D&D: Jokes needed

[Koumei]

I'm going to be trying out an idea that combines a Bard spell (stupid item creation rules for the win. 4,000GP for a ring that keeps it going all the time) with the Book of Weeaboo Fightan Magic.

The Bard spell lets you sub in "Perform" for any use of "Concentrate".

Weeaboo Fightan Magic has a few manoeuvres that let you use "Concentrate" (see: Perform) for Will saves, Ref saves, Fort saves, Damage rolls and others various things.

As cool as it would be to play an MC Hammer type person who uses Perform: Sing or Perform: Dance, and responds to any attack with "Can't touch this", I want to attempt a stand-up comedian type of approach.

But I seriously can't think of any jokes that work in D&D. Do people have any ideas? With actual jokes being told, the game would be much cooler, and people would remember the character as being awesome.

It's easier to come up with GrimDark ones:

How many orks does it take to change a lightbulb? 100 - 1 to jam a shard of broken glass into the socket, and 99 to think that will work.

What do you call a lasgun with a laser sight attached? Twin-linked.

But no D&D ones spring to mind. Help please?

[Jacob_Orlove]

Google suggests http://www.enworld.org/showthread.php?t=22161 but many of those are just not funny.

[fbmf]

Why do elves have pointed ears? There has to be some point to elves.

If you have access to the 2e Book of Crypts, there is a mini-adventure called Death's Cold Laughter where a maniacal jester tells D&D themed jokes. The one above is the only one I recall of the top of my head.

Game on,
fbmf

[JonSetanta]

Why do dwarves have such big beards? To save some ale for later.

How do elves keep so clean in dungeons? Licking. Like cats. Yes, there too; hence the expression "as clean as an elf's ass".

At the stroke of midnight, the group of adventurers walk into the bar. Well, almost everyone did... everyone but the halfling and gnome; they were uninjured.

The lifespan of all NPCs, be they mortal or monster, is as follows: "Until they meet the PC party."

[Koumei]

Heh, thanks guys. We have some real shockers here. And that link, too... granted, that had some funny ones.

I also gained a few from /tg/, as follows:

Ever hear the one about the awesome gnome?
Neither have I.

How many kender does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only on--hey, where'd the new bulb go?

How many Transmutationists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one- as an unattended object, it gets no saving throw.

How many succubi does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Only two... but how would they get in a lightbulb?

[JonSetanta]

How many kender does it take to change a lightbulb?
Trick question: Kender would never stop to fix a lightbulb. They always move to a new, more interesting, better lit area.

[Harlune]

/tg/? You poor dear. How many references to -4 str, dragon raping blackguards and ass spelunking DC 80 Escape Artist checks did you have to suffer through to get those?

[Koumei]

I somehow missed the stupid -4 Str this time around (a pleasant change), and apparently the dragon-raping thread was deleted. As for Epic Escape Artistry, that's just funny, being yet another example of WotC not thinking about what their rules result in.

[Username17]

Why do people take such an instant dislike to troglodytes?
It saves time.

You know who has perfect pitch?
Someone who can throw a goblin in the trash without hitting the sides.

Where do half-dragon unicorns come from?
Silverymoon.

You know how to get money back from a goblin?
Damn.

So this cleric of Loviatar was arguing things out with a cleric of Sune. That's not a joke, just something I like to think about from time to time.

So this Gnome asked a badger which way it was to the market. And the badger said "Grnt grunt grnt." Seriously, that's all badgers ever say, am I right folks?

This magic sword was telling me how important it was, and really I was like "Which one of us is up to their shoulders in owlbear?"

And for that matter folks, why are owlbears so unhelpful? I asked one who made it, and it just started asking me right back. Kind of a dick move really.

I think it is travesty that healing potions come with stoppers you can choke on. That's just bad planning.

Does it mean I'm rude that I always break for lunch while treants are talking?

How come nobody ever opens a gate to the elemental plane of chocolate? Even if the djinn from there conquered our plane of existence I think that would be totally worth it. Our new masters may be cruel, but they are delicious.

-Username17

[Azmaveth]

What did the gnome teenager say to his parents?
...
You don't gnome me!

[Maxus]

I could probably make a very nasty joke indeed.

Revolving around gnomes having three twelve-inch legs.

But no one wants that.

I guess your character could make a joke out racial poetry:

Elf poetry is the generic pining for the moon and stars they had back when their grandparents were young, and dwarf poetry is about gold, axes, women, and beer.

By which I mean, a dwarf haiku looks like:

Gold gold silver beards
Lager ax gold gems gold gold
Gold big axe women.

[JonSetanta]

I defeated a half-dragon/half-fiend/half-celestial monster yesterday by using logic.
Yep, after a few minutes of debate it couldn't justify its own existence, and exploded.

[JonSetanta]

Why did Gary Gygax die?
Jacob Orlove's bad jokes.
>_<

[Captain_Bleach]

1.) What do you call a Fighter fan-boy?
Anything but 'smart.'

2.) A mook walks into a bar. He suffers 1d6 bludgeoning damage.

3.) Why are there so many Drizz't fans?
Because even Emos are Elf fan-boys!

[Count Arioch the 28th]

A human, an elf, and a dwarf were taking a piss.

The human finishes, goes to the sink, splashes water vigorously while saying "My mother taught me to wash up after going to the bathroom"

The elf finishes, and dips his fingers into the water and says "My mother taught me to respect our resources"

The dwarf finishes and says "My mother taught me to not piss on my hands" and walks out the door.

[Harlune]

1204694211[/unixtime]]A human, an elf, and a dwarf were taking a piss.

The human finishes, goes to the sink, splashes water vigorously while saying "My mother taught me to wash up after going to the bathroom"

The elf finishes, and dips his fingers into the water and says "My mother taught me to respect our resources"

The dwarf finishes and says "My mother taught me to not piss on my hands" and walks out the door.

okay... I admit, this was the first joke in this thread that actually made me laugh.

[JonSetanta]

I had a similar encounter IRL, oddly.

[Captain_Bleach]

1204694211[/unixtime]]A human, an elf, and a dwarf were taking a piss.

The human finishes, goes to the sink, splashes water vigorously while saying "My mother taught me to wash up after going to the bathroom"

The elf finishes, and dips his fingers into the water and says "My mother taught me to respect our resources"

The dwarf finishes and says "My mother taught me to not piss on my hands" and walks out the door.

The Count FTW!

[SunTzuWarmaster]

Huh, at work I heard that as a sailor and a Marine...

[Maxus]

1204751270[/unixtime]]Huh, at work I heard that as a sailor and a Marine...

I heard it as an Auburn fan and an Alabama fan.