Live blogging Dungeons and Dragons Book of Vile Darkness

Prak · Post by **Prak** » Wed Jan 16, 2013 6:39 am

Because why not?

So, we start with a five minute Ken Burns Documentary style exposition, talking about how the eponymous book, and an order of knights sworn to fight evil, were created. The book is actually made from the body of some evil sorcerer, which I don't think is canon, but is cool. Everything's all good and sounding like D&D.
And around the five minute mark, Good has already been Dumb. The knightly order of Pelorian paladins with magic swag bribed "greedy souls" to hide the pieces of the book. That's right. Instead of making it the duty of knightly lineages, they just bribed some peasants, who I'm shocked did not auction the pieces off to demons as soon as the knights left.

Once the movie starts proper, it starts with the contemporary knightly order initiating a new knight. The oath mentions showing mercy to the wicked.
Look guys. I know it's noble and all, but you're crusading paladins of Pelor, you really don't have to be nice to your evil foes.
Or maybe they're not paladins. Apparently Pelor is on holiday, and hasn't been consecrating new knights.
So, really they're more like a bunch of average joes with some fighting skill who like to pledge oaths to a big obelisk, then get drunk in the woods. Probably fighters.

Prak · Post by **Prak** » Wed Jan 16, 2013 6:48 am

Next, a group of mages attack, and predictably lay waste to the fighters, even though they're just throwing around some kind of generic energy damage spell. It's not even lightning bolt, it's like shocking grasp but with range.

(Disclaimer, this movie is still better, and more D&D like than the last two)

So the battle fades to black, and the kid is the lone survivor. Well, presumably the mages took his father prisoner. He tries to ask Pelor for power to avenge his father and slay evil, but no obvious showy response comes, so he's still just a fighter with a gaudy amulet he doesn't know how to work.

He wanders off, shedding his crappy armour, and winds up in town, where he enters a hut that seems to be where the woman inside, who is implied to be a prostitute, does her work. It's implied because she's wearing near-flesh tone clothes, with lots of skin showing, and talks like a prostitute ("It's your money" in response to him saying he just wants to talk). He says he wants to ask about the barbarians she just serviced (because apparently barbarian tribes train large groups of powerful sorcerers). She basically says "yeah, alright, they said something about an important prisoner. Come on, I'll help you. Don't flash the sun guy amulet around, you'll get killed."

Then they visit an actual Ye Olde Magic Item Shoppe. I was floored. They actually acknowledged that the game is played this way, and he buys a Force Ring, Bag of Holding, Wicked Sword, and Heroic Tier Knight Plate, by name. Oh, it's the Adventurer's guild, or whatever, and it's having a going out of business sale. He has money that was raised for him to start his knighthood, and uses that to pay for the stuff.

I'm still shocked.

From there, they go to a bar, where he orders dwarven ale, and a table of people playing Three Dragon Ante is shown.

Again, this is more of a D&D movie than the last two. By far.

Prak · Post by **Prak** » Wed Jan 16, 2013 6:55 am

Ok, we finally have people who look like something other than "typical medieval european townsfolk."

The people playing 3DA in the tavern (literally, they're using the actual game that's sold irl), We have "Person with tribalish face and scalp tattoos," (who is implied to be a thief, and outright called an assassin), "Chick with more tattoos, and piercings that would be at home at a punk rock show," and... well, the actor is fairly obviously black (facial structure), but has a fairly elabourate makeup job of white/grey with black highlights. Honestly, the patterns make me think of the killer whale people from It's Wet Outside, or a drow, but that would be all black, and he doesn't have elf ears.

Oh, look. Tattoo and Piercing chick is a mage. Gotcha. Or possibly a warlock. Whatever she is, she's threatening the other two calling herself the greatest adversary the other two have ever faced, and has purple energy wreathing her hand.

Prak · Post by **Prak** » Wed Jan 16, 2013 7:00 am

So, Knight-boy sits at the "Evil Kids Table" after overhearing them talk about looking for something. He makes a bid to be employed as their tank, which the big black makeupped guy laughs at straight away. I'm guessing he's a barbarian, class wise, maybe goliath? Some drunkard in skins says "get out of my chair," Knight-boy makes an appeal to asskickery retort about "hey, I'm sitting with these evil fucks, you think I give a damn who's chair this is."

Then someone who looks like the rapey antagonist of Way of the Warrior (I mean he has some shitty leather/plastic face mask over deformities, not that he's dressed like a cowboy) says something about terror being a valuable weapon, can you be terrible. Oh, and head cheerleader, I mean the tattooed pierced chick, says "yep, ya gotta earn the right to sit here, kill one of these people here."

Oh, deformity guy spits up grubs and roaches, interesting.

...and the scruffy skins guy was apparently part of the group, and an elf. I say was, because he was the guy who got shanked for a place at the table.

And Tattoo/Piercing chick is shadarkai.

...and they just saw a dragon. Apparently magic, energy breathing, flying reptiles are more common than the cold in D&D. I've been running wrong...

Prak · Post by **Prak** » Wed Jan 16, 2013 7:04 am

Shadarkai Punk Chick has a magic ability something like spectral hand, except if the spell used portal tech.

That she can waste to smack Knight-boy.

And Vermin coughing deformity guy can use Arcane Eye. Except that the eye remains tethered to him by viscera. This seems... slightly less useful than normal.

Prak · Post by **Prak** » Wed Jan 16, 2013 7:12 am

So, they engaged the dragon (Huge red, I guess, though more like a half-red wyvern), and take it out through scenery abuse. Collapsing a rock arch on it, because apparently the melee people think that cutting it's wing membrane(assassin), or stabbing it in the achilles tendon(knight boy) are useful. Assassin gets set on fire, beats it out, and then tossed. Vermin Lord discorporates, but doesn't really do much. Shadarkai Punk Chick sets up the arch to be broken, then gets swatted down. Knight-boy distracts the dragon long enough for the rock arch to be shattered on it.

Once he climbs out, he is somehow treated as the one who won the battle.

Prak · Post by **Prak** » Wed Jan 16, 2013 7:14 am

Oh look, tits. Proof number 2 that this is totally the "Dark and Edgy Mature" version of D&D. Just like it's namesake.

Prak · Post by **Prak** » Wed Jan 16, 2013 7:21 am

And evil=dickery!

Assassin guy says that the only purpose in the peasants' life is to be killed by him.
Vermin Lord goes and gives a woman a ring that he enchanted to show her the moment of her husband's death, by being eaten by the dragon they killed. When she runs off crazed, he enchants her son's teddy bear to be stuffed full of vermin, with a big millipede being shown poking out. It's implied the two are then torn apart by vermin.

Knight-boy starts dancing with a peasant girl, about to get lucky that knight, Shadarkai Punk Chick comes over and jealously pushes the girl away, grabbing Knight boy and saying "let's get this over with."

Assassin dude drinks a potion of invisibility and slays the town elder to get into the treasure vault that some shiny bauble rescued from the dragon was going to be put in. Spouts typical evil "might makes right" crap.

Cut to Knight boy in Shadarkai Punk Chick's room, where she's taking off her armour, put down her hair, and informs him that, because he saved her life (with the dragon), he's entitled to her body by Shadarkai law.
Suddenly, I want to play Shadarkais more.
Knight boy of course refuses.

Oh, while she's slipping into something more comfortable, he puts on her magic diadem, and sees a communication meant for her about the apparatus being ready, and how they're ready to extract liquid pain (from his father).

This kid's entire gambit is built on pretending to be evil, and he keeps just barely saving himself after cocking it up with his good impulses.

Prak · Post by **Prak** » Wed Jan 16, 2013 7:25 am

So far the goliath is the least reprehensible. I mean, sure he picked up a random chick as they were being hailed as heroes (I mean literally. Walked up and put her on his shoulder), but he's actually nice to her, giving her a post coital gem. Plus I think she was a whore, so that's probably one of the tenderest physical "pick ups" she's ever gotten.

Prak · Post by **Prak** » Wed Jan 16, 2013 7:33 am

Oh, and Knight Boy is in love with the Shadarkai "witch." No one is surprised.

The town locked them inside the gates, planning on killing them when they tried to leave. Shadarkai Punk Chick uses "Physical Spectral Hand" to put her necklace around leader's neck, threatening to "blow it." New leader resists the intimidation. Knight boy bargains for "we'll return half your treasure if you let us go." because he's in love with the shadarkai, and doesn't want to die. This works, because some peasants are apparently still on their side (They killed a dragon, after all...) Then the Vermin Lord explodes the new leader. Just because. Fight ensues. Knight boy keeps from being killed by a peasant by showing his Pelor Swag. ...and the peasant being killed by the Goliath. Knight boy wanders off and finds the well where the town's kids are being kept safe. Vermin Lord finds and hears him being all nice and good, confirming his suspicions that the boy is good.

And apparently Shadarkai has Dark Speech, with surprisingly little collatoral damage for her allies.

Prak · Post by **Prak** » Wed Jan 16, 2013 7:36 am

They split up the treasure. Knight Boy gets a vorpal sword, a magic item that was their actual goal in fighting the dragon got sold to the assassin for his share. Shadarkai chick tells him "Assassin's splitting off, you can go with him ("yeah, you can be my valet"). Or you can come home with me to Gloomward and meet my folks! terrify sluts and go on adventures!"

Prak · Post by **Prak** » Wed Jan 16, 2013 7:39 am

And Knight Boy just poisoned the goliath and stashed his body in a bag of holding. Well then. He's um, getting an alignment change.

Assassin gets killed by Vermin Lord in the morning, because Assassin was about to kill Knight Boy. Big Whoop.

Prak · Post by **Prak** » Wed Jan 16, 2013 7:48 am

They go back to the original plan (taking the horn to a big bad), and come to a hole in the ground guarded by a slay mate. Apparently instead of killing it, they have to feed it hate and malice by letting an undead child suck on their fingers. This is vaguely unconfortably peadonecrophilic. Or maybe it's just me. Well, ok, maybe it's just Vermin Lord licking his finger after she's done. Unexpectedly, it's not Knight Boy who fails to feed her the hate and malice she needs, it's Shadarkai Chick, who is apparently starting to love Knight Boy, just as he's becoming evil. Aww....

Mysterious guardian thing pops out and kills Vermin Lord, gets killed by Knight Boy as it's about to kill Shadarkai chick.

Prak · Post by **Prak** » Wed Jan 16, 2013 7:52 am

So they go to the big bad to give him the mcguffin. Big bad has a sewn shut mouth, a big gem embedded in his head (which allows him to communicate with Shadarkai chick through her diadem), and two women chained to him. They mimic his moves, and speak in unison for him. Kind of cool.

Looking at stuff online trying to find explicit mentions of what these people are, apparently this guy is a mindflayer in disguise.

Knight Boy finds his dad hooked up to the Liquid Pain extractor. Pulls him out. Oh, and Shadarkai chick comes in at the most inopportune moment, that is, when Daddy calls Knight Boy his son. He knocks her out with some unexplained energy attack. Woo lack of recognizable effects.

Prak · Post by **Prak** » Wed Jan 16, 2013 7:54 am

...apparently the point of extracting liquid pain from Daddy is to use it as ink. Umm... isn't that rather like using heroin as ink, instead of selling it? I mean, yeah, apparently it's for the BoVD, but still...

Prak · Post by **Prak** » Wed Jan 16, 2013 7:56 am

...apparently, refusing to slay your dad so as to try to foil the plans of the enemy in some small way and proclaiming yourself to be a terrible killer, but willing to stand up for all the stuff you've gone against is all it takes to awaken the amulet.

Too bad Vermin Lord came back and knocked Knight Boy out. Oh well.

Prak · Post by **Prak** » Wed Jan 16, 2013 7:58 am

..Shadarkai Chick is surprised that the entire quest was all just for getting the boy to Shadowfell to use *his* body for creation of liquid pain as ink.

And she is somehow surprised that an evil dick was just using her.

As an aside, to the credit of the set designers, the designs are often taken directly from the books. So that's cool.

Prak · Post by **Prak** » Wed Jan 16, 2013 8:05 am

The amulet activates as Knight Boy is being drained. This somehow frees him, and he starts shooting shmucks with holy beams. Big Bad seemingly rots away at the beams' touch. Moon comes out from behind the clouds over Shadowfell.

Shadarkai chick tries to get Knight Boy to come home with her again, probably all wet over seeing the wounds and bruises. (no, seriously, the post nookie scene of them all but explicitly said she got off on others' pain).

And... the movie's over. Damnit, do 4e mind flayers just look like people with mouths sewn shut and head jewels now? That's kind of lame, I mean, comparatively.

Overall, it was an ok movie. Could actually have used just a hair more exposition (though maybe I just couldn't identify effects and races because I don't know 4e...). Apparently the Goliath was actually a goliath, but that still means that the only sentient non-humans in the film were humans in make up (and a cgi undead). Seriously, the dragon was actually a lot more like a half red dragon wyvern than a dragon as D&D has them. Not a bad thing, really, just odd.

Shrapnel · Post by **Shrapnel** » Wed Jan 16, 2013 2:20 pm

I learned long ago to never expect moive adaptations of any type of game (excepting Clue) to actually be quality.

Prak · Post by **Prak** » Wed Jan 16, 2013 5:23 pm

Edit: I was half asleep when I first answered, now I see what you were actually saying.
D&D:BoVD was actually not bad. I was surprised.

Red Archon · Post by **Red Archon** » Wed Jan 16, 2013 7:19 pm

I liked BoVD. The experience was overshadowed by the fact that we missed our actual D&D session and settled for the movie, but it was clearly the funnest D&D or D&D-style movie yet. And it's so ridiculous you can be pretty damn drunk while watching and still get pretty much everything out of it.

malak · Post by **malak** » Tue Dec 31, 2013 12:19 am

Yeah, I liked the movie too.

Mysterious guardian thing - I think that was a Helmed Horror. You know, armor filled with red glowy nothing..