Actual Conversations That Made You Laugh/Cry/Both

[Hicks]

I said, "I have a knife."

My wife responded, "You're not seriously going to pop the battery out of your phone with a knife? I object!"

"You're objection has been noted in my log."

"Hey! You don't keep logs."

"You're right; I flush them down the toilet."

[Maxus]

Dad came out of the Doctor's Office, having had bloodwork done. We got in the car.

~Mom~ "How'd it go?"

~Dad~ "Fine. I don't really like them, though."

~Mom~ "Why's that?"

~Dad~ "Every time I see him...he wants to put his finger up my butt. Can't that be every third time or something?"

~Mom~ *starts laughing*

~Me~ *starts laughing*

~Dad~ "I just don't know why he checks it so often if I've never had any trouble like that!"

~Me~ "Dad, did anyone ever tell you, you're a very attractive man?"

~Mom~ *laughs harder*

[Libertad]

This is why I don't talk about politics offline much. Shit's depressing:

Me: "So who'd you vote for?"

Guy: "Romney?"

Me: "Why, I thought you were critical of his policies."

Guy: "I'm no fan of Romney, but I just don't have it in my heart to vote for a black man."

[RobbyPants]

(I'll have to paraphrase, since the person I was talking to on Facebook has since removed her posts from the thread.)

So, I posted this picture on FB that I found in the Image Macro thread after my wife laughed pretty hard.

Later, a friend posts on the thread, apparently pissed about the picture:

Her: Jesus gave his life. Obama takes lives. I was never confused.


Me: "Well, yes. My point wasn't that Obama and Jesus are 100% identical; it was that a lot of things that people complain about Obama doing (mainly socialism and healthcare, and to a lesser extent, the whole foreign and brown part (most conservatives don't actually complain about those)) are things that Jesus did, too.

I wasn't implying you should worship Obama."


Her: Obama doesn't share ANY traits with Jesus. Comparing the two is blasphemy.

Her (again): Obama is okay with murdering unborn children. If he isn't going to fix the problem, then he's part of it.


Me: "Actually, Obama does have _some_ of the characteristics of Jesus: the ones I mentioned. Blasphemy or not, the point still stands.

The abortion things is sort of changing the subject, but on that note, God does plenty of killing (of children!) in the Bible, too, so I'm not sure why you brought it up."

[Maj]

Me: In your paper, you use the term "Abouti mouse." I can't find reference to that anywhere. Are you sure it's "abouti?"
Mom: I will check my reference when I get home.
Me: <sometime later> I found it. It's supposed to be "agouti."
Mom: I got my goo and my booty mixed up.

[Ancient History]

Dumbass Coworkers:

#1: "She wants us to get a puppy together."

#2: "A puppy? Jesus."

#1: "I know, I know."

#2: "That's a big responsibility. I mean, you won't have any time to yourself anymore."

#1: "I know."

#2: "Next thing she'll want kids."

#1: "No, you think?"

[Juton]

I was at my FLGS one day and I overheard this conversation:

Gamer 1: Hey, Gamer 2, you should totally play World of Warcraft with us! We have a new guild and we're just about to reach the end content, it's so great!

Gamer 2: Nah, I don't want to play WoW because it's too much like 4th edition.

[Koumei]

Gamer 2: Nah, I don't want to play WoW because it's too much like 4th edition.

That line there totally made my day. I can't begin to tell you how much it delights me.

[RobbyPants]

Mom: I got my goo and my booty mixed up.

I never want to hear my mother say that.

[Cynic]

So the wife breastfeeds our 7 month old.

Wife: Oh my god, Laurel got her first tooth.
Me: I'm sorry.
Wife: Huh? what do you mean?
*two seconds later*
Wife: I hate you.