advice on an unfulfilling relationship?

[Count Arioch the 28th]

Oh, well if your job gives you so few hours, you should get another one maybe. I went through a similiar position, except my partner wasn't working any jobs, my current one was a 40+ hour a week job, and I didn't get to sleep two days out of the week because of the second job. And I was also accused of being sexist because I expected her to get off the computer away from her 16 hour everquest raiding to go grocery shopping instead of cutting into my sleep to go with her. Because it doesn't matter if the man is working two jobs, sleeping 5 out of 7 days, and she is sitting on her ass playing video games all day and not working, the man has to do 50% of all the housework!

[Prak]

and to think, things were going better...


Let's see, tonight she got all bitchy over doing some fucking grocery shopping, she wanted to do it tonight, I wanted to get just a few things tonight since we don't have a car and would have to carry everything, but will be borrowing my mother's car Thursday. She thought I was just making the decision, when I was probably just suggesting it, or asking what her plan was. She wound up storming off in a huff to do it herself because she was so pissed at me. I was perfectly happy to do it with her, in fact she originally planned for me to do it and I asked her to come with me, because I wanted her to...

So she gets back, is still upset, more so now because she was so upset she forgot to grab a TV dinner for her to have for dinner tonight.

Then she whips out the accusations, specifically that I don't pay enough attention to her. Wanna know where that came from? When she got home from work today, she decided she wanted to go swimming and asked if I was going to come down with her(in that, "we're going swimming" way) and I said I didn't feel like going swimming. Apparently watching tv together, or a movie together is completely different from spending time together

[Neeeek]

My advice:

Either go on vacation for a week or have her go on vacation for a week. Or just get away from each other, the details don't matter.

If you find yourself experiencing an intense feeling of relief at the lack of her being around, break it off. If not, you aren't doing as badly as you think.

[JonSetanta]

Yet still, all I see is

Prak: "I'm not happy when I am with my girlfriend."

Rent with other guys and have your significant other visit because it seems she is not emotionally stable enough to live away from family yet.

But on the other hand, go swimming over a movie any day if you had a decent portion of unalloted time that day.... as long as it's warm. You're young and need the activity, unless your job is physically taxing. Hell, if your job is mentally stressful like some of my more recent ones, swimming (or even just piddling around in the water) is a great relaxation.
You have a long life of TV watching ahead of you so use your body now.
Yet, if it was sprung upon you that she decided to go swimming (as in; on the drive over) rather than planned for it, plans > spontaneous any day. IMHO. Or at least, I don't know how you fare with it, but I can't adapt to change that quickly.

I do suspect that it wasn't the activity of swimming/or not that made you decline, but the way in which she told you (not asked if you wanted to or not).
It doesn't seem like this is the first, or the least, spat about a supposed minor event. Her frustration does seem to add up over time, and while you might not be keeping mental score, she just might be the person to do so.

So, rather than end up in stalemate, if you really don't want to end this (painful, repetitive) strife, when she comes up with a spontaneous urge to do something, PLAN FOR IT LATER. Like the next day or the weekend.
Write it down on a calendar. Put a sticky note on your wall or something to remind you. Write it with marker on your arm.
Then prepare, tell her how much you look forward to doing it while she's at work, and then follow through with the plan.
Then you can watch your telly when you get back.
The more you hold promise and assure her that there is stability with you the more she will (if sane) relax about minor incidents.

[Username17]

My advice:

Either go on vacation for a week or have her go on vacation for a week. Or just get away from each other, the details don't matter.

If you find yourself experiencing an intense feeling of relief at the lack of her being around, break it off. If not, you aren't doing as badly as you think.

I would point out that when you walk a dog, it's happy to leave the house and it's happy to come home. If you spend some time without your girlfriend, you will feel a feeling of relief.

The question is really whether you experience joy and relief when you come back to her.

-Username17

[Bigode]

Apparently watching tv together, or a movie together is completely different from spending time together.

Most people have desires of varied activity. Understand that. BTW, while I certainly won't fault anyone for wanting to watch stuff, or for not wanting to swim, doing only the former's about one of the worst things you could make. Had you a girlfriend or not, go look for something else; doubly important if watching isn't cutting it for her.

[Maj]

and to think, things were going better...

Pointless observation: You don't really come to these boards and post about how you could be getting along better with your girlfriend. You come and post about how irritating she is, how things are sucking, how frustrating she is. You make lots of little asides about how inconvenient or thoughtless she is, but you're not making an effort to understand her perspective.

Why is she mad? What is she actually bitching at your for? What is her actual goal in saying whatever she's saying?

If the answer to these questions is "She's mentally messed up and psycho," then you need to get out of the relationship. Not because she's annoying (which may or may not be true), but because you are no longer interested in putting forth the effort required to maintain the relationship. And, if you couldn't tell, that's a sign that things will never go anywhere because you don't want them to.

Let's see, tonight she got all bitchy over doing some fucking grocery shopping, she wanted to do it tonight, I wanted to get just a few things tonight since we don't have a car and would have to carry everything, but will be borrowing my mother's car Thursday. She thought I was just making the decision, when I was probably just suggesting it, or asking what her plan was. She wound up storming off in a huff to do it herself because she was so pissed at me. I was perfectly happy to do it with her, in fact she originally planned for me to do it and I asked her to come with me, because I wanted her to...

Why did she want to do it today when she didn't have access to a car? Was there something she needed for something she had planned? Did she think you needed the exercise?

People don't generally say they want to do something without having a motivation behind it. It is her responsibility as a partner in a relationship to attempt to make that reason clear. It is your responsibility as a partner in a relationship to attempt to learn what it is should she fail.

Wanna know where that came from? When she got home from work today, she decided she wanted to go swimming and asked if I was going to come down with her(in that, "we're going swimming" way) and I said I didn't feel like going swimming. Apparently watching tv together, or a movie together is completely different from spending time together

Absofuckinglutely they're different. In fact, my husband's old high school buddies had this exact conversation last weekend when they all got together. One of them suggested they get a movie to watch, and the resounding response was no. Why? Because when you're watching TV or a movie, you're not interacting with the other person. You're co-existing, but you're not being together.

[Crissa]

It's time together, not time interacting.

-Crissa

[Josh_Kablack]

so I feel I can't talk to her about these things

Run.