm feeling.

I don't know if that's selfish. I think it might be.

CVS just called me to remind me about refilling the medicines I don't take anymore. The woman asked me if my old name was there, and I couldn't even say anything. She assumed I was someone else answering my phone. I don't know if I can sound feminine while crying. I don't care.

For a moment I thought maybe I'm not so pathetic at this trans thing after all. But as soon as I thought that I thought about how pathetic I am at everything else.

Even if I can look attractive to other people, I don't think I'll ever feel anything but pathetic. Because there's always going to be something I can't do, and if I fail at even one thing it will brand my entire existence as a failure.

I wish I could go back to before I remember having feelings other than escapism I miss being a kid, even if I know I wasn't even able to think of my own body as anything other then a featureless person in loose black clothes. I don't think I could even conceptualize my face for a long time. I don't know how long.

I don't know how long I've been writing this. I think I've been crying for at least an hour and a half now.

I don't think I feel better, but it's a lot harder to keep crying after all this time.

I hope no one minds me sharing this.

[angelfromanotherpin]

Share anytime. Better out than in.

[CatharzGodfoot]

In my experience, people who you think will hate you because you haven't contacted them in forever are usually (usually) happy to hear from you. Often they've been worried about exactly the same thing.

Also, if you can afford it then you should see a good psychiatrist. It sounds like you have pretty severe depression.

[Cielingcat]

I do have severe depression. I've had severe depression as long as I can remember; one of my earliest memories is holding a steak knife to my throat and wanting to kill myself.

I was 10.

Sometimes I wish I had gone through with it.

I'm scared to go to a psychiatrist though. Every one save one I've gone to has been nice and respectful, but my parents keep talking about wanting to "get me help" which is code for "cure me."

I'm kind of scared it might work, even though I know it won't.

[CatharzGodfoot]

I do have severe depression. I've had severe depression as long as I can remember; one of my earliest memories is holding a steak knife to my throat and wanting to kill myself.

I was 10.

Sometimes I wish I had gone through with it.

I'm scared to go to a psychiatrist though. Every one save one I've gone to has been nice and respectful, but my parents keep talking about wanting to "get me help" which is code for "cure me."

I'm kind of scared it might work, even though I know it won't.

You're an adult. Your parent have no right to know or ability to control what goes on between you and a doctor. Period.

If you don't try to do something about being depressed, you're not going to stop second-guessing and hating yourself until you come out of the depression naturally. I know from experience that it can be a very long wait.

If you're actually worried about undue influence on your psyche from a malevolent shrink, just do it for the drugs. A month's supply of antidepressants is $4 at target, provided you have a prescription. Drugs can be a crutch, but sometimes you need crutches if you're going to get out of bed.

[Calibron]

I know what it's like to be utterly betrayed and hurt by family, abandoned by every human being and institution that you could think to turn to. I know what it's like to suffer from severe depression. I know what it's like to spend a whole day doing nothing but sitting in an easy chair and crying while the TV plays a marathon of Steven King's Kingdom Hospital. I miss my dog too.

After my father was killed, I lost everything that I counted on and recognized about my life over the course of two years. Suffered more than I realized was possible and still be able to recover. Even though I found myself on the brink a few times I never quite gave up. Be stubborn, don't give up; it'll keep you alive.

But one thing I've learned is that wounds scar over and stop bleeding. The scars aren't as good as healthy flesh, but they still hold you together. When the bleeding stops you can focus on improving yourself, learning how to be happy again. Renew old friendships that you've been afraid to renew, things are almost never as bad as you fear. Do something that makes you happy, if you have skill that you like to practice, then do so; exalt in it, you'll feel better for a little while at least. Don't be afraid to cry and rage and purge feelings that you need to get rid of. If you're lucky enough to have a friend that's willing to listen and has suffered similarly then take advantage of that; I thought I was utterly alone for a long time and it was an indescribable relief to find that it wasn't quite true. I also know something of what it's like to strongly want a clean break from your past; I legally changed my name. Not nearly as big a change as you're going through, but it was very symbolically important; I was the last male in my family of my generation with the surname Peters, I was essentially killing off the family line and starting a new one when I made this decision.

Don't worry too much about who you are and are not attracted to. Sexuality isn't a binary, and besides it's probably best to focus on yourself for now. Also, don't worry about being selfish, everyone is strongly motivated by self-interest; it's just a matter of not losing sight of other people's importance or inherent worth.

If your family are worthwhile people at all then relationships will mend. Things will never be the same, but that doesn't mean they won't be good.

[mean_liar]

I'm scared to go to a psychiatrist though. Every one save one I've gone to has been nice and respectful, but my parents keep talking about wanting to "get me help" which is code for "cure me."

I'm kind of scared it might work, even though I know it won't.

Cure you of what? The only thing you need curing from is your depression.

Please, get help. For what it's worth, you have a few internet strangers you can call on here with squishy hearts who like helping other people. Do you need help finding a service or counselor?

[Jacob_Orlove]

Even if I can look attractive to other people, I don't think I'll ever feel anything but pathetic. Because there's always going to be something I can't do, and if I fail at even one thing it will brand my entire existence as a failure.

No one in the history of the entire world has ever, ever, ever succeeded at everything they have ever done. Failure is not just inevitable, it's normal.

I'm not going to convince you of that in a few sentences though, so I echo the recommendation to get help. My advice would be to shop around. If you're in any kind of decently sized city, there will be anywhere from dozens to hundreds of therapists. Call them, talk to them, set up single appointments with the ones that sound promising, keep looking until you find one that's right for you. Remember, these people are trained professionals, working for *you*. If we can help you at all (even if just by listening), then they can help so much more.

Depression is absolutely real (as you well know). If you broke an arm, you'd go see a doctor. If your depression is just as crippling, then please, see a psychiatrist.

[Maj]

The same things my family calls me. And after they do they tell me they're sorry and they didn't really mean it, but...

I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. But...

As a woman who's been there, I know that this right here is straight out of the abuser's handbook. I also know that it takes a lot of strength - and more importantly, help - to climb out of the tomb of derision, revilement, and guilt that the words of the people closest to you build. There should never be a "but" after I'm sorry. If there is, it's just an excuse for the person's insincerity.

Find help and get out.

[Maxus]

Damn...

I hate it for you...Here's my advice.

-Hang in there. The human psychology is inclined to reset after a while. You may not be happy...but you'll level out for a while.

-If you need to vent, do it. Do it regularly. Hell, do it here. As much as a pain it is to do it, working through your feelings and saying what's on your mind does leave you feeling a little better. Catharsis does work.

-I hate it that you read something so traumatic for you. I really, really do. Something like that happened to me a long time ago. Sometimes it twists in my stomach thinking about it, still.

-Go see a psychiatrist for the depression and nothing else. If they try to 'cure' you, you don't have to take it. BUT. Listen to them about depression. Hell, look up one who's specifically for that. If they prescribe meds, take them. Trust in the expertise of someone who has it when you don't. Like, really, start looking now.

-Hang in there.

[ubernoob]

Note: Not all psychiatrists are good psychiatrists.

True story time...

Almost exactly a month ago I had my first true suicidal thought. Not just "What would happen if I killed myself" but instead "Maybe suicide will give me the warm embrace of death."

Now, I'd already scheduled a meeting with a psychiatrist for the end of that week. I crashed with an ex for two days so that I wouldn't be able to hurt myself while I was by myself. Anyways, I walk in at the deepest I've ever been in my depression (having been in and out of episodes for the past year) and the psychiatrist basically takes one look at me and says "Drug addict, bipolar disorder" even though I walked in saying "Hey, I have a very strong family history of ADD and depression and had suicidal thoughts earlier this week. Due to my access to the drug culture I know that prozac and adderall work to treat those."

MOTHER FUCKER

Next two sessions, the actual psychiatrist won't even see me because he's decided to take off for the day or whatever. I don't get to see the same person repeatedly until my fourth visit (psychiatrist, nurse, different nurse, psychiatrist again). He immediately starts into his fucking bipolar obsession and won't take a word out of my mouth as good simply because I have tried some drugs TO TREAT MY MOTHER FUCKING DEPRESSION BECAUSE I HAD NO OTHER WAY TO COPE.

Anyways, I have to get my mother in there to state again that I have absolutely no fucking symptoms of bipolar disorder and he should try and actually treat the real issue. We get "Well, we'll see when the testing comes back" when I'd only actually gotten the psychological testing done the day before. Mother fucker wouldn't give me any prozac or anti-depressants at all just because I actually knew they work and wouldn't play games with my health.

So yeah, some "doctors" will let their egos get in the way of actually giving a shit about their patients.

But seriously, fuck that guy.

And Cielingcat, you're on TGD. There's not a much better place to vent if you really need it. We've all been there (if not quite as long).

[Crissa]

...Assuming the drugs that work for you are older generics, and not one of the newer ones like Cymbalta.

Anyhow, angel...pin is right. Better out than in. It took me years to be this tolerable ^-^

-Crissa

[IGTN]

I don't really know what to say here. I'm going to second what Jacob said about failing. What matters is that you get up afterwards when you can.

Also, isolation is bad for you. I think you get this already, from what you wrote, but I figured I'd echo it to you. If your depression is keeping you from holding on to friends, that's a problem. If there's good help available to you, take it.

Vent as needed.

[Josh_Kablack]

I'm not sure how long I've been crying before I started to write this. I'm still crying now and I don't feel like I can ever stop. Every time I start to feel better I remember the image of her being killed and it starts over again. Writing this is making me forget. Focusing on typing is making me think of the words I'm writing instead of what I saw.

Then keep writing.

[Judging__Eagle]

Trust me Ceiling, I don't mind, and I doubt anyone here does mind.

Seriously, thanks for sharing. You've a lot of courage to get it all out like that. I know that I can't, but if anything, you set a good example.

[Cielingcat]

I don't really know what to say, other than thank you.

So thank you. I went to sleep and I feel better now.

I think when he wakes up I'll try to talk to my friend again.


I'm really scared now. I lashed out at my dad about how he treats me and he threatened me and told me to watch my mouth. I am actually scared for my physical safety now.

[Josh_Kablack]

As much as I encourage you to keep writing and try to work through matters on your own...I'm thinking that you might just need more support than game geeks over the internet can give.

If you are local to Pittsburgh, PA, please contact me via PM or email and I can put you in contact with some people and resources that may help. Heck, if that's too serious for you, I can hook you up with some other transgendered geeks to play D&D.

But if you are from anywhere else in the world, I strongly suggest that you find a transgender support group in your area. A quick google search turns up this site

http://www.gendertalk.com/info/resource/support.shtml

and their local support group finder

http://tgforum.com/resourcesearch.php

( caution: the domain for the local group has expired, so you may have to look further )

Seriously,

I am actually scared for my physical safety now.

Is the sort of thing that can be grounds for a restraining order or PFA injunction, and that's an area where police and legal help can be invaluable.

[Jacob_Orlove]

I am actually scared for my physical safety now.

Consider a restraining order. Seriously, that's what they're *for*. Laws will vary from state to state, though. If you're in California, check with your local Family Law Facilitator's office--they can either help you directly or point you in the right direction (and if by some crazy coincidence you're in Yolo County, you can ask for me specifically). If you're in some other state, there are usually still organizations that help protect people against (threats of) domestic violence.

[Cielingcat]

I'm local to Philadelphia, PA, and I have a lot of resources I can use to help me with trans-related issues. I don't usually make use of them, because I don't really feel I need to. I did when I was coming out and figuring things out, but I don't think I do now.

I don't usually have many doubts about my gender identity at times when I'm not being relentlessly and aggressively told that I am not who I am. I have doubts and fears about my sexual identity that stem from my gender identity, I have fears about my gender identity, but when I'm not feeling extremely vulnerable my latent doubts are subsumed under my knowledge of who I am.

Although I would welcome being led to trans people who play D&D, as I really want to play D&D again. My Dark Heresy group includes another trans woman, but she is currently interested in playing Dark Heresy (as are our other friends), and therefore I'm locked into playing Dark Heresy.

(In case Dave reads this, I'm not saying I don't want to play Dark Heresy. I might actually be feeling that, but my intention was to say that I also want to play D&D.)


I want to mention something else because I feel talking about it might help me. I am relentlessly, aggressively, and abusively attacked on the basis of my gender by my family.

First off is my mom. Her abuse is less blatant, as she doesn't out and out yell "you are a freak" at me. Instead, she tells me that "women don't do that" whenever I do something she doesn't approve of; my voice, for example, sounds like a "gay man's voice", as do my vocal mannerisms. My physical actions are labeled the same way, as the province of gay men.

If I was feeling generous I would say that this reflects a deep confusion in our society about the idea that trans women are just closeted gay men. But I'm not feeling generous, because I know the truth-the reason she says these things is to make me stop doing them. She knows that I will be hurt if she says that I'm acting like a man, and so she makes sure to say that whenever she wants to hurt me. She doesn't like how I talk, and so she says that I sound like a man-but she doesn't offer advice for me to sound more like a woman, because her intention is to make me stop talking like that and talk "normal", and she thinks that if I think I sound like a gay man I'll become discourage and just talk like she thinks I should.

Next is my sister. My sister is a teenage girl, and more to the point, she is a very archetypal "popular" one. And so her favorite way to hurt me is derision. But she likes to use a very special form of it: she pretends to accept me, and then laughs at me behind my back. She also tells me that I should not "try to be a woman", or I shouldn't dress like one, because I can't pull it off, or whatever her current reasoning is. She tries to act like my friend, and then use that position as my friend to get me to change my behavior to ways she finds acceptable.

Then she laughs at me for trying to present as female.

I believed that she was my friend for a second, until I heard her laughing at me. I don't want her as my friend. She's not in a position of power over me, so I can usually avoid being rude or confrontational to her. I just don't want to have anything to do with her.

Last is my father. My father is the one I'm scared of. He's the one who yells at me in an extremely threatening way that I'm a freak who isn't a girl and can never be a girl, and that I should give up. He's the one who screams that I'm childish and stupid, and that presenting as female is making me stupid. He's the one who orders me to shut up, shut my mouth, and "behave" while his friends are here.

He's the one who I'm scared is going to hurt me.

When he's feeling less violent, he prefers insulting me by declaring I'm insane, mentally unbalanced, in need of help, or that I should be thrown in an asylum. To be fair, my mother says the same things. But my father also likes to mock me by saying how he's going to "show the world how crazy [trans people] are" by becoming a dog. Sometimes, when he's feeling generous, he says that a very small percentage of people can be "really trans", but that the majority of people who identify as such are just crazy (and should probably have dangerous and harmful surgeries performed on them to fix it. I've heard electro-shock therapy suggested). Naturally, I'm one of the crazy ones, because they haven't seen any "signs" that I'm really trans.

They read a couple books and stories about how some other trans women knew since they were five. And since I didn't, I can't really be trans. Never mind that I know right now that I am such-the only indicators they feel are important are the ones that I don't show, because that allows them to declare me a fake and insist that I should just be happy being a (straight) man.

They also like to say that I'm not any happier now that I'm transitioning than I was before I did. That certainly appears to be true, and if they employ selective memory, they can pretend everything was fine and dandy before I came out as trans.

Even if I don't have a job now, and even if I dropped out of college, I can say something with certainty: I am happier now than I have ever been in my life. I am still miserable and depressed, and I don't think I'm any less depressed, but at the same time I'm happier. My life is immeasurably harder, and my chances of personally being violently murdered are literally a thousand times higher, but I am happier having been able to pick the "transition" part of "transition or die."

Sometimes, I think they want me to kill myself. Other times I realize they just want to kill who I really am and force me to wear a shell of who they want me to be.

I've made it very clear to them that I would rather be dead than be forced to falsely live as a male any more. I don't know if they have chosen not to believe me, or if that's what they actually want.

I don't think I'll ever be able to get my family onto my side. After all the things they've said and done, and all the things they will probably do in the future, I really don't think I want them on my side.

But I would really appreciate if they would stop hurting me.

[Ganbare Gincun]

I'm local to Philadelphia, PA, and I have a lot of resources I can use to help me with trans-related issues. I don't usually make use of them, because I don't really feel I need to. I did when I was coming out and figuring things out, but I don't think I do now.

I'm not an expert on these matters by any means, but I think you should re-acquaint yourself with these resources and come to the terms that you may have to completely cut your abusive family members out of your life. If they spend all of their time verbally berating you, they don't support your lifestyle choices, and you fear that your father actually intends on causing you physical harm, you need 1) work on an escape plan and get the fuck out of there and 2) start associating yourself with healthy people that aren't going to judge and ridicule you. Share your problems with your "resources" and seek their council - they can probably point you in the right direction.

[Crissa]

Yeah. You totally need some space and more healthy people around you.

-Crissa

[Starmaker]

Disclaimer: what I'm going to say may come off as rude - that's because English is not my first language and I may not properly grasp the shades of meaning and connotations. I have no intention to offend you - in fact, I admire you as a person based on your posts (I'm a long-time lurker) and enjoy your design work.

Stop thinking about yourself as a trans person. You went through with the operation to change your sex - to be a woman. There are people who seriously wish to be rainbow-colored 156-breasted winged robo-pandas. Not to be seen as a hater or anything, but that's some weird self-identification. You're normal. Women are not freaks. 50% of all humans are women: you're now one, congratulations. Abracadabra, poof!

Okay, maybe not that easily. I can imagine what a nightmare it is to do the paperwork associated with a sex change. I did paperwork when I dropped out of the U and then when I got fired (twice) - what you went through must have been a hundred times worse. But you know what I lacked and you shouldn't? The sense of self-worth. Being a loser sucks. I could very well feel my inferiority and the weight of debts that had instantly caught up with me. You're a woman, and while I've no idea why anyone would want to become one*, this was your dream, you have realized it, so take pride in that! You're awesome!

*

There was a time when I wanted to go FTM - then I realized that marriage brings no benefits (in Russia), I'm not planning to work in the subway or infiltrate the Masons and I don't want to be part of any club or other organization that discriminates on the basis of gender whether it's my own gender being considered unworthy or not.

On hate. Don't worry - seriously. People get killed all the time, for all sorts of reasons. There's a hobo in the subway harassing people for beer money: I can get killed for not giving any, or for giving too little, or for giving a lot (so he and his associates suspect I have a lot more). There's a group of neo-nazis in my district who have a distinctly non-white person as a member. When a guy pointed it out, they said, "No, he's a good guy and therefore white, but you better not stick your Jewish nose in our business". Don't worry about providing psychos with a reason to hate you: they'll find one regardless. My sister is the nicest person I've ever met or heard about, and she's receiving actual death threats.

(Interlude) When I was in 9th grade, I've been given assigned memorizing the entirety of Hamlet's monologue as homework. That evening, we found out someone has scattered bomb threat notices in our apartment block, and most of the neighbors have left. I paced around the room and recited, "To be or not to be - that is the question..." True story. The worst that ever happened to our block was the plan to build a garage between the building and the river which is currently in progress and has reduced the value of the apartment by $1.5 million. But that occasion, and the TV diet of murder, terrorist attacks, evil sex and magic sex (I got Internet access when I was 20) made me fairly resistant to fear of death and romantic notions.

On family. That sick fetishization of ancestry and pregnancy has to end. Animals are genetically different and don't have much in the way of culture, humans are exactly the opposite. You don't have to personally give birth to have awesome kids, you don't have to have kids to make a positive contribution to the world and you don't have to make a positive contribution to feel good.

So your parents are not special because you have inherited some of their genes. You don't owe anything to them because of the fact. My mother hates me for upholding that opinion, but she hates me even more for the following. You don't owe anything to them because they brought you up, either.

See, there was that guy, and he took the subway train to the center, and his ex phoned him when the train was on the bridge crossing the river. This being 2004, the connection was lost as the train moved into the tunnel, so he left the train at the next station and phoned back. A minute later, the carriage he would have been riding if not for that call was blown up by a suicide bomber. Also true story. (I remember an article on "mature topics" that advised to be careful with the topic of rape because someone in the gaming group is likely to know someone who's been a victim. Well I don't, and no one I know in physical space does, and no one they know does, too. Terrorist attacks are another matter.)

That guy was incredibly grateful to his ex, they began dating again and entertained thoughts of marriage last time I saw them. "I owe her my life," the guy said. Does he? No. Why? Because it was an accident. And people's perceptions of other people are also purely accidental.

We never actually see other people as they are, not to mention as they've been or as they're going to be. Given that you care about what your parents think of you, they are likely to have had some sort of positive influence (I'm not saying overall positive) on your life. But that doesn't entitle them to anything. Ultimately, every person cares for themselves. What they think they did for you they did for themselves, keeping in mind some image of you that they constructed. No one will ever like the real you and do things for the real you because no one can actually perceive the real you.

So, parents getting on your nerves? Tell them to cut it out, or move. Former friends snickering behind your back? Time to get some new friends, you're an educated young woman, the whole world is open for you. People are united by common creative interests. You need company who are (1) not fucking retarded and (2) doing interesting stuff. The local transgendered support group is a logical place to start (probably - homophopic gays and patriarchal lesbians also exist), but it's not the end.

This thinking in 2d images / black box theory works for me. I know the word lesbian would provoke a negative reaction from my family, so I don't use it, but it doesn't prevent me from openly commenting on the hotness of women. I hate a certain fandom some of my friends follow, but I do not bring it up - whatever for? We're together because of other interests. Purely by chance I found out that my friend writes Harry Potter porn, so what? This does not affect our friendship in any way, it's not like she's making me read it. And of course I make a stupid shy smile and/or giggle like a schoolgirl when people at my job ask when I'm going to get married, because I like having a job.

People are mysteries, changing with time. Me not running around with a poster that says "I was in love with a movie character and I was bad at basic math and I used to consider AD&D 1e DMG to be the best book EVAR" is not a lie as long as it's irrelevant. People are allowed to form new and modify existing opinions, every single event creates a new personality. (Some are trying to fake changes when evidence of hypocrisy surfaces. You know how memories of childhood habits are often considered something shameful, even when they do not involve anyone wetting the bed? Children get free "respecs", but adults maintaining the veneer of conservativeness is a virtue, even though not changing is impossible).

In my experience, the most sane people with respect to gender issues are those who actually know LGBT people. The (heterosexual while male oriented) media paints gays as traps who entice heterosexual men into becoming gay by being attractive and lesbians as whores. I'm not saying you should be some sort of educational-promotional friendship poster girl: "Do you like me? (Yes.) Am I awesome? (Yes.) Fun fact - I'm transgendered, so be tolerant, kids!" But don't feel obliged to immediately say, "I used to be a guy, are you okay with that?" Now that would be sort of creepy.

On contact. I can't stress enough how maintaining contact with good people is important - interactive contact in particular. Try to reconnect with your lost friends, I dunno, invite them to a cafeteria or something. That'll be the one time to emphasize continuity instead of 2d imagery; you met a while ago, you shared some positive experiences, you fell out of contact but you're still friends. Okay, maybe some of them turn out to be douches - and nothing of value will be lost. It's a win-win, seriously.

Finding physical-space (I won't say real life because the Internet is very real, too) acquaintances is relatively easy. They have records and, often, an "official" online presence. Internet contacts, now these are harder to keep track of. I met two people in WoW who are currently my physical-space friends, but we do miss the fourth person who quit seven months ago. I wonder if he remembers us. I wonder if he thinks that no one remembers him. I wonder if anyone I forgot about is thinking about me just in this very moment. That's sort of depressing.

If you had stopped posting, we would have probably never found out the reason. But we would have missed your posts - I know I would, even though I mostly know you as "Cielingcat, that nice lady who wrote up the Shadow Warrior and the Spherelock". For example, I wonder when the_taken's pile of shiny will lose its novelty shininess and he'll find his way back to the forums.

So don't disappear. Don't give up. Your new life is going to be better than your old one, because you haven't actually lost anything and you're making your wish true. And thank you for sharing this.

[Draco_Argentum]

So your parents are not special because you have inherited some of their genes.

This contains perfect clarity.

[Cielingcat]

I don't actually want to stop identifying as trans. It's an important part of my identity and history. It's not as important as being a woman, but it's still important and I don't want to ever stop identifying as trans, even if only to provide an example to other trans people that "hey, I'm here, and I'm one of you, and you're not alone."

I'm a trans woman. I'm also a jewish woman, an atheist woman, a bisexual woman, a geek woman, a feminist woman, and a few other adjectives as well. But the important part is these are all adjectives; they describe a noun. Some of these adjectives might also function as nouns; I could identify myself as a transsexual, a jew, an atheist, a geek, or a feminist, but none of those things say anything about my gender (though transsexual says that I was assigned a different gender than the one I am).

I think the only noun that I can really say cannot be anything but a noun is "person." You could use "human" as well, since we don't know if intelligent, non-human life exists, and if it doesn't then human functions perfectly well as a synonym for person.

Also, the only operations I've ever had involved my toes and the removal of ingrown toenails from them. While I intend to eventually get certain surgeries done, they do not at this time include reconstruction of my genitals because that surgery is extremely expensive and, more importantly, a really major surgery and the prospect of such scares me.

I mean, I would love to have a vagina. If I could do it without major surgery I probably would, but since that is impossible at this time I will be perfectly content being a woman with a penis. Maybe one day that will change, but I don't know. If it does I will then be a woman with a vagina, and I will be happy to be so.

I've also not done any paperwork associated with transitioning. I can't afford to change my legal name, and I don't meet the government's qualifications for being legally considered female. I'll probably have a lot of difficulties when it comes to putting down my name and gender on job applications, because I intend to put down "Ella" and "F" because those describe who I am.

I currently describe my situation as "in transition." I don't really know when I'll stop being such, but I don't think that will coincide with surgeries. I think it's something I'll be in until I decide I'm not. It might coincide with when I get my hormone doses lowered from "transition levels" to whatever the term for non-transition levels is. That actually sounds like a good point to say that I've finished transitioning.


I don't really think anything has happened to make me now a woman when I wasn't one before. I started taking estrogen, but I don't think that did make me a woman. It certainly contributed, and along with spironolactone it is a major reason why I can now feel comfortable calling myself a woman.

I think the thing that makes me a woman is that I now feel comfortable calling myself such. I'm not really sure when that actually happened, but it did. As I progress in my transition I'll probably become more and more comfortable with that label, but the important part is that I've passed the point where I feel comfortable using that label at all.

[mean_liar]

This is another echo to find a way to put distance between yourself and your family. They sound horrible. Perhaps that can be mended or changed, but that's up to them and not you. Maybe it won't change - again, that's not up to you. The only thing you really have under your control is your immediate environment and the relationships that you surround yourself with. People are social and they need other people - find people that are good for you.