Death

[Sir Neil]

Oh Maj, I'm so sorry. Selina and I have drifted away since Nifty and we didn't know.

[Maj]

It was already on my list to prepare for death this year. Ess and I were planning on looking at life insurance, getting family pictures done, etc. So I will finish that work definitely. It will put my mind at ease.

I would encourage everyone here to do that, if you haven't. I knew the spirit of what Ess would have asked for, but not specifics. And I don't have the mental capability right now to plan a funeral. I'd rather have his Pirates of the Dinner Table stories published because they are badass. And they are a better reminder of him than a funeral would be. Not sure how to do that... Funerals aren't for the closest family members left behind, I don't think. They seem to be an expensive, expected obligation that helps the more distant say goodbye. And if there are those distant who want one, they are free to plan and execute it. I don't object; I just can't.

[hyzmarca]

It was already on my list to prepare for death this year. Ess and I were planning on looking at life insurance, getting family pictures done, etc. So I will finish that work definitely. It will put my mind at ease.

I would encourage everyone here to do that, if you haven't. I knew the spirit of what Ess would have asked for, but not specifics. And I don't have the mental capability right now to plan a funeral. I'd rather have his Pirates of the Dinner Table stories published because they are badass. And they are a better reminder of him than a funeral would be. Not sure how to do that... Funerals aren't for the closest family members left behind, I don't think. They seem to be an expensive, expected obligation that helps the more distant say goodbye. And if there are those distant who want one, they are free to plan and execute it. I don't object; I just can't.

When my father died, his instructions were to throw his body out of a car and leave it to rot on the roadside, because he didn't want us to spend a single cent on a funeral. This turns out to be illegal, so we opted for a pauper's burial. Basically, a simple burial in a cardboard box paid for by the government, burial took less than 10 minutes, it was very fast. The funeral home handled everything. We gave them the information, they called us back a couple of hours later with the burial time, and we had just enough time to drive to the cemetery to witness it. We were able to get a free tombstone from the VA, otherwise the burial wouldn't have included a marker.

[Orca]

I'm sorry to hear about his death. No special insights though. My condolences.

[deaddmwalking]

Funerals aren't for the closest family members left behind, I don't think. They seem to be an expensive, expected obligation that helps the more distant say goodbye. And if there are those distant who want one, they are free to plan and execute it. I don't object; I just can't.

Near where I live is a body farm. You can donate your entire corpse to forensic science (minus the parts that the organ donors might take). They might leave you buried in a shallow grave or lock you in the trunk of a car for a year or two - maybe even drop you in a lake. I have told my loved ones that is my preferred option. I'm not interested in leaving an obligation on others - even a physical location - but it's also not for me to truly say.

As the spouse, you have to decide what you think is most appropriate. I can promise you that if Ess were available to consult, he'd feel the same. I imagine he'd already feel bad about the loads that he won't be there to help carry; the last thing he'd want is to add more.

[Count Arioch the 28th]

I feel dumb saying this but I'm having trouble dealing with my cat dying. I know that's not the same as a spouse but that cat was the only thing on this planet that didn't grow to hate me on account of my crippling mental illness and difficulty keeping steady employment. Friends leave, family leaves, lovers run screaming for the hills at the drop of a hat but Lidda was there through all of it.

[Maj]

It doesn't matter what shape the hole is. Cat. Person. The hole is still there.

[DSMatticus]

When my father died, his instructions were to throw his body out of a car and leave it to rot on the roadside, because he didn't want us to spend a single cent on a funeral.

Hah. After handling my grandma's funeral, my dad 'joked' that I should dump him in a ditch somewhere.

Funerals aren't for the closest family members left behind, I don't think. They seem to be an expensive, expected obligation that helps the more distant say goodbye. And if there are those distant who want one, they are free to plan and execute it. I don't object; I just can't.

We had a simple viewing and a cremation, which still ran 5k. The only way to make it any cheaper would have been to have the viewing without the body, which still would have run something like 2k. It's not the sort of obligation I'd wish on the people I left behind. I would have been fine just driving over to their refridgeration and saying goodbye to him on a slab; I nearly did just that, the first few days after. Never quite composed myself for it, I guess. I do think being able to see him one last time, after things had settled down, was kind of helpful, but not five thousand dollars worth of helpful.

More importantly, you don't need to feel guilty about anything you're feeling. No matter what grieving looks like in fiction, it is not actually normal to just fall apart and stay apart. I was sorting through my father's things figuring out what I needed to take care of the same night he passed. I was tentatively easing back into my hobbies by the middle of the next week. Losing a loved one is just emotionally overwhelming at first. There's a lot to process - but you do process it. And after that it's just lonely, and all these things will remind you of them, and sometimes that'll make you sad, and sometimes that'll make you happy, and sometimes both. It's okay to not be a broken thing shuffling through life - that's not healthy and it's definitely not what they would want. There are still things to enjoy in life, so enjoy them. Grieve when you need to and spend the rest of your time living.

I feel dumb saying this but I'm having trouble dealing with my cat dying. I know that's not the same as a spouse but that cat was the only thing on this planet that didn't grow to hate me on account of my crippling mental illness and difficulty keeping steady employment. Friends leave, family leaves, lovers run screaming for the hills at the drop of a hat but Lidda was there through all of it.

It is totally normal to find comfort in your pets' companionship, and it is not weird to feel the absence of that comfort. If Lidda helped you deal with shit, you might consider getting a new furry friend when you're comfortable doing so.

[Dogbert]

No pain is worse than losing a life partner.

There's a million things I'd like to say to you, but right now they will be no good. Nothing we can ever tell you will.

I'm glad you have now an actual therapist to help you get through this, and also remember that we're here, and we listen.

[Count Arioch the 28th]

My Grandma told us to push her body down the stairs because her life insurance paid more if the death was accidental. My mom has requested a viking funeral. I want the tree burial where they use your ashes to fertilize a sapling.

[echoVanguard]

I've spent a lot of time composing, deleting, and re-composing a message to reply to this thread, but it's been very difficult. I've spent years reading posts by many of you, and hearing about your experiences was hard for me.

To everyone who has experienced loss, whether they discussed it in this thread or not, I'm so very sorry.

To Maj specifically, thank you for sharing so much of yourself and your family with us over the years. I know we haven't spoken much, but I've still read many of your stories and was shocked by the knowledge that Ess was gone. Words can't really express, which is a hard truth for those of us who often feel more comfortable with words than people. I hope things get better for you and Gio.

echo

[Zinegata]

I'm needing to put my thoughts somewhere, and since there have been a few others who are going through something similar, I figured it was OK to put on the Den. Maybe they'd like to add to it. If it's inappropriate or too shitty... I'm sorry.

---

I'm getting by. Sort of. My head isn't working right and it's really frustrating. It's hard for my thoughts to come out coherently; sentences just don't want to come out in order with all the necessary information that people need to understand them. I try planning shit, but it's never quite right. This last weekend, for example, we went to Portland - part to see my family, and part to explicitly attend a parkour class (not me; Gi). We forgot to pack clothes for parkour class.

I'm an awesome cook; I catered my sister's wedding. Unfortunately, every time I open the fridge or the freezer, my brain just shuts off. I really have no desire to eat - which is something that happens, I've been told. But I have a child who needs to eat. My mom told me to get a microwave; she's a smart lady. So today was the first time that I really made food (putting dino chicken nuggets in the oven does not count).

I am horribly afraid that I am going to die and my child will be left alone. I can't even drive ten miles without this fear taking over. It's not stopping me from driving. But the entire trip to Portland last weekend (2.5 hour trip) was me hoping that singing to the music on the stereo would hide the fact that I just kept seeing car accidents playing in my head and my son watching me die.

I don't have patience for the 10, 7, 12, 5, n! stages of grief. They're WEIRD, and not the only way that death happens. And even though death sucks and I'm crying a lot and I miss my husband horrendously... I'm grateful. I am full of gratitude for every little teeny thing. Like... I start crying because someone gave me a free coffee. Free coffee is amazing! I cry because the lady at the grocery asked about my husband (he wasn't there), and gave me a hug when she heard the news. And it's just so wonderful that she did that. Gratitude is not one of the n! stages of grief. They can kiss my ass and go find someone else to haunt.

Watching my son [try to] deal with his grief is so brutally heartbreaking. He has lost flexibility and has started snapping at small provocations. He is getting lost, and I don't know how to help him. I emailed his therapist today and she's calling him in for an emergency session on Friday and told me to have him take a day or two off from school. He tried to lock the door to the classroom today so no one could come into the classroom and started swearing at his teacher. This is the last year of elementary school for him - next year it's onto 6th grade and middle school. Like... The suckiest part of school is being combined with the suckiest life circumstances and I'm Gi's back-up and a hot mess.

Hey I wanted to check-in and see how you were doing. As I said weeks ago - tell us if you need anything.

[deaddmwalking]

When you've lost someone, one of the last things you want to think about are how others might be feeling, but I'm sure the people around you aren't sure about what would be more helpful - to bring up a painful memory or to completely ignore it. I think for the people who knew you first as a couple are going to struggle to figure out how they can be supportive friends to an individual. These same types of situations play out with breakups and divorces, too, but I think people are even more afraid of saying the wrong thing after the passing of a loved one. For most people the easiest (and safest) thing is to say nothing, rather than risk saying the wrong thing.

I've probably done exactly that here and before - and others probably will, too. I think it can be hard to be in the position where you have to tell others what you need from them - but if you do need something, I'm certain that there is an abundance of good will to do exactly that. Whether it's stuffing your freezer full of casseroles or taking Gi for the afternoon or whatever, there is someone ready and willing to help - try not to be afraid to ask - it would take a real jerk to think you were in any way 'abusing' the friendship - and I'm sure that you don't make friends with those kinds of people.

So even as time passes - maybe especially as time passes - don't feel like you can't ask for help.

[Maj]

I have a difficult time asking people for things because of the guilt. I just feel awful. Also, I frequently don't know what I need. That takes a lot of executive function, and it's in short supply. Like today... I am messed up today because I had a panic attack last night and didn't get sleep. So I'd like to order 6 hours of sleep, please.

[RobbyPants]

I have a difficult time asking people for things because of the guilt. I just feel awful. Also, I frequently don't know what I need. That takes a lot of executive function, and it's in short supply. Like today... I am messed up today because I had a panic attack last night and didn't get sleep. So I'd like to order 6 hours of sleep, please.

My dad told me to cook meals for people that are easy to reheat. He said they won't ask for it, but they'll appreciate it.

He told me a story about a family who'd lost someone. The morning of the funeral, they had a ton to do. A distant relative showed up and said he was there to shine the shoes. They looked at him taken aback a moment, realized what he meant, and showed them the shoes. They had no time to do it, and he just sat their on the floor shining all their shoes while they did everything else they had to.

[deaddmwalking]

I have a difficult time asking people for things because of the guilt. I just feel awful.

That's why I wanted to mention it. I think most people don't want to ask for help, especially when they need it. Fear of being weak, or being demanding or WHATEVER - they're ingrained in us. I just know there are a lot of people who want to help but also don't want to be a bother.... Imagine if someone cooked you 2 weeks worth of food and didn't realize you had a food allergy and couldn't eat it. Not only did they NOT HELP, they might have killed you!

There's someone thinking about you and wondering if they should just make that casserole anyway, but they're not going to do it because doing nothing sucks, but doing the WRONG thing seems to suck worse.

I don't think anyone wants you to feel awful, so if you don't feel like you CAN ask for help, I'm not going to judge you. I'd probably do exactly like you and just silently endure. But deep down I KNOW that if our situations were reversed, not only would I make other people happier letting them feel that they made a difference, I would be happier for the help. Even though it's hard.

[Iduno]

I have a difficult time asking people for things because of the guilt. I just feel awful. Also, I frequently don't know what I need. That takes a lot of executive function, and it's in short supply. Like today... I am messed up today because I had a panic attack last night and didn't get sleep. So I'd like to order 6 hours of sleep, please.

I can let you know that drinking doesn't help with sleep deprivation. Poor quality sleep, plus possibility of anxiety and/or depression, both of which make it tougher to sleep. It's tempting, though.

[Maj]

I'm feeling pissy. I tried to watch something lighthearted on Netflix, and it turned into something heart-rippingly sad (it wasn't intended to) that I wasn't prepared to think was sad. And now I'm looking around my house and seeing my husband everywhere. But he's not here.

Ess' favorite animal was a panda. With his martial arts training, he basically was kung fu panda. I've been looking to plant bamboo in our yard so we can have kind of a meditation area, but it's surprisingly expensive. It was $50 for a small plant (twice that for something a little more established). So I fixed our weedeater a couple days ago and was using it to hack down the tall grass that the lawnmower couldn't get... And I found a half circle of bamboo maybe three feet long along the side of my house - outside my office window. We've lived here for four years and the only thing we planted were veggies and herbs in the front yard. I'm gonna let it grow. It's currently about knee height.

That hole in my chest. It's huge. And most of the time I'm OK, but right now I'm just feeling the vast emptiness of it and hurts. Like waves. That end up splashing down my face as tears.

I feel guilty for getting things done. I feel guilty for hanging pictures and fixing the yard and calling lawyers and cleaning. I feel guilty for continuing to have dreams... Not dreams like when you sleep, but dreams like life goals. At the same time, I cry for all the dreams that got cut short. I was trying to measure the front panel of my counter so I can install a tip-out tray, and I ended up crying so hard I had to stop. We'd talked about doing it a long time ago; I have almost everything I need to complete the project. But finishing it is like some sort of sin.

I'm fucked up at the moment. (We need an "estar" for English. Not everything is a "ser" sort of thing, and that differentiation would really help us.) And apparently, I'm drunk texting the Den. Only I'm not drunk. Tonight sucked. But this streaming verbiage has helped me so that I can face the stillness and the emptiness of my house that I've been trying to avoid for the last two and a half hours. And avoid admitting that it's the stillness and the emptiness that I'm trying to avoid. Avoid the void. But really I need to void the void. Make like Vasilisa and acknowledge that the morning is wiser than the evening, and just go the fuck to sleep.

[Maj]

I had a more coherent thought...

I finally got in to see a therapist on my own, and we were talking about breathing. We discussed some advice I had read about not worrying about anything except that your exhale is longer than your inhale. She actually explained the science of why that happens; it was interesting and useful.

And then as I was leaving, I mentioned to her that singing has really helped. I always feel better when I do it. And she said, "Well, of course. Singing is the ultimate exhale." That was kind of like permission for me to sing as often as possible. (Except, of course, when it's one in the morning and my son's sleeping in the next room over.)

But I figured that might help someone else. Singing isn't mentioned very often when people talk about breathing properly - yoga, meditation... Those things dominate. But you have to learn to breathe when you sing or you have no voice. Singing is also more fun. I mean, I know I'd rather belt out "I Want to Be Evil" than try to not concentrate on my thoughts while instead concentrating on the air in my lungs.

[Maj]

Also, writing shit out. Catharsis is real, yo. And it feels all scrubby. I'm going to bed now. Thanks.

[Iduno]

And apparently, I'm drunk texting the Den. Only I'm not drunk. Tonight sucked. But this streaming verbiage has helped me so that I can face the stillness and the emptiness of my house that I've been trying to avoid for the last two and a half hours. And avoid admitting that it's the stillness and the emptiness that I'm trying to avoid. Avoid the void. But really I need to void the void. Make like Vasilisa and acknowledge that the morning is wiser than the evening, and just go the fuck to sleep.

You're the only person who might (and probably won't) get away with suggesting Maj can't get away with posting whatever you need to here. Have at it.

And I'm guessing someone here can post a bunch of relaxing Netflix. All I have is "Salt, Fat, Acid, Heat". And maybe the old Anthony Bourdain shows.

[Maj]

I gotta say, that as horrible as the place was when I wrote that post, I feel so much better for having written it. So, thanks.

BTW - Salt, Fat, Acid, Heat was amazing. More relaxing suggestions would be welcome. I already finished She-Ra, and Always Be My Maybe was surprisingly good. Tonight's flick was The Nutcracker and the Four Realms, which I just loved because for the first two decades of my life, I saw some live performance of the Nutcracker ballet every single year at Christmas. I don't think it was actually a great movie, but I did fangirl at it.

[Maj]

Today, I broke down because of pens. PENS!

I'm learning that sometimes it's the things you didn't like the most that get you because they're all his. Ess liked to write with ball point pens that were really dull - 1.0 mm points. I'm the opposite; I like super precision points. My pens are at least 0.5 mm, if not the awesome G-2 0.38 mm ones.

So I'm trying desperately to get his desk out of the office because if I don't change the room, it's going to be an emotional sink that I can't escape from. That means I have to clean the desk out. Well... I got that part down. Gi and I emptied all the drawers, and any of Ess' writing just went into a bin for me to deal with later because I knew I'd fall apart if I tried to sort it. His office supplies we just put on top of his desk to be tested and donated to someone who likes blunt-tipped pens.

And while I was testing them, I just cried and cried. Because the pens weren't ever anyone else's. They were just all his, and his alone. And it really caught me off-guard because I wasn't expecting it over pens. Pens that I don't like, even.

*sigh*

The same thing happened with our laundry hamper. I'd always hated it. It was too round and in the way of the aisle on the sides of the bed. It was fugly cracked wicker. But when I went to replace it, I almost couldn't get rid of it. Now that it's gone, I'm OK and I'm glad. But it's been so dissonant to cry over stuff I have always wanted to get rid of.

[Count Arioch the 28th]

Completely different, less severe example, but after me and my most current gf broke up I had a mini-meltdown at the hardware store because that's a place we liked to go to look at stuff.

[Maj]

I get that. Of all places, it happens to me in HomeGoods.