10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
Jokes that make you laugh cry or both
Moderator: Moderators
Jokes that make you laugh cry or both
The internet gave a voice to the world thus gave definitive proof that the world is mostly full of idiots.
A Mountie pulled a car over on the Trans Canada about 2 miles west of Winnipeg. When the Mountie asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Brandon to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and he didn't want to be late.
The Mountie told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the
driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the Mountie that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The Mountie told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol
car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Mountie got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the
patrol car. A drunk, good old boy, driving through from Alberta got out and watched the performance briefly. He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.
The Mountie observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car,
opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "You might as well take me to jail, cause there's no
fuckin` way I can pass that test."
The Mountie told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the
driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the Mountie that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The Mountie told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol
car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Mountie got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the
patrol car. A drunk, good old boy, driving through from Alberta got out and watched the performance briefly. He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.
The Mountie observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car,
opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "You might as well take me to jail, cause there's no
fuckin` way I can pass that test."
The internet gave a voice to the world thus gave definitive proof that the world is mostly full of idiots.
Ontario Transportation Safety Board Announcement
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the Canadian auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in four-wheel drive pickup trucks and SUV's in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find that in most of the towns the recorded last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were: "Oh,Shit !"
However, in someplaces like Halifax, Prospect road, Sudbury, Lively, Coniston, Garson
Onaping, Chelmsford, Dowling, Levack, Cache Bay, Verner, Field, River Valley there were different results. In these areas 89.3 percent of the final words were:
"Hold my beer, I'm gonna try somethin."
---
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the Canadian auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in four-wheel drive pickup trucks and SUV's in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find that in most of the towns the recorded last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were: "Oh,Shit !"
However, in someplaces like Halifax, Prospect road, Sudbury, Lively, Coniston, Garson
Onaping, Chelmsford, Dowling, Levack, Cache Bay, Verner, Field, River Valley there were different results. In these areas 89.3 percent of the final words were:
"Hold my beer, I'm gonna try somethin."
---
The internet gave a voice to the world thus gave definitive proof that the world is mostly full of idiots.
MEN DO REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES:
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye.
"What's the matter, dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?"
"Do you remember 20 years ago when you were only 16 and your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, sitting down beside him.
"And do you remember when he got his shotgun and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to jail for 20 years'?"
"I remember that too" she replied softly. He wiped away the tears again and said, "I would have gotten out today."
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye.
"What's the matter, dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?"
"Do you remember 20 years ago when you were only 16 and your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, sitting down beside him.
"And do you remember when he got his shotgun and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to jail for 20 years'?"
"I remember that too" she replied softly. He wiped away the tears again and said, "I would have gotten out today."
The internet gave a voice to the world thus gave definitive proof that the world is mostly full of idiots.
watching the sun rise sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big
under his arm.
He yells out. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire."
Old man says, "Whatcha gonna do with that?"
Boy says, "Catch some chickens."
Old man yells, "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens
with that."
That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the
old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with
about 30 chickens caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun
rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind a round in his
hand.
Old man yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy yells back, "Roll of duck tape."
Old man yells says, "Whatcha gonna do with that?"
Boy says, "Catch me some ducks."
Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks
with duck tape."
Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around
sunset the boy walks by
coming home, and to the old man's amazement he is trailing
behind him thisunrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in
it.
Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by
carrying what looks a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.
Old man says "Hey boy whatcha got there?"
Boy says, "Pussy willows."
Old man says, "I'll get my hat."
under his arm.
He yells out. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire."
Old man says, "Whatcha gonna do with that?"
Boy says, "Catch some chickens."
Old man yells, "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens
with that."
That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the
old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with
about 30 chickens caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun
rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind a round in his
hand.
Old man yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy yells back, "Roll of duck tape."
Old man yells says, "Whatcha gonna do with that?"
Boy says, "Catch me some ducks."
Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks
with duck tape."
Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around
sunset the boy walks by
coming home, and to the old man's amazement he is trailing
behind him thisunrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in
it.
Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by
carrying what looks a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.
Old man says "Hey boy whatcha got there?"
Boy says, "Pussy willows."
Old man says, "I'll get my hat."
The internet gave a voice to the world thus gave definitive proof that the world is mostly full of idiots.
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Count Arioch the 28th
- King
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- Joined: Fri Mar 07, 2008 7:54 pm
Reserved for the one about the man and the little piano.
He jumps like a damned dragoon, and charges into battle fighting rather insane monsters with little more than his bare hands and rather nasty spell effects conjured up solely through knowledge and the local plantlife. He unerringly knows where his goal lies, he breathes underwater and is untroubled by space travel, seems to have no limits to his actual endurance and favors killing his enemies by driving both boots square into their skull. His agility is unmatched, and his strength legendary, able to fling about a turtle shell big enough to contain a man with enough force to barrel down a near endless path of unfortunates.
--The horror of Mario
Zak S, Zak Smith, Dndwithpornstars, Zak Sabbath. He is a terrible person and a hack at writing and art. His cultural contributions are less than Justin Bieber's, and he's a shitmuffin. Go go gadget Googlebomb!
--The horror of Mario
Zak S, Zak Smith, Dndwithpornstars, Zak Sabbath. He is a terrible person and a hack at writing and art. His cultural contributions are less than Justin Bieber's, and he's a shitmuffin. Go go gadget Googlebomb!
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CatharzGodfoot
- King
- Posts: 5668
- Joined: Fri Mar 07, 2008 7:54 pm
- Location: North Carolina
Sigh. Dammit, CG, did you just have to do that?CatharzGodfoot wrote:Maxus wrote:Reserved for the one about the man and the little piano.
He jumps like a damned dragoon, and charges into battle fighting rather insane monsters with little more than his bare hands and rather nasty spell effects conjured up solely through knowledge and the local plantlife. He unerringly knows where his goal lies, he breathes underwater and is untroubled by space travel, seems to have no limits to his actual endurance and favors killing his enemies by driving both boots square into their skull. His agility is unmatched, and his strength legendary, able to fling about a turtle shell big enough to contain a man with enough force to barrel down a near endless path of unfortunates.
--The horror of Mario
Zak S, Zak Smith, Dndwithpornstars, Zak Sabbath. He is a terrible person and a hack at writing and art. His cultural contributions are less than Justin Bieber's, and he's a shitmuffin. Go go gadget Googlebomb!
--The horror of Mario
Zak S, Zak Smith, Dndwithpornstars, Zak Sabbath. He is a terrible person and a hack at writing and art. His cultural contributions are less than Justin Bieber's, and he's a shitmuffin. Go go gadget Googlebomb!
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Judging__Eagle
- Prince
- Posts: 4671
- Joined: Fri Mar 07, 2008 7:54 pm
- Location: Lake Ontario is in my backyard; Canada
Tell them anyway. I love hearing jokes from other places. Even the Canadian ones that ckafrica told I have never heard before.
Last edited by Judging__Eagle on Thu Mar 26, 2009 4:00 am, edited 1 time in total.
The Gaming Den; where Mathematics are rigorously applied to Mythology.
While everyone's Philosophy is not in accord, that doesn't mean we're not on board.
While everyone's Philosophy is not in accord, that doesn't mean we're not on board.
A teacher once came home to find a letter from her husband:
"Sorry, but let's face it, you're 60 and not getting any younger. I'm sleeping with my 18 year old secretary, back in the morning."
When he did return, he found a letter left by her:
"That's okay, but you're 60 as well, you know. I'm sleeping with my 18 year old student, and won't be back until tomorrow morning - as a math teacher yourself, you should know that 18 goes into 60 more than 60 goes into 18."
This from my Chemistry teacher. Classy lady.
"Sorry, but let's face it, you're 60 and not getting any younger. I'm sleeping with my 18 year old secretary, back in the morning."
When he did return, he found a letter left by her:
"That's okay, but you're 60 as well, you know. I'm sleeping with my 18 year old student, and won't be back until tomorrow morning - as a math teacher yourself, you should know that 18 goes into 60 more than 60 goes into 18."
This from my Chemistry teacher. Classy lady.
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CatharzGodfoot
- King
- Posts: 5668
- Joined: Fri Mar 07, 2008 7:54 pm
- Location: North Carolina
Koumei wrote:A teacher once came home to find a letter from her husband:
"Sorry, but let's face it, you're 60 and not getting any younger. I'm sleeping with my 18 year old secretary, back in the morning."
When he did return, he found a letter left by her:
"That's okay, but you're 60 as well, you know. I'm sleeping with my 18 year old student, and won't be back until tomorrow morning - as a math teacher yourself, you should know that 18 goes into 60 more than 60 goes into 18."
This from my Chemistry teacher. Classy lady.
Ah, Highschool...
But why does a math teacher have a secretary?
The law in its majestic equality forbids the rich as well as the poor from stealing bread, begging and sleeping under bridges.
-Anatole France
Mount Flamethrower on rear
Drive in reverse
Win Game.
-Josh Kablack
-Anatole France
Mount Flamethrower on rear
Drive in reverse
Win Game.
-Josh Kablack
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TavishArtair
- Knight-Baron
- Posts: 593
- Joined: Fri Mar 07, 2008 7:54 pm
Read it again? The teacher is sleeping with her student, the husband is of an unnamed profession.
Last edited by TavishArtair on Thu Mar 26, 2009 8:02 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Lago PARANOIA
- Invincible Overlord
- Posts: 10555
- Joined: Thu Sep 25, 2008 3:00 am
Are you guys ready for the two worst puns in the history of the universe?
Q: Why shouldn't pigs get sick?
Q: When is an opera singer not an opera singer?
Q: Why shouldn't pigs get sick?
A: Because they have to be killed before they can be cured!
A: When they are a little hoarse.
Josh Kablack wrote:Your freedom to make rulings up on the fly is in direct conflict with my freedom to interact with an internally consistent narrative. Your freedom to run/play a game without needing to understand a complex rule system is in direct conflict with my freedom to play a character whose abilities and flaws function as I intended within that ruleset. Your freedom to add and change rules in the middle of the game is in direct conflict with my ability to understand that rules system before I decided whether or not to join your game.
In short, your entire post is dismissive of not merely my intelligence, but my agency. And I don't mean agency as a player within one of your games, I mean my agency as a person. You do not want me to be informed when I make the fundamental decisions of deciding whether to join your game or buying your rules system.
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Lago PARANOIA
- Invincible Overlord
- Posts: 10555
- Joined: Thu Sep 25, 2008 3:00 am
Despite xcvd's desperate attempts to convince us otherwise, there's no way this joke would work for a math professor, because everyone knows that just declaring your major as math causes a forcefield to form around your lower trunk, preventing any human flesh aside from your own from ever making contact with it. Forever.ckafrica wrote:Perhaps it would be better as professors. It would explain both the secretary and the society where 18 year olds are fucking 60 year olds for anything other than money.
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Count Arioch the 28th
- King
- Posts: 6172
- Joined: Fri Mar 07, 2008 7:54 pm
Do you mean xkcd.com? And that's false: math professors do plenty of inbreeding, actually.Lago PARANOIA wrote:Despite xcvd's desperate attempts to convince us otherwise, there's no way this joke would work for a math professor, because everyone knows that just declaring your major as math causes a forcefield to form around your lower trunk, preventing any human flesh aside from your own from ever making contact with it. Forever.
Hans Freyer, s.b.u.h. wrote:A manly, a bold tone prevails in history. He who has the grip has the booty.
Huston Smith wrote:Life gives us no view of the whole. We see only snatches here and there, (...)
brotherfrancis75 wrote:Perhaps you imagine that Ayn Rand is our friend? And the Mont Pelerin Society? No, those are but the more subtle versions of the Bolshevik Communist Revolution you imagine you reject. (...) FOX NEWS IS ALSO COMMUNIST!
LDSChristian wrote:True. I do wonder which is worse: killing so many people like Hitler did or denying Christ 3 times like Peter did.
An old NRI (non-resident-indian) joke
A lady arrived at the Madras airport after spending 36 hours in transit.
She was fully exhausted after such a long trip with her 6 young kids.
Collecting many suitcases, the family entered the cramped customs area.
A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief, "Ma'am," he said, "do all these children and this luggage belong to you?"
"Yes, sir," the lady said with a sigh. "They're all mine."
The customs agent began his interrogation "Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?"
"Sir," she calmly answered, "if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now."
Ancient History wrote:We were working on Street Magic, and Frank asked me if a houngan had run over my dog.
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Judging__Eagle
- Prince
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- Joined: Fri Mar 07, 2008 7:54 pm
- Location: Lake Ontario is in my backyard; Canada
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Cielingcat
- Duke
- Posts: 1453
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Count Arioch the 28th
- King
- Posts: 6172
- Joined: Fri Mar 07, 2008 7:54 pm
The Mother Superior of the local convent was severely constipated. She didn't want to take any drugs, but she heard that elderberry wine loosens things up a bit downstairs.
So, she asked one of the sisters to go to town and get her a bottle of elderberry wine. The sister was shocked, "Mother Superior, why are you asking for wine!?" the Mother Superior replied "It's for medicinal purposes, don't worry."
So, the nun went to the town wine store, and asked the clerk for a bottle of elderberry wine. "Sister, are you sure you want this?" asked the clerk. "It's for medicinal purposes" replied the nun. So, she bought the wine, and stepped out of the store.
However, the nun was curious. She had never had wine other than communion wine, and wanted to know what it tasted like. "The Mother Superior will never know", she told herself.
So, she took a sip, which lead to another, and before you know it the nun had drunk the entire bottle of wine and was roaring drunk on the steps of the wine store.
The clerk ran out and said "Sister, what is the meaning of this!?"
"You shee, the Mother Shuperior ish conshtipated", replied the nun. "And when she shees me, she'sh gonna SHIT!"
So, she asked one of the sisters to go to town and get her a bottle of elderberry wine. The sister was shocked, "Mother Superior, why are you asking for wine!?" the Mother Superior replied "It's for medicinal purposes, don't worry."
So, the nun went to the town wine store, and asked the clerk for a bottle of elderberry wine. "Sister, are you sure you want this?" asked the clerk. "It's for medicinal purposes" replied the nun. So, she bought the wine, and stepped out of the store.
However, the nun was curious. She had never had wine other than communion wine, and wanted to know what it tasted like. "The Mother Superior will never know", she told herself.
So, she took a sip, which lead to another, and before you know it the nun had drunk the entire bottle of wine and was roaring drunk on the steps of the wine store.
The clerk ran out and said "Sister, what is the meaning of this!?"
"You shee, the Mother Shuperior ish conshtipated", replied the nun. "And when she shees me, she'sh gonna SHIT!"
In this moment, I am Ur-phoric. Not because of any phony god’s blessing. But because, I am enlightened by my int score.