Mixed Martial Arts

[JonSetanta]

You're a lady?

I was born male and identify as male.
Hypersexuality derived from trauma is an addiction that affects either sex.

[erik]

As far as interacting with this forum specifically, a friend in the NSA took a look here years ago and said something along the lines of "They're all assholes."

That's surprising.

In that I do not generally expect that degree of competence from US intelligence services.

Nah. I'm pretty sure they can smell their own.

Also, obligatory...

[Cynic]

True story.

I cast Shrivelling and learned how to fight like Sigma. Then I took on and learned my limits as I went three rounds with a a strange flying stalk like growth. This cancerous creature tested my mind and my very physical being but I put it in a headlock and made it tap out. It wasn't over though. Little did I realize that there were greater dangers in that very location. I was sent through a swirling garish green gate to a flat plateau. Fighting the champion of the people who lived in this place of incomprehensible madness. But after fighting a flying carcinoma, this simple villager was nothing. I awed these men with their caprine deformities and to appease me, they gave me tribute in the form of an obsidian statue and knowledge about that gate that so resembled the shape of a gibbous moon.

--

True story. Nothing like these flights of fantastickal played by Sigma or Jigoku. I expected better from you both.

[JigokuBosatsu]

Cynic, you wound me. I'm just a domestic abuse survivor and loopy pedantic writer, not a globe trotting ninja assassin with satyriasis.

[Darth Rabbitt]

Cynic, you are still but a rank amateur compared to me. My story is a simple one, and I assure you that it is the truth:

I was born approximately 1000 years ago in what is now known as Atlantis. Being a human-dinosaur hybrid descended from the legendary Raptor Jesus, I craved more than the sheltered royal life. I vowed to take over the world, much as my ancestor did spiritually. I went off to a Tibetan monastery to study ancient fighting arts. I ate my master, thus gaining his powers; this did not go well with my fellow students, who sentenced me to death for my treachery. I killed hordes of monks but could not defeat all of their ranks. The last of the disciples, a man by the name of Loft the Enchanter, rushed me in a final counterattack, tossing me off the mountain peak. A lesser man would have died, but my kung-fu dinosaur powers made me survive, buried under an avalanche.

Encased in ice, I was thawed out by Yetis, who used their advanced technology to rebuild me as a cyborg. Finding that my homeland had been destroyed, I sought revenge, and after a long battle I found out that the destruction of Atlantis had been the brainchild of my former rival in the monastery. Having become a lich, Loft was now a powerful opponent, but he could not drain the life from my cybernetically enhanced body. Alas, I could not find his phylactery, and thus decided to train further for his inevitable return. I traveled the world, learning new fighting styles and eating my masters, until I finally felt that I had learned all there was to. My plan for world domination would begin here.

I honed my skills as a conqueror by playing games of Risk. One day, I challenged Rasputin. He grew pissed, suggesting we play Mario Kart instead. I wanted to play the SNES Mario Kart, and he wanted to play 64, so we decided to settle it in Mortal Kombat. Finding ourselves tied, our battle turned to passionate lovemaking. We soon became the best of friends. In our spare time, we tripped giraffes with our dicks. For a while this was enough for me; having found happiness, I abandoned my plans for world domination and readied to start a goat farm together with him. Once he died at the hands of Loft the Enchanter, however, I realized that I had to carry out my destiny. It was time to stop him once and for all.

I got out my katana and readied for war. Hoping to make it to WWI, I got lost for 35 years and instead made it to WWII, where I fought off armies of Nazi zombies that had been raised by my nemesis. After destroying the hordes, Loft himself appeared in the engineered Aryan superman body of Zombie Hitler, being approximately 20 meters tall and on fire. He was a powerful foe indeed, but he was ultimately no match for my stunlocking power, or my use of the Konami Code to get 30 lives. I leveled him up to 99 and fought him every day for 10 years, beating him by telling him his shoe was untied and then breaking his neck. Why he fell for this repeatedly I have no idea. Eventually I found his phylactery (a set of chopsticks he wore in his hair) and destroyed them by them into his eye sockets. This caused the entirety of his European castle to self-destruct, and I fled to the hole in which I live now, never to look back. The raw killing power I possess has made me realize the hollowness of ruling the world. Occasionally I go out and punch out bears for shits and giggles, but if I do this too often the locals get pissed and I like to keep a low profile.

[JonSetanta]

I am actually a product of Illuminati Monarch programming, born immortal and destined for greatness. Nations tremble at my arrival.

I punched Cthulhu back into his catacomb and wear the shroud of Turin as my boxers.