More Threads that make us Laugh, Cry, or Both

[Captain_Bleach]

If only somebody just answered the poor guy's question by saying "no."

[Prak]

1198335173[/unixtime]]There was a thread (it no longer exists) that shows us the wonders of Epic skill checks. Specifically, Escape Artist.

DC 80: Extremely Tight Space

Extremely Tight Space: This is the DC for getting through a space when one’s head shouldn’t even be able to fit; this can be as small as 2 inches square for Medium-size creatures. Halve this limit for each size category less than Medium-size; double it for each size category greater than Medium-size. If the space is long, such as in a chimney, multiple checks may be called for.

See, I'm sure they were thinking of sliding between the bars in a cage, or moving up a chimney, except it was pointed out, on the thread which exists no longer, that one could therefore use such a skill check to fit inside someone's arse. Indeed, the entire party could fit themselves in the backside of a hireling/captive/monster that they hit with a Hold Monster spell, and then choose the right moment to leap out, surprising all foes.

Or using one of the "You grow. If you are in a container or room that you can't fit in, make a STR check to break it open." abilities. Possibly while wearing full plate.

A CharOp board thread was made to try getting +70 (so as to take 10) as early as possible, with ideal abilities to use once there, but I don't like the chances of it not being deleted.

Makes me think of the insult of having one's head up their ass... maybe that's what they were thinking when they wrote it.

[Neeek]

1201242273[/unixtime]]I have never seen a death effect work on a PC, in all my days of DnD.

I have had it happen to me several times. Death effects aren't much fun, honestly. There is no "well, if I do something clever maybe I won't die!" aspect to them.

Invisible attackers that kill you before you get an action are also less than fun.

[Koumei]

Oh wait, now I remember seeing it happen. We were a level 4 party, though a couple of us were being raped by the ECL rules.

The DM hit us with a CR 7 or so. A wizard/fatespinner, who was Invisible before we encountered him (as NPCs have the luxury of knowing when combat is going to happen, so can time their buffs perfectly). He started off by using Phantasmal Killer to make the dwarf die instantly. He then did the same to the elf.

The DM ruled that "If it doesn't utilise an attack roll, it doesn't break Invisibility", so those deaths were safe for the wizard. He was also Spiderclimbing on the ceiling. Sometimes he hit us with Magic Missiles. Eventually it was the lightning bolt that knocked everyone else out.

And the player of the dwarf was so annoying that I'm glad we all died and the game ended. It also reinforced my belief that games below level 5 are shit.

[Captain_Bleach]

Epic level use of Escape Artist

Speaking of stuffing people up asses, this use of an epic skill came up in this movie, when they shoved a boy up a donkey's ass to smuggle him out of Italy.

[Voss]

1201310973[/unixtime]]Oh wait, now I remember seeing it happen. We were a level 4 party, though a couple of us were being raped by the ECL rules.

The DM hit us with a CR 7 or so. A wizard/fatespinner, who was Invisible before we encountered him (as NPCs have the luxury of knowing when combat is going to happen, so can time their buffs perfectly). He started off by using Phantasmal Killer to make the dwarf die instantly. He then did the same to the elf.

The DM ruled that "If it doesn't utilise an attack roll, it doesn't break Invisibility", so those deaths were safe for the wizard. He was also Spiderclimbing on the ceiling. Sometimes he hit us with Magic Missiles. Eventually it was the lightning bolt that knocked everyone else out.

And the player of the dwarf was so annoying that I'm glad we all died and the game ended. It also reinforced my belief that games below level 5 are shit.

Wow. The DM was an ass. Every single thing he did except the spider climbing breaks invisibility.


Dammit, Bleach, you broke the board again!

[Captain_Bleach]

Don't worry, I fixed my post. I can't predict the whole board breaking happening, I just did a single quote.

[Koumei]

Voss: Yeah, he does dumb things as a DM. As a player, well, he does stupid-yet-funny things if the game isn't serious, tends to play really aggressively (enjoys playing a jerk who is powerful enough to get away with it) but is good for a laugh.

He likes to optimise, but I have the feeling his skills at it aren't that great. At least he understands that you don't do direct damage though.

Also: Why did I ever mention Epic Escape Artistry? Now it's going to haunt me forever on this thread.

[Username17]

Isn't Phantasmal Killer a fear effect rather than a Death effect?

Actual Death effects are pretty rare.

-Username17

[Koumei]

Oh right, yeah, it's a Fear effect. I forgot, and was thinking "Save vs actual Death == Death Effect."

I've never seen Finger of Death, Slay Living, Destruction and the like work.

[SunTzuWarmaster]

Under those DM rules, play a beguiler or wizard, seriously. You will be unstoppable. First round of every combat you cast Blinding Color Surge AKA "one person might get to be blind, also, I am invisible for this combat". Proceed to hose enemy with direct damage spells because 90% of the time they don't even have a counter for Invisibility+/-Fly. You can freaking Whelm people to death.

[Koumei]

It's not particularly relevant any more: I now live about 760km (470 miles) away, so we're probably not going to be gaming any time soon.

Though he did mention online once that it was an awesome class, having all of his favourite Save-or-Die spells (sleep, hold person etc).

[SunTzuWarmaster]

Yea, and being invisible the entire time is crazy-awesome.

[Prak]

Re: Would a human/halfling marriage work? Could they have children?

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Regarding childbirth, a midwife could likely either cast a few spells herself(as an adept, most likely, or even a cleric of Yondalla), or fetch a person who can. Even just a spell so simple as enlarge person could help, though it would likely need to be cast during the second trimester for the mother's comfort and either extended or made permanent, and removed after childbirth.

I'm not sure that something like enlarge person would work. Unless you assume that the child is effectively part of the mother, combining magic with pregnancy produces a lot of potential ways to kill the child and/or parent. Just consider the possible consequences of spells like tree stride, reduce person, or iron body if the child isn't affected.

Re: Would a human/halfling marriage work? Could they have children?

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I'm not sure that something like enlarge person would work. Unless you assume that the child is effectively part of the mother, combining magic with pregnancy produces a lot of potential ways to kill the child and/or parent. Just consider the possible consequences of spells like tree stride, reduce person, or iron body if the child isn't affected.

actually, you want to assume the child is it's own entity, because that way the mother enlarges to a comfortable size, and the child stats the same size. I can't see any reason this wouldn't work or any harm it would do to mother or child. In fact I think it'd be reletively common practice as it would make labour a good deal more comfortable.

Re: Would a human/halfling marriage work? Could they have children?

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Most books don't have spells for such things, but if it would be not that uncommon problem clerics and druids have to deal with, they would certainly research one.
This topic is raised not that often, but every time it does, it's almost always agreed that polymorphing and pregnancy should really not be combined in any way.

Re: Would a human/halfling marriage work? Could they have children?

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except that enlarge person isn't polymorphing. Hell, grab a psionicist and tell them to manifest "enlarge" on your vagoo, for all I care! It's a nice bit of equality for all the men wanting to use the same power on their "rod"...

anyway... that's how I'd deal with it as dm.

Re: Would a human/halfling marriage work? Could they have children?

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It's not the polymorph spell, but it's shapechanging regardlessly.

Also it has a duration for less then 10 minutes for most spellcasters.

Re: Would a human/halfling marriage work? Could they have children?

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There should be some way of handling it, I'd handwave the supposed "consequences" because it honestly doesn't matter.

Re: Would a human/halfling marriage work? Could they have children?

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actually, you want to assume the child is it's own entity, because that way the mother enlarges to a comfortable size, and the child stats the same size. I can't see any reason this wouldn't work or any harm it would do to mother or child. In fact I think it'd be reletively common practice as it would make labour a good deal more comfortable.

That works for enlarge person, but becomes outright deadly because it then also applies for the other spells in question.

For example, if the mother should happen to get hit by a baleful polymorph, reduce person, or similar magic that makes her smaller during the advanced stages of pregnancy, it spells (no pun intended) almost instant death for her and/or her child. And teleportation of just about any sort at any stage becomes an instant abortion. Or perhaps she uses polymorph to slip through gaps as a gray ooze, digesting her own child in the process.

If the child isn't treated as part of her, she had better not touch transmutation or conjuration (teleportation) spells with a 10-foot pole.

Re: Would a human/halfling marriage work? Could they have children?

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That works for enlarge person, but becomes outright deadly because it then also applies for the other spells in question.

For example, if the mother should happen to get hit by a baleful polymorph, reduce person, or similar magic that makes her smaller during the advanced stages of pregnancy, it spells (no pun intended) almost instant death for her and/or her child. And teleportation of just about any sort at any stage becomes an instant abortion. Or perhaps she uses polymorph to slip through gaps as a gray ooze, digesting her own child in the process.

If the child isn't treated as part of her, she had better not touch transmutation or conjuration (teleportation) spells with a 10-foot pole.

I really can't see why you'd even do this. I'd rule that unless one actually intended to effect the child, the magic wouldn't harm the child or mother(as a result of affecting the child that is.) If someone wants to Inflict Wounds on the kid, then it should be entirely possible to do so, but only by affecting the mother. This can be a good way to establish a "vile" villian. If someone wants to effect only the mother, that should also be entirely possible. I see no reason to say that magic affects both mother and child, regardless of intent.

Re: Would a human/halfling marriage work? Could they have children?

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Reason magic "infects" children is for the same reason you don't use X-rays or chemotherapy on pregnant women. It's a type of radiation. I mean, for Dragons, or other creatures that are oviparous(egg-laying), it's not a big issue(since they hold the eggs in for a much shorter duration), but with viviparous creatures like most mammals(and around 99% of D&D humanoids and monstrous humanoids{eg, centaurs} are such), the foetus shares blood and space with the mother. Granted, the child gets the benefit of full cover/concealment from area and targeted attacks, but transmutation magic generally affects the whole body(excepting Lahm's Finger Darts, Hand fang, Fist of Stone, and other such spells), which would include the foetus when affecting the mother.

The interesting thing about allowing magical "radiation" to genetically alter a child, is the potential for "meta-humans"(ala Marvel's Mutants and Mutates):

Enlarge Person/Bull's Strength/Righteous Might: Incredible Hulk
Spider Climb+Ingested Web potions(accidental?): Spider-Man
Mantle of the Icy Soul/As the Frost: Iceman
Mantle of the Fiery Soul/Fire Shield/Fire Wings: Human Torch
Iron Body: Colossus!

And so on.

Re: Would a human/halfling marriage work? Could they have children?

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We could also introduce psionics into the equation and simply Time Hop the mother when she goes into labor... A C-section without the scar, sorta.

Re: Would a human/halfling marriage work? Could they have children?

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Reason magic "infects" children is for the same reason you don't use X-rays or chemotherapy on pregnant women. It's a type of radiation. I mean, for Dragons, or other creatures that are oviparous(egg-laying), it's not a big issue(since they hold the eggs in for a much shorter duration), but with viviparous creatures like most mammals(and around 99% of D&D humanoids and monstrous humanoids{eg, centaurs} are such), the foetus shares blood and space with the mother. Granted, the child gets the benefit of full cover/concealment from area and targeted attacks, but transmutation magic generally affects the whole body(excepting Lahm's Finger Darts, Hand fang, Fist of Stone, and other such spells), which would include the foetus when affecting the mother.

The interesting thing about allowing magical "radiation" to genetically alter a child, is the potential for "meta-humans"(ala Marvel's Mutants and Mutates):

Enlarge Person/Bull's Strength/Righteous Might: Incredible Hulk
Spider Climb+Ingested Web potions(accidental?): Spider-Man
Mantle of the Icy Soul/As the Frost: Iceman
Mantle of the Fiery Soul/Fire Shield/Fire Wings: Human Torch
Iron Body: Colossus!

And so on.

So you're sighting versimilitude, except that magic isn't a radiation, it's an energy that is shaped by the will. So of course any magic cast by someone who doesn't know she's pregnant is going to affect the child, but once the caster knows that she's pregnant they should be able to choose whether to affect the child or not. I really don't see any reason to harm the child just because the mother needed to "hulk out" to smash some evil wizard that was going to harm the child within her either directly or by harming her. It's pointless unless you're making a plot point out of it.

This is from a thread about halfling/human relations, this is the part that makes zombie baby satan cry...

[Voss]

Thanks so much for that.

I can only assume that the thread starter is a pedophile who wants people to feed into the idea that he could legally fuck children. Or he's really fucking bored. Neither is a great option.

[Prak]

Actually it started as a thread about a human and halfling npc being a couple, and asking about how it would be received by each race, what would likely happen, and whether child would be possible.


oh and:
halfling =/= human child, in any way other than size.

[Leress]

IT CAN BE DONE! – I do believe I did it (P.E.A.C.H)

Oh...My...God...this is the one of the worse sets of fixes I have seen in a long time. (Nonsi even does the gender ability score adjustment [females only])

:flames::freakedout::screams::wtf:

[Prak]

is it just me or does the arrogant asshole vibe turn anyone else off of even trying to read this dross?

[Voss]

1201420300[/unixtime]]Actually it started as a thread about a human and halfling npc being a couple, and asking about how it would be received by each race, what would likely happen, and whether child would be possible.


oh and:
halfling =/= human child, in any way other than size.

Please. Have you seen the pics in the FR campaign book? The only reason they're changing the height of halflings in 4th edition is because they realized that having that mouth right at cock level was sending the wrong message.

[Prak]

actually, I try to stay as far away from FR as possible...

but really, I'm sure there are pedophiles out there that fantasize about halflings as "legal children", but I don't think that's what most people think...

[Voss]

Most people don't sit down and devote grey matter to halfling/human coupling. Go with the theory that these aren't 'most people'. Call 911 any time you see them near children. Its the only way to be safe.

Well. Either that, or start a program to teach children to bite dicks off on sight. Admittedly, ingraining a pure Pavlovian response would cause problems with human reproduction later, but eh. There are too many fucking people anyway.

[Username17]

I don't understand. There are actual midgets. They are humans who are very small. They can have sex with normal humans. It's not even a problem. Genitals grow and shrink quite a bit and the difference in length between the large end and the small end is more than twice the difference in human/halfling size.

There are no halfling/human crosses despite this fact. Therefore humans and halflings are biologically incompatible. There are ligers, but there are no leetahs. This is not because lions cannot and will not have sex with cheetahs, it's because successful crross species mating is the exception not the rule.

It's a lot more common in D&D land, but your sperm simply cannot make viable offspring in the womb of a halfling or a hobgoblin. Not because it's mechanically impossible or even difficult to get it in there, but because bochemically that will not work.

-Username17

[Prak]

Unless the dm specifically says so, preferably when it comes up, rather than as one of those "ok, in my game" things before the campaign starts, becuse... well, unless he's presenting a playable race... it's time to call in the nice young men in the clean white coats.

[PhoneLobster]

Females and ability scores: -2 to STR & CON, +2 to INT & CHA.

Yay, gender based stat penalties for girls. My elderly senile drunken half insane unwashed partially disabled nemesis, we meet again.

Everyone loves that guy, I mean what's not to love? And what tiny minority of male gamers playing female characters (and disliking being penalised for it) will care?

And what other imaginable group of gamers are there that care? Surely there is no other group that would care about female characters and if there was they wouldn't be a group with some history of being falsely evaluated as inferior and subsequently oppressed because of their gender.

Or if so it must be some minority portion of the human race so incredibly obscure (like maybe hermaphrodites, or even gay hermaphrodites) I cannot think of it. Definitely not one approaching 50% or greater...

Character Creation/Advancement:
- Characters WILL age during the game. There will be significant "down time" between adventures during which characters will train, research, build strongholds, etc.
- Characters add 1 point to one ability score at each level. Racial limits are exceeded at each level divisible by 4 and you cannot increase the same ability twice in a row. This serves as a decent compensation for a bad start and/or MAD. It also puts yet a greater impact to level progression.
- Training to gain a new class takes one year - requires a mentor. This includes prestige classes.
- Gaining a new level takes one month with a mentor, or one year without a mentor. A mentor is required until level 7. After that, self training takes one month per level. A prestige class requires no tutoring beyond attaining 1st level.
- Each major city has a special training academy for adventurers, sponsored by the authorities. This includes coverage of all base classes.

Oh and enforced massively disruptive insanely expensive level up training rules. Nice to meet you again as well, should have known you'd be hanging out at any crystal meth+medical alcohol+draino party being held by our mutual acquaintance Gender-Based-Stat-Penalties-For-Girls. I see you are still as boring and asinine as ever.

Love how this time round you take between 18-26 years (at least) of time IN TRAINING, to earn the level ups you get from about a month or so of actual XP.

Love how that time is not extended for elves, or shortened for kobolds.

Love how you get years of blow out for multiclassing or prestige classing. Love how if the whole party doesn't time their multiclassing or prestige classing right there are 11 months of additional down time for 80% of the characters, or one guy who has to skip A YEAR of game time...

Love how before 12 level that guy who changes class wastes months of everyone's time and how AFTER 12th level everyone who DOESN'T change class wastes months of his time.

Looks like a lot of you crazy bums of the game rules metaphor universe have turned up to this party.

Animal companions and special mounts are cancelled:
The idea of being able to "resonate" your essence to strengthen another being sounds ridiculous to me – even within fantasy game.
If someone wants to groom a pet or a mount:
1. It takes time – LOTS OF TIME!...

I mean wow, there goes an insane contradiction of your training rules.

But hey what kind of strain crippled 50 year old kobold wizard on the edge of death trying to finish his second year of training for level 20 has time to care for a thirty year old rat?

I* – of all the weapons the Warrior is proficient with, choose 1 weapon of focus. The Warrior gains competence bonus of +1 to hit with the chosen weapon. This level of weapon expertise can be purchased with a feat, but all the rest (detailed below) can only be gained via Warrior levels.

And THERE goes a totally unamed ability. Its body seems to say its a new form of weapon focus that is somehow an excitingly complex new form of book keeping on which to fruitlessly waste 10 levels of fighter bonus feats, but its title if anything is nothing more than "I*" BRILLIANT.

Critical Enhancements:
- Weapon Focus steps III & V increase critical threaten range by 1 each.
- Weapon Focus steps IV & VI increase critical damage multiplier by 1 each.

And there is his friend, several continents of wandering metaphorical bums away in a different section. HELLO CRAZY MAN! YES, I SAW YOUR FRIEND HE IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU USING A FALSE NAME.

Every Spellcaster has a Strain-Tolerance score that's equal to his [main casting ability score] + [caster-level].
As the Spellcaster casts more spells, the Strain accumulates. When he spends enough time resting, the strain decreases. As long as the total Strain a Spellcaster has accumulated is lower than his Strain Tolerance, the Spellcaster suffers no ill effect. Continuing to cast spells once his Strain is over his Tolerance, however, is extremely taxing on a Spellcaster’s body and mind. As soon as a Spellcaster’s total Strain exceeds his Tolerance, he becomes fatigued. If a fatigued Spellcaster wishes to cast another spell, he must first make a Fort save with a DC equal to (20 + the spell’s level + the amount of Strain he has over his Tolerance) ... *And yes, your best spells rack in at 7 strain points and get worse as you level up*

Who would have thought that a ninety year old one legged stripper who has been dead of syphilis for 3 months and left in the sun would pull in such a crowd.

Speaking of gruesome rotting corpses with no clothes on, Hi there insane strain/tolerance spell casting. Hows it going with all the cast 2-5 spells of your highest level before hitting unpassable fort saves (unless you polymorphed into a big ugly brute monster to cast more spells, which only druids and witches (probably just she-druids) are allowed to do) then spend 14-45 hours of exciting couldn't give a shit cooling down (or more if you cast a few extra spells in elephant form or something).

I see despite advertisement in regards to eliminating high level buffing antics high level spell casters can still cast numerous beneficial buff spells of durations exceeding cool down times...

I also see you are completely mother fucking insane.

Hit Points:
All creatures gain maximized HP according to their racial HD (either as given in the relevant Monster Manual or character races' paragon class HD) plus their CON-score. Any class taken grants 1/2 its maximized HD value +1 (e.g. 6 HP for d10) without regarding CON-mod.
Dropping below 0 HP:
Disabled state: Up to the creature's HD in negative HP value. Disabled creatures automatically stabilize.
Dying: Any negative value between HD + 1 and HD + CON-score.
Death: Anything beyond "dying".

It CAN be done. But can it be UNDONE?

[Koumei]

He is the cancer that is killing WotC. Seriously, an enormous malignant, festering tumour of decay. What a cockbag. I hate his writing style and ideas so much that by association I hate him, his family, his friends and his pets.