The Gaming Den

Of the three-ish fuck rules systems* I've seen for D&D, they are all interminable slogs of rules seemingly written by people people who get aroused by trying to have complex high simulation rules. They suck.

Are there any rules for boinking in D&D that were written "cuz sex is funny and my group wants to include sex comedy in game" and not "something something raeluzarm and cross references make me cum?"


*Netbook of Carnal Knowledge (2e), Guide to Unlawful Carnal Knowledge (3e), Book of Erotica Fantasy (3e)

I did not realize at first that "fuck rules system" meant a rules system for fucking, as opposed to a rules system that sucked, so that second paragraph really came as a surprise tone shift until I reread.

That said, I think you aren't going to find good sex rules. There are no good diplomacy rules, and those are like.... kind of essential? to the game in a way that sex rules aren't. I think for the same reason no one has ever come up with good diplomacy rules, no one will ever come up with good sex rules, the things you want sex to do in an RPG are hampered by rules more than helped.

Also, I think "will be paid money to write sex rules for an RPG" and "will accept money to write sex rules for an RPG" are both negatively correlated with writing good sex rules, and if there isn't a publisher it's going to be a lot harder to find the rules.

My group is talking about the idea of a smutty d&d game and how sex would work, and I think, at least for d&d, and maybe specifically 5e, just translating the combat system and relabeling things would generally work. Sure, there's the issue of Diplomacy, but any group that has mind caulked Diplomacy to work for them can just use whatever they're already doing for the Diplomacy part of things.

As far as the publishing part of things... I think, well, ok, I can't speak for anyone else. I've kinda just accepted that there's D&D, the 8000 ton dicked gorilla, and a few small companies that manage to exist beneath its notice, and anyone who wants to publish either makes a symbiotic relationship with D&D, or has to be satisfied with just being a small thing that exists in the same ecosystem but is never going to compete with WotC. To the extent that I'd want to publish anything, I'd probably just do it as a small book/pdf that doesn't use any copyrighted terms.

Attraction would play a big part in bringing two beings together, and I've been thinking for a while how everyone has their own (genetic? environmental?) preferences.

These would be ability score comparisons, such as "Oooh their INT is so high! +2 Arousal points" or just straight out attracted to STR or CHA.

Other than that, I suppose it would be a series of d20+stat bonus checks per minute until one or more members achieve orgasm.

Yeah, like I said, I'm thinking of just translating combat wholesale, and then doing some tweaks and relabeling. So I'd say a sex round is one minute, and you're, essentially, trying to reduce your partner's fuck points to 0, at which point they orgasm. Or your own, if you're a selfish lover. If you hit 0, you roll whatever you'd normally roll to not die, to see if you can keep going. Using 5e, you're basically sitting there in some afterglow, and if you pass your three rolls you recover half your previous fp total, and can keep going. Repeat until you're only recovering 1 fp each time, at which point you're too overstimulated.

Then you just stat up "techniques" and sex toys as if they were weapons. Like a "dick attack" does 1d6 fp damage, but the person with the dick takes 1d8. Iunno. A dildo is a dick attack that doesn't reduce the wielder's fp. Something like that.

Attraction would be another thing entirely, and I'm kinda fine with that being more mtp. Either your character is into orc women and so rolls some Persuasion checks, or the adventure is about pleasuring the ice queen, and so you go do that. And maybe if the adventure is "pleasure the ice queen" and no one in the party is into her, someone bites the bullet and does it anyway, or they summon a sex demon to do it. Or they get the blacksmith's son to do it, and the actual adventure is more of an escort quest. Whatever.

Prak, you're like a living Oglaf character and I love it.

I'll offer advice and help when possible on this endeavor.

I mean, in fairness, Oglaf is a large piece of the inspiration for me wanting to play a smutty D&D game.

I would suggest using Fate combat with customized skills and stunts. That will give you and your players plenty of opportunities to create whatever sex-based consequences and boosts you feel are funny, while still giving some mechanical structure. The zones rules offer a whole avenue for game mechanical sex humor, especially if you conflate erogenous zones and physical spaces.

Playing through sex acts at the table sounds excruciating, especially if you're using the combat rules.

Good sex comedy rules for D&D:

Roll a d20 to do the sex
1: comical mishap (sleep with wrong person, genitals explode, etc)
2-7: ordinary failure (bad sex)
8-14: ordinary success (good sex)
15-19: terrific sex, the whole table cheers
20: you're crowned King of Sextopolis

Good lord, why? Do people want good sex rules, or do they really want funny sex rules?

Playing through sex acts at the table sounds excruciating, especially if you're using the combat rules.

Roll for initiative, take a swift action to equip your dick with two-hands to maximize your STR bonus, then roll to meet Flatfooted AC. Upon success, you successfully penetrate... something. Hopefully a person.

The Adventurer's Almanac wrote: ↑

Sat Aug 14, 2021 3:54 pm

Roll for initiative, take a swift action to equip your dick with two-hands to maximize your STR bonus, then roll to meet Flatfooted AC. Upon success, you successfully penetrate... something. Hopefully a person.

Rogues would not be caught flatfooted. Try to get into your preferred position and aim, but the Rogue pulls a Tumble or Reflex save and suddenly you take 30 Sneak Attack damage from behind.

Also I said dragon SLAYER not dragon LAYER!

The Adventurer's Almanac wrote: ↑

Sat Aug 14, 2021 3:54 pm

Good lord, why? Do people want good sex rules, or do they really want funny sex rules?

I would argue those are the same thing.

OK. Here's some class or "kit" names I thought up.

STR - Beefcake, or Meatpounder
DEX - Nimblefingers
CON - Tantric Devotee
INT - Toymaster
WIS - Empathic Lover
CHA - Filthmouth

Funny how, in all of the Den's history, I only remember two threads on Erotically Charged Sexventures.
If you're talking 5E, why not just giving your PCs a free, sex-related Path/Specialization/whatever the name?

I had assumed Prak was implying 3.X, but with 5e it would still be better off as a side-track series of levels rather than anything built into the 1-20 system of classic adventuring.
You might find a Commoner REALLY GOOD at, well, this, but only have like 4-8 HP and no other "powers".
Meanwhile a L20 Wizard might still be a virgin, and have 0 levels of sexual expertise.

Might be? Everybody knows it's required. Every time a wizard spills his seed, he loses all his prepared spells for that day, if he's lucky.

There are no good rules for sex in D&D, there will never be good rules for sex in D&D. Probably any RPG ever.

Here's what you do: freeform it completely. Have mechanical incentives to seek out a bunch of sex.

This can be as simple as "it's been a dry week? -2 Morale Penalty on d20 rolls. Been laid in the last week? No modifier. Day after? +1 Morale Bonus, or +2 if you've been getting your steady five per day that doctors recommend*."

Or it can be complex like listing a bunch of challenges/achievements/goals, and tying rewards to them - Nymph's Kiss as a bonus feat for being more than kissed by a Nymph, Lich Loved as a bonus feat if they decide to do the vampire erotica thing, the Gnome/Dwarf bonus against Giants if they spend a lot of time getting stepped on by tall things? I dunno. Honestly, that could probably help with the comedy thing.

Or if your group are all doing the hetero thing (even if I were straight, in a hobby like roleplaying I wouldn't assume that and I very much doubt you'd assume that, but only you know your actual group) you could go a bit crazy and have a generational game, where you only have a small number of adventures with the party, then do a 20+ year timeskip of their offspring so people try to have sex with whatever can give them the best head start (celestials, dragons and fiends for Half X templates, royalty for huge piles of starting wealth, powerful wizards for a giant starting spellbook etc.)

*I forget if they're talking about orgasms or servings of vegetables.

Did the Book of Exalted Deeds have a Vow of Chastity, too?

In the Book of Exalted Deeds, there is a vow of Chastity feat. +4 bonus on will saves against charm & phantasm spells & abilities. Lose the benefits if you have any sexual contact with any other creature, so masturbation is okay.

On the topic of an intergenerational campaign with non-heterosexuals, if in a standard D&Dish environment, one can always handwave the creation of children being done by magic, divine intervention, science/alchemy, or whatever else.

Lord Charlemagne wrote: ↑

Fri Aug 20, 2021 5:31 pm

On the topic of an intergenerational campaign with non-heterosexuals, if in a standard D&Dish environment, one can always handwave the creation of children being done by magic, divine intervention, science/alchemy, or whatever else.

"This is my gay tiefling daughter. I made her in three bottles and a decanter!"

Koumei, I was brewing ideas with all genders and orientations in mind, but the multigenerational concept in a magical setting could literally be anything spells allow.

Clone, for instance, with various templates or Wish added.
The next generation would be identical to the caster, but with a few tweaks.

I'll just preempt the obvious question: What happens when someone tries to fuck their clone? Their simulacrum? Their ice assassin? Someone else's clone?
When it comes to magic, things can get real dicey, real quick. I don't even have to explain why. But I will say I'm immediately reminded of the wizard from Morrowind who lived in a tower with his daughter-wives who were all clones of him or... something. Fucking wizards.

You get Oglaf.

What are you trying to accomplish? If the objective is to have sex-as-comedy as part of the game, you need to step back and realize the game doesn't even deal with comedy yet. I mean, it's usually great when you have a DM or player that's a genuinely funny person, but there are no in-game rewards/penalties for that, because the social part of D&D is barely developed beyond MTP anyway.

Perhaps it's just my groups and those I've seen, but 'dumb comedic bullshit' is often baked into tabletop games, it seems. Maybe not on purpose, but people just cannot fucking resist cracking wise and making jokes about what's going on, even when things are grimderp. Seriousness tends to be the outlier, typically appearing once a game's been running long enough for people to give a shit.
As we all know, anecdotes are the most important form of data. Anyway, my point is that I think comedy and/or moments of levity tend to arise naturally during most tabletop games. ESPECIALLY if you're playing a PtBA game.