The Art of Insults

[TavishArtair]

Now, I realize that places such as this, and the Internet in general, are rife with disagreements. These disagreements can get quite vociferous. However, it is polite to exhibit some courtesy when you are busy pointing out that someone is a sub-sapient blowhard. We are a people of etiquette and decency. There are rules, you moronic nitwit, to follow, if you wish for your insult to be appreciated for its qualities.

First, and foremost, your insult must be topical. While merely accusing someone of lacking the intellectual capabilities of a genius such as yourself is a good starting point, you need to relate this to their inability to see eye to eye with you. Accordingly, rather than merely fling a torrent of insults in their general direction, take precise aim at what they have done to earn such bile. Otherwise, no one is going to be able to place your insult in context, and without that they may not, frankly, care about you screeching like the baboon you are. Gentleman or lady baboon, that is.

Second, and related to the first, is that you need to focus on their character, of course. If someone is being evil, then the comparison to Hitler can certainly follow. If they are being stupid, then you can relate them to George W. Bush. If they are both, then perhaps an analogy to Dick Cheney or some other character might be in line. But if you do not first pay close enough attention, you will not be capable of making such comparisons, and your addle-headed demeanor will demonstrate that you are about as effective in a conversation as someone playing darts blindfolded. While drunk.

Thie third is most important, however. There are many qualities of someone's life that are mostly decided by nature, or the cruelty of the world. Their socioeconomic standing, for instance, is off-limits unless you want to show the world what a churlish knave you are. Likewise, the many things that a person has had decided for them by nature, such as being a man, woman, both, neither, black skin, white skin, blue skin, sleeps with women, sleeps with men, sleeps with aliens, sleeps with predators, red hair, black hair, indigo hair, brown hair, blonde hair, prismatic hair, or otherwise. As we all know, intelligence can be found in much great abundance in creatures other than your blithering species, and any given phenotype is lucky if it even meets par with a dog's brain. As such, it's not worth comment, and the only reason to mention it is to try to make an exceedingly low-class insult, which stings only because it wastes their time to read it. If you do not observe this restriction, then your input is worth no more than that of a demented syphilitic toad.

As we can see, there are many points to the craft of insults that must be observed in order to make them worthwhile and give your barb true venom. Without, we descend to the level of myopic marsupials giving a bad name to our species by artlessly ejaculating our ire over internet forums, messengers, and sites. I hope these rules of decorum have been explained sufficiently for your malformed monkey brain.

[Koumei]

You made a typo, your argument is invalid.

Of course I'm being stupid on purpose here.

[CatharzGodfoot]

You made a typo, your argument is invalid.

You mean "you're argument".

[TOZ]

Does someone have a windmill in there beard?

[Maxus]

Does someone have a windmill in there beard?

Beards are so last year. Now, you have to have a windmill in your mustache.

[TOZ]

Does this count?

[Maxus]

Does this count?

Yes.

[Prak]

Obviously, he knew the Internet art of insult, laying about a black man with a windmill in his moustache and possibly saying "Pool's closed on account of aids"

[Josh_Kablack]

English is full of great insults. I lost my old list, but here are some of the G-rated ones I can remember

A
Addled
Airhead
Antique
Ape
B
Bankrupt
Bastard
Blimp
C
Cad
Cheap
Cheat
Churl
Coward
D
Deviant
Dimbulb
Dopey
Dullard
Dummy
Dunce
Dupe
E
Eflueient
Elephantine
Embarassment
Empty-headed
F
Failure
Farce
Fluffy
Fool
Fraud
G
Gluttonous
Gobslotch
Good-for-nothing
Grimey
H
Halfwit
Hick
Hillbilly
Hog
I
Imbicile
Idiot
J
Jackanape
Jerk
Joke
Juvenille
K
Knave
Knock-Kneed
Kook
L
Lamewad
Liar
Lily-Livered
Limpwristed
Loser
Lowborn
M
Miser
Monkey
Moron
Mouthbrether
Muscleboud
N
Nimrod
Nincompoop
Noxious
N'eer-do-well
O
Oaf
Obstacle
Obnoxious
Odious
Odiforous
Ogre
P
Pansy
Parasite
Philanderer
Pig
Q
Quidnunc
Quitter
Quixote
R
Rackateer
Rascal
Reactionary
Regressive
Red-Headed-Stepchild
Repulsive
Repugnant
Retard
S
Savage
Serville
Short-bus
Simpleton
Slob
Slovenly
Slatern
Slimeball
Slow
Smelly
Spastic
Specious
Special-ed
Stinky
Square
Stupid
T
Tart
Thief
Troll
Trollop
Tyrant
U
Ugly
Unappealing
Uncivilized
Unctuous
V
Vaccous
Vagabond
Vermin
Vile
Villain
W
Wanker
Waste
Worm
X
Xanthippe
Xenophobic
Y
Yellow-bellied
Yahoo
Yes-man
Z
Zealot
Zero
Zipperhead
Zombie

[Avoraciopoctules]

Personally, I am rather fond of "loathsome".

[Guyr Adamantine]

I usually use ''cretin''.

[angelfromanotherpin]

Submoron.

[TOZ]

Ralph Nader.

[Neeeek]

Hmm. Anyone got a good way of describing someone who thinks a "diatribe" is a group of people?

[CatharzGodfoot]

Hmm. Anyone got a good way of describing someone who thinks a "diatribe" is a group of people?

"witless"

[K]

nvm

[mean_liar]

I've always been fond of "nitwit", but only in spoken conversation for whatever reason.

[Rejakor]

Excellent list!

It's true, the art of insult has been lost. Mainly because if you use anything other than 'shit', 'fuck', 'crap', or 'jesus', people look at you funny. Pretty much only in the company of geeks can you call someone a noxious load of pig feces and actually have them understand what you're saying and what it means.

[Crissa]

That seems a plus.

-Crissa

[Rejakor]

Sometimes it would be nice to be able to properly express what I think of a person in words - perhaps a poem.

Until then, gratuitous amounts of violence will have to do.

[Lago PARANOIA]

Excellent list!

It's true, the art of insult has been lost. Mainly because if you use anything other than 'shit', 'fuck', 'crap', or 'jesus', people look at you funny.

There's a reason why the Angry Video Game Nerd has lately been focused less on colorful swearing and more on criticism of silly/annoying elements and gaming history.

Personally, I think it's for the best. 2008 was his best year, though 2009 came really close with some GREAT reviews like Plumbers Don't Wear Ties and Godzilla (which ties for my favorite one he's ever done next to Zelda CDi). 2010 is shaping up to be a great year, too, though he's really calmed down.

[Maxus]

This original post saw action the other day.

The city I live in is facing a budget shortfall, so it was looking at giving everyone a paycut--or else, they'd 'have to fire 300 people'.

Well, the mayor has some multiple myeloma and has been receiving treatment at a place in Arkansas that specializes in it (admittedly, it's in remission). A firefighter had some choice words to say about that...

"I would like to suggest that this experiment of an absentee mayor, running the city from a Blackberry, failed," Lee said, reading from a prepared statement. "Maybe it was due to chemo-brain or maybe it was the result of a bad connection with his Blackberry. But it did not work."

I've been trying to find the rest of the guy's statement. It was worthy of the Den's good days--sharp criticism and even sharper reality.

Naturally, this caused an uproar. The firefighter's been banned from council meetings for a year, and the rest of the firefighters hastened to say he doesn't speak for all of them.

Just like the Internet.