I Forgot THAT OTHER GUY
Dwarf Man Was the OTHER other player. He is pretty much one of those guys who play's dwarfs. I'm pretty sure he was playing a dwarf fighter, all drunk and axes and such. And was everything you might expect from that. But he doesn't become particularly important until later.
They Called Me A Crazy Cat Lady But WHO IS LAUGHING NOW!?
OK So I joined the group for the first time. And being a 2nd edition group they are a distrustful and paranoid lot. They are unsure if I understand the rules, LESS sure if I understand their "philosophy" of how to properly play "awesome" 2nd edition (the one true REAL D&D), and uncertain as to whether they want a stranger around their sacred hobby table (actually cramped dining table in small old house in bad part of town).
So. On arrival I was told hey, don't go making a character. We will provide you with one!
I got a female elven fighter/mage. With at least 18/00 strength and I think at least 1 more 18 and certainly at least a 16 and 15 and nothing under a 12 (hell maybe not even that low). This character belonged to the "Girl Who Was Never There".
When I questioned the seeming super powers, and awesome elven chain and magic swords and such, much of which appeared to be part of a never used and neglected inventory. I was told "Yeeaaahh... whatshername is pretty terrible at surviving the game so we sort of gave her giant awesome stats. She mostly tends to stand around at the back and cast spells very ineffectively".
One way or another, between stats and equipment she was a giant combat machine. I was unsure what the hell I could responsibly do with such a character.
I'm a super powered Elf Chick and Darth Maul is my Super Powered Elf Chick Twin Sister
Now Darth Maul is new to the group too, not as new as me, but he remains on "questionable status" and is using I think Fat Lady's character, an elf girl with similarly giant stats to mine, a similar multi-class dealio, and a similar tendancy to stand up back MAYBE casting spells ineffectively. Who I am informed is like "maybe your twin sister or something, LETS NOT GO INTO THAT whatever it doesn't matter and it's sort of weird now with you two guys and all..."
COME FORTH... Kitten Kong!
Soo... I'm like perusing my character sheet during travel and minor encounters that amount to basically nothing much. Since it appears to contain many a hidden disused gem.
So I say "Wait... what's my familiar then?"
Group in general : "Er What familiar?"
Me : "My Familiar, my spell book, which is pretty damn lame otherwise, has Summon Familiar in it"
DM : Oh yeah, that, she found it on some useless random scroll or something...
Me : So... she hasn't cast it yet, I mean it's pretty cheap and I have the time, I think I'll go off give it a shot right now...
To which the group in general was "Summon a Familiar!", "Are you MAD!". See a familiar is a weakness the GM will exploit to deal you serious damage. They in fact believe the DM will kill it, and that it's death will instantly kill me. Now I don't any longer recall the arcane workings of 2nd edition familiars, but I'm pretty sure it was con damage and maybe a save, and I had ludicrous con and saves and such so I was all "screw it, I could take it if it came to that, and THIS FAMILIAR WILL BE USEFUL!"
OH HOW THEY SCOFFED!
One way or another. I summoned a Cat. I cannot recall what I called it, probably "Cat 1".
Assault on Cult Compound Hill
Now the game is in Forgotten Realms, and we were up to, I dunno, something, as part of some big meta plot adaption of something forgotten realmsish I never cared about, and it was a big old mess because most of the party has about zero co-operation with the GM, or each other, or encounters and attempts to survive them.
For, whatever, reason (it was deeply unclear), we found ourselves outside of a compound of what may or may not have been evil cultists. I have no idea how we even got there, because frankly determining where we were going and deciding to go there seemed largely beyond the group. Regardless, we were there.
And we were pretty sure they were evil cultists. There was certainly agreement among at least three of us that we wanted to be sure of that, because some killing things would be nice. More responsible parties, probably in the form of the Fat Lady, were not there to stop Darth Maul steroid pumped elf girl, me (Darth Mauls Twin Steroid pumped Sister), and Dwarf Guy with the axing fever. Doormat probably had some elaborate plan to sneak somewhere that would turn out to be useless and too far away to help the fight.
Their compound was on a hill in the forest.
I'm not entirely sure why we attacked, or when, someone might have gone in. Hell I think we may even have talked to the "cultists" and found no particular notable genuine evidence of anything.
But however it happened combat was on.
Which was odd, because even though we WERE finally in a fight... the group was largely trying to avoid interacting with it. With the possible exception of Darth Maul who's elf girl was out to prove her manliness, largely by shooting something somewhere, I think she'd gone round the back way, probably with Doormat (the probably Thief) then decided to archery up some guards. I was all up for that with my elf girl too.
I think the conversation went a bit like this.
Me : So... at this entrance there are like two guards who aren't particularly alert? At the gate, on the hill?
DM : Yeah but they are like Way far away...
Me : So... have you ever seen that scene in Monty Python and the Holy Grail? I'm pulling a Lancelot.
DM : What?
Me : I'm running right at them then I'm gonna slaughter them with my +more than it should be elven long sword.
DM : But they are way over there, and probably have crossbows and stuff
Me : Don't care, I've got crazy AC, crazy HP, and a crazy sword
DM : It's kinda out of character, steroid elf chick usually stays up back and never does anything, occasionally casts magic missile or shoots a bow or something...
Me : Uhuh, well, elf girl has suddenly realised her sword is way awesome and is charging to close combat however many turns of running that requires. You coming with me Dwarf Axe Dude?
Dwarf Guy : Oh hell no, I'm staying here and drinking and watching the show, this should be hilarious you are going to go down like a ton of bricks, blind charge, hahaha... ridiculous...
Me : dumdedumudedumdmdud
GM : Well you're undamaged and you've slaughtered those guys...
Me : I go straight through the open gate into the compound
Dwarf Guy : Ah crap I guess I better stop drinking and follow into combat... NEEDLESSLY SLOWLY THOUGH, make sure it's needlessly slowly, because that's how I'm doing it, while grumbling, and maybe still drinking more alcohol.
ANYWAY. Everyone else ends up in combat around the place... and I pay little attention, just charging randomly through rooms making guards explode on contact. Each new room/door is 'I lancelot it!", as I search for the missing friends who are SUPPOSED to be fighting or in peril or something in here, or the evil plot, or sacrificial captives needing rescue, or treasure, or whatever the hell it was.
The originally small compound seems unusually large and hard to navigate, presumably largely as the DM seems fairly intent on me not joining any allies at any point, I swear I ran through enough rooms to go through that place and out the other side three times over.
The Inevitable Trap
Now it is against 2nd edition philosphy to reward success. In fact, succeeding, much less succeeding through means of Lancelotting, is to be PUNISHED. I knew that. But Lancelotting was the most fun I'd had so far with this group. So...
My elf girl storms into a room.
There are no enemies to sword at.
There is a pedestal with a magical orb or something on it being all tempting.
DM : Would you like to take it?
Me : Not right now, I'm lancelotting...
DM : It's very shiny and tempting, maybe you should touch it?
Me : I think not, I'm lancellotting back out of this obvious trap and leaving it until there are no lancellotting targets left.
DM : Er... THE WHOLE ROOM IS A GREATER MIMIC!
![Bored :bored:](./images/smilies/dozey.gif)
Now... we have encountered nothing on that scale before. This compound is not on that scale. The character's are not all that high a level. A greater mimic is kinda a big deal. And I'm pretty sure he did it wrong.
But, well, bugger it, I'm a roided up elf girl, so I lay into it. And to be honest, much to the DMs chagrine I did a CRAP load of damage before it eventually knocks my elf girl unconsious.
Around about the time that the rest of the PCs have finally got their asses in gear and cleared out the compound. But, being asses, are not looking for their missing group member. It's fairly clear that basically elf girl is going to bleed out or get eaten or whatever before (if ever) rescue turns up.
Being all too cunning and familiar with how 2nd ed style likes to do things I go...
Me : So... where is my cat even at? cause maybe my cat could first aid me or something...
DM :Er... ... .... AHAHA, it can't, it's outside the mimic!
Me :Oh dear then I guess it will just have to attack it...
Now I have no idea if a cat should even be able to do that, but well, it wouldn't be the last ridiculous ruling if he did get that wrong.
But the cat, well, it's stats aren't all that bad. And the mimic, giant pile of HP that it apparently had was waaaay low. (possibly it didn't even have a HP total until, oh dear the ajillionty HP damage you dealt before KO was just 9 short[/b] happened, I mean, it WAS second edition...
But the HP did now have a number, and a low one.
So my cat killed it.
Plinked it down with cat scratches while barely surviving, in a nick of time saving Elf Girl On Steroids.
The other PCs turned up like ONE turn after the cat did it's work. Having begun and hastened their search the moment it looked like the cat might actually WIN and damnit they wanted to turn up to steal the glory, or maybe the XP, or perhaps the treasure.
ANYWAY. It was rather a lot of fun. If a bit confusing for some people involved around the table. I'd pulled some stuff that they maybe might find confronting as traditional 2nd ed players, but apparently in a fun way as at the very least dwarf guy and doormat thought it was hilarious.
And so it was generally agreed I could have my own character now. Oh and Darth Maul who had been coming for longer could have one too...
But all in all that may have been more in order to take the elfen super woman out of my hands (and her twin away from Darth Maul, who emboldened by my lancellotting had been pulling off similar by the end of the encounter).
In the long run it may not have worked out so great. Since it eventually led me to one of my most ridiculous characters ever. In the short term however it led to a depressing career in...
Being A Character From Obscure Italian Cinema... next time...