Angry Sober Review: Apocalypse for d6 Ed

[Koumei]

GET YOUR FINNISH DEATH METAL BANDS PLAYING, IT'S TIME FOR MOTHERFUCKING CHAOOOOOOOOOOOOOS!

Sort of. I forgot to bring the book with me, so I'm going to be more vague and go by memory. First-up we have...

The Greater Brass Scorpion of Khorne!


Okay, if you have the money, get this instead of the big juggernaut thing. Just... do. Seriously. It isn't quite as resilient (in regards to Regeneration, but IIRC it's still a Daemon and thus still has a 5++. A small Invulnerable Save might not matter that much when you're being plinked to death by 100 bolters, but those bolters don't do dick to this thing. Basically, you have a 1/3 chance of ignoring those rare lascannon shots), instead, it murders you. In the face.

Okay, so it can run in the Shooting Phase and still Assault you. It rolls 3d6" for charge range instead of 2d6. Back before random charge range, I think it had 12", so it's a bit of a downgrade. Blame GW for adding random charge distance.

Now, let's talk about its guns: 2x Flamer Template (at... IIRC it's S 6 AP 3, so "wounds Space Marines on a 2+ with no Armour Save. TOASTY!), and a cannon that is, I believe, similar or identical to the Demolisher cannon. Large or Massive Blast, high Strength, low AP. So use that one on Terminators, Monsters and Tanks.

Now the tail one. Remember how the game uses True Line of Sight? Enjoy. You measure from the gun, so enemies potentially cannot hide from you. It has ten shots at S 6 or 7 AP 3. So it takes Space Marines out, or maybe plinks lighter vehicles to death.

And then it charges you. It makes multiple attacks with Titan weapons (so, Strength D), and all those limbs give it 1d3+2 Stomps. Note that the most iconically stompy armies of Nids and Orks do not get the Stomp beneifts that Necrons and Chaos get.

fuck_you.jpg

My main complaint with it is that, for something called a Scorpion, it has no harpoon attack. Which brings us to...


GET OVER HERE!

This is actually the Impaler variant of the Blood Slaughterer. It has -1 Attack compared to normal, but does indeed have a Harpoon attack that drags foes closer. Excellent!

The normal version just has two chopping blades. Basically they scuttle forward quickly, make lots of attacks in close combat and all that.

They also have their own Thunderhawk (basically the same as the normal one), and their own version of this:


It's a Flyer that holds 20-30 dudes and has an Assault Ramp.

They also get their own Contemptor, which is like the normal one except it can take a few specialist weapons, it's explosion is stronger rather than larger, and it might be a daemon or be able to take possession? Also it can take a Havoc Launcher instead of a Cyclone.

But they can also take it's bigger brother:


It IS a daemon, and if it gets Wrecked without Exploding, it lies dormant. Every turn, roll 1d6. On a 1, it is removed. On a 2-5, nothing happens this turn. On a 6, it stands back up, restoring mobility and weapons, and regains 1d3 Hull Points.

It can be blessed by Khorne (gains the Rampage rule IIRC), Nurgle (It Will Not Die - regeneration), Slaanesh (Offensive and Defensive Grenades) or Tzeench (re-roll any 1 to hit with shooting, and flamers get the shitty Soul Blaze rule). Or nothing, if you want to save points.

It starts with two siege claws: S 8 AP 2 with the Slam rule (can elect to make half as many attacks at S 10), and built-in heavy flamers. If it scores a Penetrating hit with a Slam against a transport vehicle or building, then it scores 1d6 Heavy Flamer hits on the inhabitant for each claw. Yes, that means it can make 2 or maybe 3 Slams, and if all three Penetrate, release a total of 6d6 S 5 AP 4 hits on the dudes inside.

It can swap ONE for a Heavy Conversion Beamer, or you can swap either or both for a Butcher Cannon (something like 36" S 8 AP 4 Heavy 4), Stormlaser (something like 36" S 6-7 AP 2-3 Heavy 1d3+2) or a Soul Burner (shortish range S 4-5 AP 5-6 Large Blast, Rending, No Cover).

It looks awesome, and there are some cool options and rules, and it's available as an Elite choice in non-Apocalypse (in theory), but it's rather pricey, and good luck getting permission out of Apocalypse.

Onto the specials of Nurgle, we have this:


Which looks disgusting, but there you go. It's a Flyer with an Autocannon and IIRC a Template or Blast attack (in the old rules it did, using the old Soulgrinder Maw Cannon rules - but not the powerful Lick option). They can be taken as fairly cheap squads of 1-3 for Fast Attack, and are Daemons. Out of Apocalypse, they're awesome (but look horrible). Even in Apocalypse, squads of them are pretty cool.

Then there's this lump of shit:


I can't remember its rules. In the old days, it was kind of crap, as an anti-infantry thing in a game where tanks where everywhere and daemons had enough anti-infantry. Now, it might be okay. It still looks horrible.

I can't remember the formations, but there's nothing that exciting. Also there are daemons and Titans, but they can happen when I get home. Enjoy the pretty pictures! (And in the case of Nurgle, the revolting ones)

[Koumei]

Okay, so let's go back over the other stuff: Brass Scorpion (Greater) is only 700 points, does have Daemon and It Will Not Die, but walks in with only 9 Hull Points and doesn't actually have Titan weapons - its 6 (7 for charging) attacks are just Strength 10 AP 2. And then all of the stomps.

Also, it adds +2 to the roll to see how awesomely it explodes, and yes, the flamers are Template S 6 AP 3 Assault 1 No Cover, the tailgun is 36" S 6 AP 3 Heavy 10 and the mouth cannon is 24" S 10 AP 2 Primary 1, 5" Blast, No Cover.

Now they get their own Reaver Titan, too:


It's like a normal Reaver, but has Dirge Casters, and for vast point costs can choose to be blessed by a Chaos God (K: Daemon, Hatred (Daemons of Slaanesh), +1d3 attacks on the charge, reroll Stomps if you wish. N: Daemon, Hatred (Daemons of Tzeench), It Will Not Die. S: Daemon, Hatred (Daemons of Khorne), anything fighting it has to test Ld at -2 or be Initiative 1 for the whole phase. T: Daemon, Hatred (Daemons of Nurgle), re-roll any To Hit rolls of 1, Inferno Cannons gain Soul Blaze.)

They also get a Warhound:


Normal Warhound, but Dirge Casters and can take the expensive Daemon upgrades.

Chaos Thunderhawks can take the Daemon Transport rule (see: Chaosdex), and their Storm Eagle can take Daemonic Possession, Dirge Casters and Warpflame Gargoyles.

They can take Spartans as well (D-Possession, Casters, Warpflame as options), and they can take Relic Predators (same options, and Destroyer Blades).

Chaos Conttemptor... has 4++ against Glancing Hits and 6++ against Penetrating. Also, at Initiative 10 (or possibly at Step 10 of combat), it deals a S2 AP2 hit to all Psykers in the combat. If it explodes, it's +1d3" and Soul Blaze. Khorne grants it Rage and Rampage, Nurgle gives It Will Not Die, Slaanesh provides Frag and Defensive Grenades, Tzeench gives it a reroll on any 1 for Invulnerable Saves, and Heavy Flamers get Soul Blaze.

Okay, Blight Drones do in fact get the Template (S6 AP4) and Large Blast (36" S8 AP3) attacks along with their reapers. Also, if they are Wrecked, they Explode. 2 Hull Points each. They're expensive, at 150 points each (so 450 points for a unit of 3), but they are Daemons (so 5++), Flyers with Hover Mode, and they have Daemonic Resilience (see: Codex Daemons, I dunno).

Okay, the Plague Hulk is 150 points of WS 3 BS 2 S 6 Armour 13/13/11 I 2 A 4 Hull Points 4. That's a bulky set-up, and it's a Daemon of Nurgle with Daemonic Resilience. It's equipped with an Iron Claw (S 10 AP 2 Melee), a Rot Cannon (36" S 6 AP 3 Ordnance 1, 5" Blast, Rending) and Rancid Vomit (Template S 5 AP 3 Assault 1, Poison 3+, No Cover). The claw can be upgraded to a Warp Sword (S 6 AP 3 Melee, Mastercrafted).

Basically, it was first made as a Nurgle specialist version of the Soul Grinder for the old Daemondex. The new Daemondex makes the Soul Grinder more interesting (and useful) and gives a variety of specialist choices for the Chaos gods, so this isn't as different. It's not bad though, and can be taken as a Heavy choice in normal games if allowed (as can the Blood Slaughterer).

Now for 777 points you can have a Daemon Lord (Gargantuan) of Nurgle. Statline is WS 9 BS 3 S 8 T 9 W 6 I 3 A 5 Ld 10 Sv -/3++

Special rules: Hulking Monster (only moves 6"), Daemon Lord (3++ save), Nurgling Infestation (1d6+3 bonus attacks at S 3 AP -, Initiative 1), Instability, Deep Strike, Feel No Pain 4+, has offensive and defensive grenades, +1d3 attacks for charging rather than +1, Toxic Discharge (Hellstorm S 5 AP 4 Assault 1), and it can cause Wounds to non-vehicle non-daemons that aren't Nurgle-marked (even allies) in its move phase.

Also its weapon is AP 1 and basically has a chance to cause twice as many wounds.

For 888 points you get a Gargantuan Daemon Lord of Khorne.

WS 10 BS 4 S 10 T 8 W 8 I 5 A 7 Ld 10 Sv 2+/3++
Special rules: Instability, Daemon of Khorne, Daemon Lord, Deep Strike, must charge if possible, Denies the Witch on a 2+ and charging gives +1d6 instead of +1. Also he Flies.

Wargear is the armour that grants 2+ Armour Save, Axe of Khorne (see Daemondex), Icon, and his whip is actually a ranged weapon, out to 12". Yes, it can actually crack tanks that aren't Land Raiders.

Rupert Murdoch costs 999 points.

Big statline, can bounce Psychic powers back at the user, Psyker (mastery 4), at least 2 of its powers have to be from the shitty Tzeench table, but the other 2 can be from any 1 other table in the core book, it has to attack other big Daemons if they're too close to it, and it has a special attack that creates Pink Horrors.

Also, its staff grants it a special Apocalyptic Barrage attack: Poison 4+ and Haywire, AP 3, Infinite Range, random number of shots (of course), and it has to make a Ld Test. If it fails the test, the opponent gets to aim the attack.

Slaanesh gets one for 666 points.


Note that Khorne is the only one that looks awesome. Anyway, this has Initiative 10, and its attacks all cause Instant Death. It can also gain Wounds (up to 10) when it murderises people in close combat. It rerolls all failed rolls to Hit and to Wound, has frag grenades, gets +1d3 instead of +1 for charging, and if you fail a Ld Test when fighting it, you can't fight it. It has a shitty shooting attack. Pinning, if that matters in Apocalypse?

The special unique character Daemon Princes, and the big Chaos Beasts, are not very interesting, so I won't discuss those. There is a formation for 9-15 Blight Drones (they get a Chaos Icon when not ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMing), and one for 7-13 Blood Slaughterers (the leader gets a 4++ and can run faster, and the others also run faster, but have a chance of suffering Glancing Hits when they do).

The Chaos Chapter gets a C- for their efforts. It was actually a rather boring chapter, which is disappointing, but the variety of walking robot daemons saves it.

[Username17]

The big problem i'm seeing here is that all that stuff is crazy and doesn't make any sense. That gargantuan Nurgle Lord takes an average of 36 Lascannon hits, 54 Bright Lance hits, or 108 Autocannon or Scatter Laser hits to bring down. The optimal weapon of course, is the Scatter Laser, but jesus fuck that's a lot of die rolling.

777 points is basically chicken feed for something that is going to draw that much firepower. Even if the enemy was wasting Lascannons to hunt marines one by one, you'd still have saved the lives of 30 Chaos Marines just by having the gargantuan intestine blob take fire instead.

Looking through these lists, it is impossible for me to believe that any of this was playtested or even mathhammered, leaving me to wonder what the fucking point of any of it is.

-Username17

[Koumei]

The big problem i'm seeing here is that all that stuff is crazy and doesn't make any sense. That gargantuan Nurgle Lord takes an average of 36 Lascannon hits, 54 Bright Lance hits, or 108 Autocannon or Scatter Laser hits to bring down. The optimal weapon of course, is the Scatter Laser, but jesus fuck that's a lot of die rolling.

It really is, yes. All those rolls to hit. Then to Wound (note that the Nurgle one is the only one at T 9, which is (just) out of the "Can be Wounded at all by Heavy Bolters" phase but can still be nicked by various S 6 Eldar weapons). Then Feel No Pain. Then the Invulnerable Save. And maybe Regeneration later on.

So what you do, it being Apocalypse, is slap it about with Strength D weapons - once it hits, there's a 1/6 chance of "no effect", a 2/3 chance of 1d3+1 Wounds (no FnP, no Invulnerable Save), and a 1/6 chance of 1d6+6 Wounds (again, no FnP, no Invulnerable).

Looking through these lists, it is impossible for me to believe that any of this was playtested or even mathhammered, leaving me to wonder what the fucking point of any of it is.

Correct. I mean, the most obvious is their "clever" 666, 777, 888 and 999 for the Chaos Gods. It stands out, and leaves people going "just how close is it to their special number?" But most things in general are just "big number".

This book is a great example of the lack of playtesting and mathhammering. But Forgeworld in general are like that. Apocalypse in general is like that. And, let's be honest here, look at the special characters and "iconically good, of course it's good, look at this picture!" units, that's GW all over.

[erik]

At the price points these things are selling at, they don't need or want rules to be reasonable. They're just the pretense under which they are selling figurine works of art.

I mean, what are the odds that the two people in a continent who decide that spending money on these things is a good idea, also get together to play?

[Koumei]

For Forgeworld, that's true. But GW in general? If you go to a convention, most IG players are rocking multiple Vendettas. Chaos Meringue players will be bringing multiple Flying-Bastards (I forget the name) to the table. And so on and so forth. Because they're universally allowed and can also just be bought in any of the stores, people do immediately buy up broken or effective things - netlisting is a very real thing in 40k. Even to the point that some people buy the stuff without really knowing how to use it.

[Whipstitch]

I actually tend to like nurgle stuff if someone good with paints gets a hold of one. I'm weird though.

With that said, the death korps and more modern looking IG were always my faves.

[Koumei]

CRON-TIME!

Okay, so Necrons get a bunch of stuff in one of the other books too, so I won't be looking at those. But they look really awesome. The stuff they get in this is actually a bit lacklustre.

So the Tesseract Ark is a Heavy Support choice in normal games, at 250 points. It doesn't look that heavy:


But it has 4 Hull Points, and Armour 12 all round (which is actually 14 until you manage to Glance or Penetrate it). It's an Open-Topped Heavy Skimmer and also a Tank (so it can Tank Shock just fine) with Living Metal and Quantum Shielding. It also gets two tesla cannons, which can be swapped for gauss flayers or particle beamers.

It has a special weapon (the Tesseract Singularity Chamber) that does many things (all of which are lost if the weapon is destroyed):
-It grants a 5++
-Trying to assault or ram it forces a Dangerous Terrain test, and charging it is always a disordered charge (no charge bonuses)
-It also has a choice of three fire modes: long range S 7 AP 2 Heavy 3 Blast, S 3 AP 3 Heavy 1 Fleshbane Template, or "draw a 24 inch line, everything under it takes a hit at S 5 AP 4 Armourbane, makes terrain Difficult next turn".

If the weapon is destroyed, then roll 1d6: on a 4+ the Ark explodes.
If the Ark explodes (for any reason), the explosion is S 6 AP - to 6"

Overall, it's pretty decent. As expensive as a Land Raider, but it's a dedicated firing base with good defences.

Next up, we have pylons.


They look like these:

You probably know how they work already. Heavy Support, batteries of 1-3, cannot move, crewless Artillery, and you can upgrade it with It Will Not Die or Deep Strike.
Weapon choices are:
-Gauss Exterminator: 120" S 9 AP 2 Heavy 2, Gauss, Interceptor, Skyfire
-Heat Cannon: 36" S 10 AP 1 Heavy 2, Blast, Melta
-Focused Death Ray: nominate a point within 24", then a second point within 3d6" of that. Draw a straight line between the two. Any unit (friend or foe) underneath it suffers 2 hits per model tagged by the line. S 10 AP 1.

Now, they get their own Fortifications. Nifty.

90 pounds, 300 points, 2x2 feet. You can upgrade it with up to two gun emplacements (Tesla Destructors or Gauss Exterminators). You can also give it a Comms Relay. The really tall bit is the Ziggurat, which has an Eternity Gate (as a Monolith) and a Scarab Hive. Rolling a 1 for critters deals no damage, it just shuts the Hive down for the game. The thing is open terrain, except crossing onto or off of it is Difficult. Enemies that try to Derp Strike onto it suffer a mishap on any double.

You can dock a Pylon or Monolith on top of the Ziggurat, granting +1 strength to its weapons (a docked Monolith can't Gate). If the Ziggurat is destroyed, the thing on top of it takes a heavy hit.

Reanimation Protocols ("I'll Be Back" from old dex) reroll any roll of 1 on the area. It also has one Power Crucible, and if that isn't destroyed, the whole area (and units on it) enjoys a 3++. Enemies can't start on it, even through Scouting or Infiltrating.

For 500 points you can have TWO of them, stuck together.

In Apocalypse, you can have the City of the Dead: 1500 points for four of those bastards. Any enemy model that moves on or off the area suffers a S 4 AP 5 Gauss hit, as long as one Power Crucible remains. +1 S for each other one - so it goes up to S 7.

You also get a bonus Strategic Asset, that costs a point to use. You use a particle whip overload (requires 2+ Monoliths docked). Infinite range, S 9/10/D AP 3/2/1 Barrage 3/5/6 Gauss - the values are for 2, 3 or 4 docked Monoliths.

Now you have a Super Heavy Pylon:


It's immobile, Deep Strikes in, and can either fire a whole bunch of weak close range shots, or just a few long range Strength D Skyfire Interceptor shots. So yeah, you'll do that one. It gives nearby friends a 5++

If you take a big pylon and a bunch of little ones in a formation, they get a cover save. Yay.

Next will be Eldar.

[Koumei]

So it's time for the latest episode of...
ELFS IN SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE

Most of this is just reprinted and updated from older stuff, for the record. If you want new things for Eldar, you have their new Codex. If you hurry, you'll get it while it's still the newest Dex (Spaz Morans comes out soon, and while I'm not buying it or even polluting my hard drive with a download, someone should review it if only to laugh at the fucking stupid additions!)

So let's start with the penis. I mean, the Cobra.

Is this even worksafe?

It's a 675 point Superheavy Fast Skimmer with Titan Holo-Fields and a D-Impaler. I bet googling D-Impaler will get some very nsfw results. It's a 36" range Strength D Massive Blast that ignores Void Shields and Power Fields. Also there's a chance that the template remains for a turn, potentially hurting stuff that remains in the area.

But what if you fancy double-penetration? In that case, I give you... the SCORPION!

GET OVER HERE!

Only 650 points for basically the same chassis, but the weapon is 60" S D AP 2 Primary 2 with a 5" Blast. I guess what I'm saying is, get the Scorpion.

Now, for 730 points we have the Vampire Raider:


It's a Super-Heavy Flyer that holds 30 models (3 squads per turn can use the ramp). Hilariously though, it's Supersonic, so while it's listed as having Hover Mode, it can't actually use Hover Mode. What this means is the units can't use the ramp, and the only way to disembark is via the flaming wreckage when it explodes. I have some bad news for you on that front.

Anyway, it has a Scatter Laser and 2x Twin Pulse Lasers. It can swap those for 2x Twinned Phoenix Missile Launchers or for one Pulsar (see: the Scorpion), reducing the transport capacity to 20 (see the above thing about flaming wreckage).

Okay, we also have the Vampire Hunter. It looks similar enough that I won't show a picture, but notably it doesn't have a Stake Launcher and Preferred Enemy (Blood Angels). Vampire Hunter my ass.

It's a Super-Heavy Flyer with Hover Mode, and it is only Supersonic when ZOOOOOOOOOMing. Know what could have used that rule? The OTHER fucking Vampire. This one has no transport capacity, and has better guns. Same price. Get this one.

Next is the Atari Lynx. Oh wait, no, just the Lynx. 420 points.


Superheavy, Titan Holo-Fields, Pulsar or (pictured) Sonic Lance, blah blah blah. Slightly more interesting: each turn, you can choose for it to be a Superheavy Flyer (HAS to ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM and can't fire guns) or a Superheavy Fast Skimmer.

For 145 points in normal games, you can take a Wraithseer. Now, it's a Headquarters choice, but it cannot be your mandatory HQ choice - so you can't take it in an allied detachment, and if you take it in the main army, you need another HQ. Also you need at least one unit of Wraithblades or Wraithguard. It looks like this:


It's a Monstrous Creature (Character) with a decent statline, immunity to boltguns, 3+/5++ for its save, and a spear that gives it attacks at S 10 AP 2 Melee, Master-Crafted, re-roll failed Penetration rolls. It can grant Fleet to any unit that starts with the word "Wraith", or grant them FnP 5+, or cause a superpinning effect on enemies. It's not bad, honestly, and it can also buy a ranged weapon (cheapest is Shuricannon at +15, most expensive is Wraith Cannon at +40).

As a Heavy Support choice in normal games, they have the 145 point Warp Hunter:


Basically it's a Fast Skimmer Tank with a gun that has two S 7 AP 3 Distort profiles: a Heavy 1 Template and a Heavy 3 Blast Barrage

As a Fast Attack choice, you definitely should take a squadron of 1-3 Hornets. They're like Vyper Jetbikes (themselves pretty good), except better. At 70 points each.


Fast Skimmers with 2 HP and low armour, star engines, Scout, Acute Senses (reroll when outflanking) and if they move Flat Out they can still fire all their weapons (as Snap Shots, so hitting on 6es).

Each one has two Shuricannons, but each can be upgraded to Scatterlasers, Starcannons, Bright Lances or Pulse Lasers (+5 each) or Missile Launchers with Plasma and Starshot Missiles (+15 each). So um, yeah, don't take the missile launchers. They can also take Holo-Fields, Vectored Engines and Spirit Stones.

Understand that for 150 points you could rock out with two of these in one slot, each with a Shuricannon and a Bright Lance.

You can take a bunch of models and cram them into a Vampire Raider, and then for the whole game, they never suffer any penalties to Leadership because they're Corsairs, fuck yeah! Remember that the only way they touch the ground is by their lifeless corpses being flung at it from the massive explosion of their vehicle.

So in the next episode, they'll be getting goth makeup, tattoos, piercings and fishnet tops, because they're going all goth/emo. It will be the DARK eldar! (Two things that you can take in normal games, one formation, and that's seriously it.)

[Koumei]

Right, so I've done a burst of work, and now we're back in "waiting for things to do" mode. We could discuss how many dicks the opposition leader can help himself to*, or look at the Daily Mail for riveting newstabloid gossip and racism. Or I could cover Pale Space Drow.

Let's start with the Tantalus:


It's pretty massive, actually. And it's 215 points worth of Heavy Support - or a Dedicated Transport (so, "slotless") for an Archon's Court.

At BS 4, Armour 12/12/10 Hull 5 (as in, more than a Land Raider), it's the bulkiest, beefiest thing the Dark Eldar have, and it's pretty good in general. Yes, a bunch of bolters up the arse will plink it down, but it's a Fast Skimmer, why is that happening to you?

Yeah, it's a Fast Skimmer. And a Tank. And a Transport Vehicle (16 models). Open-Topped, which is generally good in this edition.

It has the Enhanced Aethersails for even more speed, Night Vision, Deep Strike, Aerial Assault, and also a Flickerfield (an Invulnerable Save). Its Scythevanes affect a single enemy unit (including vehicles) under its path when it moves Flat Out. Against vehicles, it's a single S 7 AP 2 Armourbane hit, and against non-vehicles, it's 1d6 S 7 AP 2 hits. It also gets +1d6 penetration when Ramming.

So it's a hard-to-kill fast-moving transport that can slash things up surprisingly well, but still not really worth 215. Good thing it has two Pulse-Disintegrators then, right? Each one is 36" S 5 AP 2 Heavy 6. So now it can vaporise Terminators and their ilk even without driving over them.

It can take a bunch of upgrades - the usual ones.

This is actually a very nice addition, and eyeballing it, I'd say it's appropriately priced. It's pretty good at a few things, isn't just unbeatable, can survive for a while (generally), and isn't so expensive that you can't justify ever taking one. But you probably won't be taking a whole bunch, partly for cost and partly because Heavy Support is also where your Monstrous Creatures, Ravagers (triple lance, baby!) and Flyers can be found.

Next-up, we have the Reaper:


It's a Heavy Support choice (again), at 135 points. Open-Topped Fast Skimmer, BS 4, 11/11/10 for armour, Hull 3. Aethersails, Night Vision, Aerial Assault. It can take a bunch of upgrades, but sadly it can't take a second gun: in an edition where "Weapon Destroyed" takes out a random weapon (of course it fucking does), you really benefit from chucking a +5 points weapon on top.

The gun that it does have, though, is pretty great. It has two settings:

• Money Shot: 24" S 5 AP 4 Heavy 1, 5" Blast, Haywire, Concussive
• Hard Thrust: 36" S 7 AP 3 Heavy 1, Concussive, Haywire, Killshock.

Those aren't the real names. Anyway, Killshock means it inflicts Instant Death on a 5 or 6 to Wound, and causes 1d3 Haywire rolls. So until you get Weapon Destroyed (or, for that matter, the vehicle turns to shrapnel), it's really awesome. If nothing else, slap a Flickerfield and/or Nightshield on it (+20 points) and enjoy some decent protection as enemies hurl disproportionate fire towards it.

Their formation is 2+ Tantalus full of Kabalite Warriors and 1+ Reapers. They all have to start in Reserve, and enter by Deep Strike. They don't scatter at all and can still move at Combat Speed when they land. Additionally, it has a special shooting attack, made by the Reapers. The range is 12", but you measure from any Reaper in the formation and the others can still join in. It's S 3 AP 4 Apocalyptic Barrage 1, Haywire, Pinning if one Reaper fires, and every additional Reaper adds +1 S and +1 to the rate of fire, to a maximum of S 10 Barrage 10. Ten Reapers is pricey - 1350 points before upgrades, and one hundred billion dollars (390GBP).

If I fall asleep in the next chapter, that's because it's Orks, and every single thing is just a scrap heap or a tin can hit man (a scrap heap with legs).

*Everyone in the office agrees: all of them

[Koumei]

Okay, let's move onto the wall of scrap... ORKS

First we have a Heavy Support (175points) choice, the Mega-Dread:

If you want the coloured version, just open this in your favourite graphics software and basically add a sepia tone to it.

It's heavily armoured, and has a Killkannon, two Big Shootas and either a Rippa Klaw (S 10 AP 2 Melee, re-roll to Penetrate Armour) or a Kill Saw (S 10 AP 2 Melee, re-roll to Wound). It also has a 5++. It can swap the kannon for another melee weapon, and can swap the melee weapon for another killkannon or a super-skorcha. The big shootas can be swapped for skorchas, kustom mega blastas or rokkit launchas. It can also purchase an item that, once per game, let's it roll 1d6 with a 1/6 chance of getting Immobilised and a 5/6 chance of being Fleet for the turn.

Next, for 180 points as a Heavy Support, is the Kustom Meka-Dread. If you think all the Dread variants are stupid, you're right, but remember that Space Marines are just as bad.


Well armoured, 2 melee weapons as above, grot riggers, 5++, and fixing klaws (which let it repair itself or other vehicles, and grant it an extra attack on the charge). It has to take either the maybe-fleet thing, a bomb-barrage that sometimes runs out of ammo, or an expensive Kustom Force Field. It can also swap one melee weapon for a rattler kannon (lots of weak shots), a a big zzapa (anti-tank... at BS 2) or shunta (blast, anti-tank)

Next in Heavy Support is the 225 point Lifta Wagon:


It uses the Battlewagon chassis, but has the big lifta-droppa (as seen above). It can hold six models and can take the usual upgrades. The weapon itself is pretty haxx outside of Apocalypse, if it hits. It's BS 2 so chances are it spends 1 turn getting into range, then 1-2 turns missing, then suddenly hits and blows a land raider up or whatever. You target a vehicle with no more than 4 HP (as the starting number - plinking a Baneblade down to 4 does not count). If you hit, roll 1d6. On a 1, you suffer a mishap and consult a RANDOM TABLE!
(1 Explodes, 2 take a Penetrating hit and all nearby models take a weak hit from radiation, 3-4 take a Glancing Hit, 5 re-roll and apply it to the Lifta-Droppa, 6 re-roll and the opponent selects the target)
On a 2-5. the vehicle scatters 1d6" away then suffers 1d3 Glancing Hits. So yeah, is likely to crumple if it's taken a Glance already.
On a 6 it scatters 2d6" then Explodes.

It can take up to two secondary weapons, and you will do that to help negate Weapon Destroyed.

The next Heavy choice you get is the Big Squiggoth:


Okay, so Orks should have had a massive squig as HS right from the word go. I would have just made it a big squig (so, a space hopper), with "Attacks: 1 per adjacent model" or "Attacks: the enemy unit", Regeneration, gaining Strength every time it eats a unit, and its Movement would be a series of connected blast templates (that deal damage). So it would look like what Gargantuans now look like. But cooler.

Anyway, this isn't that. It's a Monstrous Creature that costs 180 points and has WS 2 BS 2 S 6 T 7 W 6 I 1 A 2 Ld 5 Sv 3+ and so you want to specifically use an Instant Death effect against it to save yourself the time. So like any unit at all if you run Grey Knights. Most things with Hammer of Wrath (Jump Infantry, Bikes?, Monstrous Creatures) get 1 free attack before a charge (so they move, make an attack, then the proper fighting happens). This one gets 1d3+1. And at S 6 (HoW doesn't use Wargear, so your Power Fist doesn't apply. This doesn't HAVE that kind of wargear, it's just massive), so that's promising.

It is Fearless when carrying 5+ models or within 3" of 5+ friendly models. Yes, it's an Open-Topped transport that carries 15 dudes. It also sort of has Rampage: once it's lost a Wound, it has Rampage, but gets +1d6 A instead of +1d3. It can be given a Kannon, Lobba or Zzap Gun. Also you can buy Snakebite Combat Drugs for it. The effects require you to *O** O* A *A**O* *A**E. I'll give you the vowels for free. You do this at the start of the game, and either it takes 1 Wound, or it gains Fleet, Preferred Enemy (Infantry), Feel No Pain 5+ or the ability to reroll the number for Rampage and Hammer of Wrath if it wants. Or on a 6, roll again twice (reroll any further sixes, you can only suffer the Wound once).

So it's quite the beast, really. I suggest not afflicting it with a random table, but buying a weapon isn't a bad idea.

For Fast Attack now, you can take a Grot Mega-Tank, as long as you have a Grot Tank Battle Mob (introduced as an Elite choice in... some other book). It's 70 points and looks like this:


Note that the model sticking its head out comes up to the knees of most infantry. The tank is only massive in comparison to the people in it.

So, it has five guns (and can take up to two single-shot large blasts), with the strongest and most expensive being kustom mega-blastas. It also has a 5++, but not against Ordnance and Destroyer weapons - basically, it has so many extra useless parts that you can't be sure the thing you shot off even means anything, but the mega attacks just blow it to smithereens.

For movement, it's either 2d6" and fire everything, or 3d6" and fire nothing. Each turn you want to shoot, roll 1d6. On a 1, a fight breaks out amongst the krew and you can't shoot at all. On a 2+, you can fire everything, picking different targets for each weapon if you so wish.

Finally we reach the super heavy shit. Kustom Battle Fortress, 355 points:

I was tempted to just grab a picture of a tin can or something.

It's like a slightly shitty Baneblade (drink once) with a transport capacity of 30, and it can be loaded up with a massive variety of big guns. Whatever.

Kill Krusha, 275 points:


It has a big weapon that has four different types of shell, but it has a chance via

random table

to blow itself up or always choose "I'M FIRING THE GENERIC BIG BLAST!"

It's probably the shell you'll usually choose anyway, but sometimes you actually want the Hellstorm Rending Shredding one, or the Armourbane S 10 AP 2 one, or the weaker Massive Blast one.

This is a Kill Bursta:

Any questions? No? Good.

This is a Kill Blasta:


If you throw a bunch of Mega-Dreads together (any equipment), then when 2 or more are in combat with a building, vehicle or super-heavy, they can all re-roll to Penetrate.

If you take a bunch of tanks that start with Kill, they get to reroll any roll of 1 to hit. Note that the biggest weapons mostly use blasts, so this is mainly for sponson weapons.

I'm glad that chapter is over. Next will be Tau, where we reprint some stylish vehicles that are all named after sea creatures on Earth. It's a short chapter, so I might even combine it with the following (and final) short chapter, the Tyranids.

[Koumei]

THE TAU
Isn't that a Chinese philosophy/religion?

Anyway, here we have the Tiger Shark, a super-heavy Flyer:


It costs 520 points, about that many dollars as well (okay, 150GBP), and despite being a Fighter-Bomber, it doesn't drop bombs. Although it does have a missile pod (not a blast weapon), and can drop units of gun drones, so I guess that's close enough.

For 660 points you could instead take the Tiger Shark AX-1-0:


See the massive gun? That's a heavy railgun that can fire at Strength D, or at a S 7 AP 3, 10" Blast.

The 300 point Orca Dropship doesn't look like the others:


It's a Superheavy Flyer with a huge transport capacity.

Nine hundred pounds and two thousand points can net you a Manta:


Size comparison:


It's a superheavy flyer that is so big that you can roll to hit it normally when shooting, it has a 4++, and it can basically carry an entire army.j Yes, it has a lot of guns, including two heavy railguns.

Formation: 2+ of Tiger Shark AX-1-0. Against one predetermined Super Heavy target, they have a chance of punching through Power Fields/Void Shields. If they destroy this priority target, they get extra VP.

TYRANIDS:

So remember the Barbed Hierodule? Here's the Scythed one:


It's a Gargantuan and costs 535 points. It re-rolls all failed attack rolls in close combat, and has a Marine-killing Hellstorm weapon.

Here's a choice for HQ, the Malanthrope Brood:


1-3 of them at 110 each. They used to be Infantry, then they became Monstrous Creatures, now they're Infantry again. I *think* this is the first time they're in broods though. They used to have Anaphylaxis: all wounds cause Instant Death (with poor wording implying that there's no To Wound roll, no saving throws of any kind etc.) Now they don't, they just have Poison 4+, a 3+ save, Miasma, Regeneration and Synapse. No, it's the basic crappy Miasma, not the useful Venomthrope toxic mists.

They have Prey Adaption as well. Not adaptation, adaption, and Firefox says that's not a real word. It can grant itself and nearby units the Preferred Enemy rule by killing things.

Remember the massive Hierophant? There are some optional upgrades for it (of which it may take only one). This includes an awesome area-damage effect for foes that hit it in close combat, a transport capacity (as an Assault Vehicle, so they can assault off it), a burst of skyfire (at only S 7 though), a Hellstorm Bio-Plasma effect (S 5 AP 3 Soul Blaze, Blind), or a spire mine swarm cluster - an Apoc. Barrage.

Then there's the Steel-Crusher Swarm, for 1 or more Scythed Hierodules. So if you take even one of them, you use this formation, okay? If they charge a super-heavy (including walkers), then roll 1d6 before combat and add +1 for each member of the unit past the first. 1 does nothing special, 2-5 causes a penetrating hit before the fight, 6 deals 1d3+1 Hull Points of damage.

And that is IA: Apocalypse (double super new edition plus alpha, on ice!)

[fectin]

Someone suggested playing skirmishes on top of the manta. That seemed pretty sweet, if a little pricey.

On the plus side, that model carries and comes with four hammerheads and (iirc) 8 full firewarrior squads.

[Koumei]

So there's a new Apocalypse extra book by GW, and I am not going to buy it. I'm not even going to download it, nor wander into a store, flip through it, remember stuff and report back here. It's a Warzone and has its own Unnatural Disasters. Also, it's Newcrons versus Ultra Marines.

For the record, the new Space Marines Codex doesn't actually have "Generic Space Marines". You have to choose a chapter, even if it's just to Counts-As or "a successor chapter of _____". Obviously Ultra Marines are pretty generic though (but arguably, White Scars have the best Chapter Traits, followed by Salamanders). So the book is not "Newcrons versus Space Marines", it's actually Ultra Marines, no you can't use your Black Templars, Iron Hands or whatever.

They get some new formations (including re-releasing some old Space Marine ones like the Land Speeder + Whirlwinds, and there IS a triple-deathray-flyer Necron one, whoo!)

I can assure you it's crap, and there might be all of ten pages you'd actually use in a game, and the rest you are unlikely to actually read.

[OgreBattle]

Man, now you've got me looking over my Sci-Fantasy Tabletop Battling heartbreaker again....

Did you ever do your own "I can do better than GW" tabletop game rules?

[Koumei]

No, for a few reasons:
1. I'm not really interested in tabletop wargames. I'm really only interested in the backstory, the art, list-building and the assembly-and-painting part of the hobby. Playing the game, not so much.
2. I don't actually have my own production factory for minis.
3. Even if I did, it doesn't matter because people play Skubhammer and Skubmachine and fuck you if you want something else.*
4. Let's say I did hang out with people who played - like back when I was in Victoria, some people were into wargames. I could have converted a handful of people over to something, but they don't like the only interesting bit (painting), and would just want to proxy on cardboard boxes and play the game.

I have done fandexes and special characters for 40k before. And if you're interested in actually playing tabletop games, you could check out PL's idea.

*I have pledged to two skirmish games on kickstarter: BoobyRelic Knights and Wrath of Kings. I'll just paint them up, I don't intend on playing. But I'll review them when I get the books.