Original Fantasy Story (Partially Den-Inspired)

[Shatner]

Amalgam: Book One

The world of Amalgam is made of many things, mixed poorly and left to simmer.

Several centuries ago, the hobs stole the secret of iron-working from the dwarves and carved for themselves an empire larger than any other. Slaves would be taught civilization and made into citizens, even if the lessons required the patience of generations to be learned properly. But some of the ruled remain unruly and the edges of the empire are fraying... all while conflicts older than iron smolder, ready to ignite anew.

Bonnie Keogh is a caravan guard whose satisfaction is ever beyond the horizon. Batugei of the Daguur is a warrior looking to make sense of a senseless conflict. Vex is an unlikely scholar tired of setbacks and marginalization. Realgar Hematite is a priest whose prayers aren't answered by the god he expects. These four travelers from four different races will be the harbingers of things both great and terrible... but first they have to meet.

The dream is to write a compelling narrative with an ensemble cast of protagonists, set within a world where many of the fantasy tropes are emergent properties of the setting rather than mere genre conventions. A lot of different ideas and inspiration went into the worldbuilding, but the germ of many an idea came from here, The Gaming Den. The Frank and K Tomes, fantasy race discussions, fantasy economics discussions (and real-world economics discussions too), and so on all contributed to the stuff of this story.

Plus, the tone is a blend of comedy, vulgarity, and seriousness that I think is very Den-appropriate. The character Vex in particular would fit right in here and while she hasn't told anyone to go suck a barrel of cocks yet, it's really only a matter of time.

Seeing as a number of folks here are amateur writers themselves, others are avid fantasy readers, and still more have spent ample time considering the ins-and-outs of fantasy settings, I think a lot of y'all could have good insight on this story (feedback/commentary would definitely be appreciated). I also think a lot of y'all might like it.

At the time of this posting, 14 chapters have been written. New chapters go up weekly.

Thanks in advance to any fine folks who give this a look.

[...You Lost Me]

First part was fun, looking forward to next Wednesday.

[Shatner]

Thanks for checking it out, You Lost Me.

Did anything stand out as being particularly good or bad? Was anything problematic, confusing, or compelling?

I'm curious how the setting (or, at least, what of it is visible through the story thus far) comes across, especially from fellow Gaming Den folks since scrutinizing fantasy-adjacent content is so big 'round here.

[...You Lost Me]

The idea that halflings get physically sick as they get further away from their village was interesting. I'm interested in seeing more of your take on the world.

I guess if I had to think of feedback, this seemed more like an introduction / prequel than a chapter. It felt like it was over as soon as it started. I figure that's just because it's a background chapter / the first chapter of the book.

[Shatner]

The idea that halflings get physically sick as they get further away from their village was interesting. I'm interested in seeing more of your take on the world.

I guess if I had to think of feedback, this seemed more like an introduction / prequel than a chapter. It felt like it was over as soon as it started. I figure that's just because it's a background chapter / the first chapter of the book.

Oh. I think you just read the first chapter which, yes, is quite short since it's meant to be an introductory vignette to the following chapter. At the top and the bottom of the page, you'll see a 'Next Chapter' button, or you can click 'Entire Work' and get the full thing on display.

There's 13 other chapters written already, all of them a good bit longer than that first one. Give 'em a looksie.

[...You Lost Me]

ope, yeah I assumed when you said that chapters come out every week, that there would only be 1 chapter this week. I'll look at the rest.

[pragma]

I'm working my way through this and it's beautifully written. I can quibble with some decisions, particularly in pacing, but this is interesting fantasy fare that I consider well written enough for publication. Good job! I am eager for more (at chapter 9 right now).

(Though, last time I started reading web fiction at the Den's recommendation I wound up reading all of Worm. That was an exhausting ride. I may curse your name in the future.)

One thing that jumped out at me immediately is that the orcs are coded as African. As I read further, I came to understand that Mongolia inspired them as well, but the zebras, the nomadic animal husbandry, and references to the savanna made me think of Africa. This isn't a problem per se, particularly because the treatment of orcs here is nuanced, but coding orcs as black is racially charged. It made me uneasy at the outset of the story.

I think the consensus on the Den is that there's no right way to go about doing fantasy races that isn't racially charged, so I don't know if my raised hackles have any recourse. I just wanted to sound the alarm in case you hadn't thought about it.

[Shatner]

I'm working my way through this and it's beautifully written. I can quibble with some decisions, particularly in pacing, but this is interesting fantasy fare that I consider well written enough for publication. Good job! I am eager for more (at chapter 9 right now).

Thank you for checking it out, for providing feedback, and for the kind words!

(Though, last time I started reading web fiction at the Den's recommendation I wound up reading all of Worm. That was an exhausting ride. I may curse your name in the future.)

Ha!

One thing that jumped out at me immediately is that the orcs are coded as African. ...[snip]... I just wanted to sound the alarm in case you hadn't thought about it.

I appreciate you voicing your concern. Fortunately, one of my proofreaders has also been very alert to that sort of issue and has helped make sure things trend toward the nuanced, so hopefully I won't be making any major missteps on that front. I will say that the orcs of Batugei's culture are very Mongolian in inspiration, from the names to the attire to the customs. It's just the geography (and subsequent distribution of animals) that differs, hence the zebras and whatnot.

I hope you enjoy what's ahead, pragma.

[Whatever]

This is good stuff. I noticed that I'd occasionally stumble over an awkward, overlong sentence but that happened more in the initial chapters than the later ones.

Definitely enjoying the world, feels real and makes me want to know more. Went back to read the older vignettes, and I'm excited for an elf to appear. A strong Orlando vibe there.

[Shatner]

This is good stuff. I noticed that I'd occasionally stumble over an awkward, overlong sentence but that happened more in the initial chapters than the later ones.

Ah, that'd probably be because it took a bit for my proofreaders and me to find a good routine for the weekly release schedule. They're really good at taking my prose up a notch or, in this case, stopping me from overburdening a sentence.

Definitely enjoying the world, feels real and makes me want to know more. Went back to read the older vignettes, and I'm excited for an elf to appear. A strong Orlando vibe there.

I'm really glad you're enjoying it! Yeah, I'm looking forward to getting to introduce the elves in general and Heyan'Dasa specifically when the narrative gets that far.

Thanks for reading and providing feedback, Whatever.

Also, the next three chapters went up today. I hope folks enjoy 'em.

[Whatever]

Fun chapters! Some quick notes for your proofreaders:

"cheese and soapstone carvings" should be "soapstone carvings and cheese" unless you mean they traded for this:

"It was also taking Ciara, the older of Ballinack's two would-be travelers ready to depart, eager to begin her life of wandering with the security and insight the caravaneers could afford her."
long boi is back

There were a few other nitpicks in that first paragraph (I'd probably say "and twins" rather than "though twins" for example), but oddly enough not much after that for ch15. Was that intro a late addition/revision?

I do appreciate how the backstory chapters have very immediate payoffs in the main story, in addition to their more general world-building. Feels good.

[Shatner]

Good proposed revisions, Whatever. Thanks. I've tweaked Ch15 accordingly. Also,

"cheese and soapstone carvings" should be "soapstone carvings and cheese" unless you mean they traded for this:

HA! Though if the steaders of Ballinack thought cheese sculptures would entice more caravans, they'd get real passionate about whittling dairy products real fast.

Was that intro a late addition/revision?

Sort of. The reason for the concurrent backstory-main story narrative is so I can quickly get enough contextual information about this world and its characters without also slowing the story down too much. That's the dream, anyway. In practice, it means that I work on different sections of the week's prose at different times and sometimes I make changes after my oh-so-helpful proofreaders have already made their pass over the draft. I think the section you're referring to above is one such example. Again, we're still honing our process, and the after-the-fact help you're providing is appreciated.

I do appreciate how the backstory chapters have very immediate payoffs in the main story, in addition to their more general world-building. Feels good.

As I said above, I feel like I need to balance the forward progression of the story with the necessary worldbuilding and characterization, given the unfamiliar setting. So having the mix of backstory/interlude and main story chapters each week is my attempt to strike that balance. However, I need to make the backstory chapters relevant to the main story chapters of that week, otherwise it'll make the narrative feel disjointed, like you were reading a prequel and a sequel at the same time, with arbitrary chapters from each stapled together. I'm glad that the desired sense of interconnectedness seems to be coming across.

As before, thanks for reading and offering feedback, Whatever. I hope you enjoy what's to come.

[Whatever]

I think the section you're referring to above is one such example.

Makes sense. It was jarring to have the first couple paragraphs feel like a rough draft, and then slide into smoother prose for the rest. Your editors are doing great work!

As before, thanks for reading and offering feedback, Whatever. I hope you enjoy what's to come.

You're welcome! I'm excited to see where this all goes.

[...You Lost Me]

Just read through Chapter 5. Having a great time with it so far. No feedback to speak of.

[Thaluikhain]

Just got up to Chapter 4.

The first chapter didn't really grab me, which IMHO is a big problem. The next few got better, but (again, IMHO) the first one is more important.

Lots of exposition, lots of names I may or may not have to remember before things get going.

That's not to say it isn't picking up and starting to get going and getting my interest, it's just that I think it'd be better to do that earlier.

EDIT: Ok, read up to chapter 19 (inclusive), and the writing is good, the world-building and research excellent, but I don't really know what the story is about, if anything.

[Shatner]

Just got up to Chapter 4.

The first chapter didn't really grab me, which IMHO is a big problem. The next few got better, but (again, IMHO) the first one is more important.

Lots of exposition, lots of names I may or may not have to remember before things get going.

That's not to say it isn't picking up and starting to get going and getting my interest, it's just that I think it'd be better to do that earlier.

That's a very valid concern. Hmm. I'd originally written it with Ch2 (e.g. Bonnie and Batugei sparring) as the start so it'd kick off with something fast-paced and light. But as I was building up the original block of chapters, the backstory-mainstory format evolved, hence the brief halfling rock chapter at the start. I do like the format as well what that little vignette of a chapter shows, but I see now how that could be a problem with getting the reader's attention at the start.

I'm considering writing a Ch0 to go at the very start which will show some plot-relevant bad news brewing out in the wider world. Hopefully that'll help grip the reader before we cut to the halfling coming-of-age vignette and introducing Bonnie and Batugei.

EDIT: Ok, read up to chapter 19 (inclusive), and the writing is good, the world-building and research excellent, but I don't really know what the story is about, if anything.

Shoot, I missed this edit 'til just now. Thanks for reading through as much of the story as is posted at this time. And thanks for the positive assessment of the writing and worldbuilding.

Your concern about the plot and it, ya know, being a thing, is justified. There is a plot --both Book 1-specific as well as a larger, overarching plot-- but it hasn't moved into the foreground yet.

I'm of two minds about that, honestly. On the one hand, this is meant to be a 'regular folks swept up in larger events' sort of story, so I need to establish who these regular folks are and the world they inhabit before the plot that's been building in the background surges to the fore, sweeping them along in the current. On the other hand, you're 19 chapters in and you don't actually know what this book is ultimately about, which seems like a problem.

I'm hoping that the aforementioned Ch0 will help with this issue as well as the 'chapter 1 isn't as gripping as it should be' one. Also, once all four of the primary characters are together, then things will pick up, being less slice-of-life and more 'here's the objective.' And Realgar is joining the group in chapters 20 and 21, so that point is quite near.

Anyway, thanks for reading and remarking, Thaluikhain. I appreciate the feedback.

[...You Lost Me]

I agree that Chapter 1 could use a prequel to grab people a little more. Or it could be shortened slightly to give it a little more punch. In either case, I would say your first chapter is the weakest chapter I have read so far (currently at Chapter 9).

The story does meander a fair bit, but I'm still in the territory where I am hearing about peoples' backstories. But I'm not entirely sure I want this part to end. I'm loving your characters, your world-building, your dialog, your sense of humor. Maybe my stance on that will change after another 10 chapters, but so far I'm just enjoying bathing in the world.

[phlapjackage]

I just realized I hadn't checked on this in awhile - is there any hope of more story? It's alot of fun so far, I would love to hear more - enough so that I'd be willing to kick a few bucks in to make it happen...

My only input, aside from that I'm really interested to hear more of the story, is more just an observation: that I guess it's not uncommon to portray orcs as nomads and the like. I've also been reading A Practical Guide to Evil and seeing similarities in the way orcs are depicted.

[JonSetanta]

This is really good writing.